so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick

I'm ashamed that I haven't written in this thing since November. It's good therapy for me to write in here. Plus Matt uses the computer all the time but now i figured out I can use the blogger iPhone app on my iPad :))

Anyways Christmas past very quickly. I got diamond earrings, an iPhone 4s, all kinds of kitchen stuff and bedding. It was a good Christmas. And Matt loves his lazyboy! I love it too :)) haa. New years was good, we stayed at my dads house.

So the new year was supposed to bring new things for me. Especially a new job , and I told myself that if I wasn't moved by Jan then I would go to chuck and talk to him. So one of our service advisors moved to the shop so I figured it was the perfect opportunity. I was told that me moving up was in the works and they were also working on moving Bonnie back to reception. THANK GOD. Finally. I just hope it happens fast.

Oh and we got a new pup! I saved him from the harnett county animal shelter! He is so cute..

i died my hair darker and put some red in it! i used like a black on the bottom and a dark reddish brown on top. i did a pretty good job considering i did it all by myself. im getting new glasses next week. THANK GOD because the glasses i have now are so old and broken. i love this glasses but they are just sad.

im STILL waiting to get married. atleast get engaged. it seems like everyone around me is moving on in the world. we've been together/living together for over a year. lets get on with it..

i wish i could say that everything is better, but we all know that will never happen. nothing could make EVERYTHING better.  i still cant get a grip on my anxiety and depression, which makes me feel like i never will. and it seems like im running in circles with everything.. work, relationship.. never going anywhere.

so today when i get home im like extremely relieved to find that no one is home. i was alone! for about 3 minutes.. in comes BJ so i just ignore him and keep feeding the dogs. then he says something about is probation officer just brought him home and so i just ignored it.. well i find out later from matt that his probation officer has to come into MY house to check HIS room.. WHATTTTT.

this makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable and PISSED. i am sooooo angryyy.

i hate that i never have time to write in this thing anymore, because i think it had a lot to do with my anxiety. when i had somewhere to put my feelings rather than just holding them inside. i am so angry all the time, it really cant be healthy. most of my anger comes from the fact that BJ has completely moved in to my house and like taken over. i cant stress enough how bad it is for matt and i's relationship. i am trying to keep my cool, but it is VERY hard. and i find myself just getting more and more angry everyday. so angry that i dont even want to go home. you keep saying that its OUR house, well act like it.
the past weekend sucked. i did inventory at work friday night until like 10PM then saturday worked 7AM to 4PM. left work and went to my dads house. he cooked us filet mignonnn. ate dinner then i fell asleep on the couch for like 2 hours. then we went home and pretty much went to sleep. april gave me some more clothes so i went through those. i didnt want to go to bed so early because we actually got to have some time alone since bj wasnt there. sunday i was so happy to wake up and it just be matt and i at home. i had so much to do but i just wanted to lay on the couch and watch what i wanted to on the big tv. whatever, i enjoyed just relaxing in the living room.

so a few weekends ago i commited myself to going to gay pride in durham and then going to stephanies party that night. so saturady morning crystal met me and my house and i drove to durham. only to end up standing in the pouring rain. we missed the parade completely and ended up just driving back to stephs house. ate some lunch and just hung out. that night quite a few people ended up coming to the party. it was a lot of fun until john busted up in the door demanding to know where is wife was. BUZZ KILL. they ended up fighting for like 30 min. steph asked her to leave and she didnt.. and then she ruined one of dianes dresses. needless to say its was a really fun night until all that happened. the next morning i drove me and crystal back to my house so she could get her car and then i drove over to larrys moms house to have breakfast. HUNGOVER AS HELL. wahhhh.

work has been so frustrating lately. when we moved into the new building i was promised a position writing express service. that was a position he said i deserved.. almost three months later and i am still sitting behind the receptionist desk. doing the SAME thing. i understand that i should have patience but he promised me a job. i need MORE MONEY. im tired of being broke all the time. i applied for some part time jobs. chuck said he can give me more hours.. which is great. but give me a raise.. im struggling here OBVIOUSLY. and no one understandS why im so upset. i cant ever get ahead and it sucks. not to mention i learned to dispatch.. so now lets see.. i can cashier, write service, answer phones, and dispatch. WHOSE JOB CANT I DO. the only thing i cant do is work on the actual car, and im pretty sure they could train me to do that considering they will train anyone. so why am i like the lowest paid person here.. when i can do ANYONEs job. that makes no sense to me. i feel like i am being used, but i dont know what else to do.

matt and I obviously have different goals. I want to get married. Why is this not a common goal. Someone help me understand.


Anyways. My birthday was awesome. I got my tattoo Friday night. Then Saturday Matt got a new truck. Afterwards we went to eat dinner at south point and we went shopping after dinner. Sunday we had my party at marts moms house. So many people came, it was so much fun. Except I drank too much wine and was asleep by like 8:30. Hahaha.

Last night I got my hair cut to my shoulders. Woww. But whatever it will grow backkk. And tonight kenia and I are cooking spaghetti and watching jersey shore.

do you know what it feels like to hate EVERYTHING.
to hate everything around you. every person, every attitude, your job, your house, your situation. does anyone on earth know what that feels like. you dont want to. its something you cant control. you just have this negative attitude towards everything and everyone. everything thing makes you mad or upset. and you just feel like giving up. because giving up would be so much easier. but then you realize that you cant give up because that would effect everyone around you and that would be unfair. but your torn.. because who cares? its like your at a crossroads.. except for the fact that both ways is a train wreck. no one will ever understand. its like i am fighting myself all day everyday and tears could pour out at anytime.

its a constant battle, and im tired of fighting it.
it feels like im drowning, and no one can find a life jacket.

i think the worst part is that the people that are most important to me dont understand. all i hear is change your attitude, or dont let it bother you. or im tired of hearing you cry and whine. seriously? you have a lot of nerve.

I've neglected this thing.

summing up like the past month. I still have my foster dog Annie. We got an ipad. I started doing all the Internet stuff for d-sass. I learned to dispatch at work, so I'm starting to work a few saturdays. Bj turned himself into rehab and somehow eneded up living with us.. which I am not very hppy about. and im still working the job I hate sitting beside a person that i hate. I got a root canal done last week and my jaw is still sore. Ahhhh :(

Since I've been so busy with everything I wish I could just find a home for Annie because I don't have time for this foster shit anymore. I have too much on my plate.. And trying to go or get her to an event every Saturday sucks. I just have too much going on.

When bj turned himself in Matt said he was just coming to stay on the couch for 3 days.. Somehow that turned into moving into the spare bedroom. I HATE it. Once again Matt and I don't have any alone time. I can't find anything in my kitchen. And I can never be alone. It's miserable. I thought Matt and I were finally settling down.. And then here comes bj. How many chances are you going to give someone seriously? I'm so sick of not having any say in anything. Call me selfish.. Whatever.

I'm miserable.

wilddd weekend.

friday i got off work and went straight home. my foster dog was delivered! she is precious. her name is Annie. They brought lots of food, some toys, a crate and bowls and stuff for her. Her and Roxy are having some trouble getting along sometimes. but for the most parts it good. then matt got home and the time warner people came. they didnt fix anything though.. soon after i was in bed. saturday morning i had to work at 7am! since we are moving to the new building next weekend.. crystal and i had lots of files to move! we didnt stop until 4:40PM. we were sooo tiredd. so i went home and just laid on he couch. went over to crystals for a while but i was just too sore and too tired to stay.

matt and larry got up at like 3 in the morning to go get some stupid boat from south carolina. i didnt wake up until like 10:30AM and crystal was ringing my doorbell over and over. so we went out to get some food. we drove around foreverrr then finally decided on Yong Feu Lous. then we went to the dollar tree, and went to some witch like store.. i forget what its called. so then we drove around forever trying to find a good will. and once we did i had to poop soooo bad. so i blew up the bathroom in wendys! HOLLA. hahaha. so after that i went home and just watched tv. then at 11:30PM i was letting the dogs inside and Annie (my foster dog) came inside very slowly and her mouth was extremely swollen. so i woke matt up and he said she probably just licked a frog... but either way to took her to the emergency pet doctor but i couldnt get up with anyone from the foster place. they took her in and said he was bitten by a snakee. yikes.. i finally got up with someone from the humane society and they paid for the treatment and stuff. i had to leave Annie over night.. but i didnt get home until like 3:30AM. so now i am extremely tired.

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy. In such situations, you may find that you are less inhibited sexually. Perhaps you need to bring the same sense of adventure into your existing relationship.

that dream was weird. i never had sex with anyone, but it was still weird. ohh and that explanation up there pretty much just says "you're horny" hahahhaa.

i had a weirddd dream last night. i was out at some like campsite and there were picnic tables and i was on the phone with matt except i had a bluetooth on.. and he was like i really need to tell you something.. and i remember feeling really nervous and then he started talking and it got really loud around me and the phone was breaking in and out and i was so mad because i couldnt hear anything he was saying. and then we got disconnected and i took the bluetooth off and like threw it.

To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone your know,  signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself. If  you are put on hold, then the dream is a metaphor for being taken for granted or being unable to freely express yourself.

either wayy, last night when i got off work i drove to crabtree. i got a bathing suit from belk and then met alicia and cam in hallmark. then me, alicia, cam, mikey, matt, and caroline all ate at the cheesecake factory! and it took like foreverrr. but it was sooo good. then we came home and i read some of midnight sun and then went to bed.

all these post secrets explain better than my words can.