here comes the bride

i am engaged to be married as of March 4th, 2012.  what an amazing feeling that i waited (what feels like forever) to experience. it seems like time is flying by and November 10th will be here before i know it.

so many emotions are starting to play into this whole wedding planning thing. from day one ive been saying that my mother and sister will attend as guest, but now that i am actually having to go through with it, its tough. all this started when i found out that i was expected to be at my sister graduation. and not only would i be attending with my mother and her poentionaly gay boyfriend and his son. but also my grandmother from texas who hasnt spoken to me in a very long time. to make matters worse my father and step mother will be there. making this little get together extremely awkward, nerve-racking, and really just plain scary.

but here comes the part i dont quite understand - some idiotic part of me actually wants to go and see my grandmother. how can i feel so much anger towards certain people, yet i still have a desire to see them. and some how miss them. that makes no sense. i would love to see my sister graduate, but why? she doesnt even speak to me unless she needs something. and in case no one notice i have nothing left to give. and why should i go sit beside my grandmother to watch my sister graduate when my grandmother didnt even acknowledge when i graduated. will she even acknowledge that i am getting married. i havent even gotten a phone call, a card, a lettter. NOTHING congradulating me, or telling me how proud she is of me. i guess the truth is that i turned out just like my father, and he was never good enough for my mother OR for my grandmother. so i should expect nothing more than this.

im overwhelmed with this entire thing. i just want to stay in my cozzy little home eating easy mac until saturday has come and gone. too bad I have to live in reality. unlike my mother and sister. bad thing for them is that my reality is better than what they THINK their reality is.

switching off these emotions the best i can by drowning myself in a The Vampire Diaries marathon.

fuck you.

Why does it seem like people NEVER change for the better?

I'd like to say that my mother and sister moving to Alabama doesn't bother me but I think it is affecting me a little bit. How long has she known this guy and how did she meet him? She can't know him enough to quit her jobs, pick up and move states away. I think she is making decisions on impulse. But who am I to judge? But what really pisses me off is she's done it again.. I work so hard and get so little but she gets to quit her jobs and go on a cruise to Mexico. I might even goes as far as to say he doesn't deserve to be happy. But I guess that's pretty harsh.

Looking at pictures of my cousin Avery that I've never met and of my grandma who I haven't seen in years really gets to me. And im sure I'd be really upset if I found out exactly what they thought of me. But if they only knew I'm a hard working responsible young women I'm not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. But man up and act like an adult. Realize that you're actually the problem and me staying away was actually the solution. I wish I didn't Ben waste my time thinking of the situation.


I've been writing service since Wednesday but I guess Monday I'll be back to receptionist. I'm trying to keep my faith but it's hard.

Saturday was crazy at work and as soon as I got home we went to Matt's moms house and I soon as I got home went to bed. Matt woke me up at 10:30 to get breakfast then I came home and took and nap. Then went to dads to watch the Super Bowl.

I. Am. So. Tired.
Work tomorrow is going to suck.

I'm tired of people asking me when Matt and I are getting married. HELLO! I have no control over it because if I did I would have done it yesterday. It's getting on my nerves because I'm tired of waiting just like everyone else.

I think I'm getting sick because my throat hurts and I don't feel good.

Okay, bye.

tell me something good, tell me that you love me.

whenever i set foot into work it feels like the world is spinning. everything is crumbling under chucks feet. our BEST alignment tech is moving to new mexico and friday was his last day. so ryan (one of our service advisors) decided he wanted to move into the shop. of course i think working back there would be better for him and he would be happier and management thought the same thing so hes moved into the shop. so thats one service advisor down. now stephanie (one of our service advisors) is transfering to the nissan store in cary. so thats a second service advisor down. kenia is moving to winston - salem so she put in her two weeks. so theres one receptionist down. theres another tech leaving this friday. not to mention all rumors about other people quiting. WTF. i understand people get mad, or people have to move on for various reasons but its just weird. not to mention i thought this would be good for me because with people dropping like flies a spot should open up for me to move up like i was promised 6 months ago (need i remind you) but Bonnie was supposed to move back to reception and i was supposed to take her place but apparently that cant happen until a new receptionist is hired. i guess he wants me to train her? I guess thats a compliment but im just trying to move on before i get set back again. as anyone should understand.

friday night a bunch of us got together at the ale house to have a little get together for Tavon and Jimmy since they are bothing moving. it was a lot of fun. matt and i picked my melanie so she could drink. i ended up playing a game of pool with brent and beating him! :) but before me he was playing with chinstrap and chinstrap used the yellow 1 ball as the cue ball. what an idoit. it was said saying bye to Jimmy :( but he will be back im sure.

saturday i had to work but did NOT want to get out of bed. so i was like 10 minutes late for work. anyways it was like pouring rain so i figured everyone would stay home and we would have a pretty slow day. boy was i wrong. not only were we busy but John came up to work to confront the sales guy that crystal apparently stayed the night with the night of the christmas party. thank god all he did was talk to him but it was still nerve racking. an crystal was like two hours late. and even though larry asked john to leave he still waited for crystal to get to work so he could confront her. NOT OKAY. also chuck made an appt and misquoted tires. and i only had 9 techs and one of them was stuck on a 15 hour ticket. i didnt get lunch until 1:30 and i had to pick something up for like 5 techs since they had to work through lunch. and i didnt leave until 4. then saturday night we went over to shanes house to cookout. we had duck, steak, and baked potatos. sunday i slept ALL day. literally. and then went to bed at 12 and slept all night. i must have needed to catch up or something.

so back to this thing with crystal and her husband. i feel bad because i dont know exactly how to help her. she obviously needs to start with her drinking problem. i guess the first step is admitting that she has a problem which she has done and i think tonight she is going to an AA meeting. which is awesome. im so proud of her for that. her and john are also talking about going to counseling which would awesome for both of them. i feel like i have so much advise for them but i dont want her to feel like i am putting her down. she just needs to put down drinking for good. marriage is for better or for worse and while they are probably at the lowest point of their lifes and marriage they took those vows and they really need to work toward keeping them. marriage is a very important thing that ( in my opinion ) should be fought for. theres a reason why you married that person, so shuffle through all the shit and uncover that orginal reason. i KNOW they both love each other, theres just a lot of things making them both angry. of course it wont be easy but i know with hard work they can make it through. maybe hitting rock bottom will help crystal. i wish i could have been a better friend but 1. i know what its like for someone to bother me when I just want to be left alone 2. i didnt and still dont know the best way to go about talking to her. i dont want to offend her, or make her feel like shes being judged. everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.

I want to save the world, but first I need to save myself.

so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick

I'm ashamed that I haven't written in this thing since November. It's good therapy for me to write in here. Plus Matt uses the computer all the time but now i figured out I can use the blogger iPhone app on my iPad :))

Anyways Christmas past very quickly. I got diamond earrings, an iPhone 4s, all kinds of kitchen stuff and bedding. It was a good Christmas. And Matt loves his lazyboy! I love it too :)) haa. New years was good, we stayed at my dads house.

So the new year was supposed to bring new things for me. Especially a new job , and I told myself that if I wasn't moved by Jan then I would go to chuck and talk to him. So one of our service advisors moved to the shop so I figured it was the perfect opportunity. I was told that me moving up was in the works and they were also working on moving Bonnie back to reception. THANK GOD. Finally. I just hope it happens fast.

Oh and we got a new pup! I saved him from the harnett county animal shelter! He is so cute..

i died my hair darker and put some red in it! i used like a black on the bottom and a dark reddish brown on top. i did a pretty good job considering i did it all by myself. im getting new glasses next week. THANK GOD because the glasses i have now are so old and broken. i love this glasses but they are just sad.

im STILL waiting to get married. atleast get engaged. it seems like everyone around me is moving on in the world. we've been together/living together for over a year. lets get on with it..

i wish i could say that everything is better, but we all know that will never happen. nothing could make EVERYTHING better.  i still cant get a grip on my anxiety and depression, which makes me feel like i never will. and it seems like im running in circles with everything.. work, relationship.. never going anywhere.

so today when i get home im like extremely relieved to find that no one is home. i was alone! for about 3 minutes.. in comes BJ so i just ignore him and keep feeding the dogs. then he says something about is probation officer just brought him home and so i just ignored it.. well i find out later from matt that his probation officer has to come into MY house to check HIS room.. WHATTTTT.

this makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable and PISSED. i am sooooo angryyy.

i hate that i never have time to write in this thing anymore, because i think it had a lot to do with my anxiety. when i had somewhere to put my feelings rather than just holding them inside. i am so angry all the time, it really cant be healthy. most of my anger comes from the fact that BJ has completely moved in to my house and like taken over. i cant stress enough how bad it is for matt and i's relationship. i am trying to keep my cool, but it is VERY hard. and i find myself just getting more and more angry everyday. so angry that i dont even want to go home. you keep saying that its OUR house, well act like it.
the past weekend sucked. i did inventory at work friday night until like 10PM then saturday worked 7AM to 4PM. left work and went to my dads house. he cooked us filet mignonnn. ate dinner then i fell asleep on the couch for like 2 hours. then we went home and pretty much went to sleep. april gave me some more clothes so i went through those. i didnt want to go to bed so early because we actually got to have some time alone since bj wasnt there. sunday i was so happy to wake up and it just be matt and i at home. i had so much to do but i just wanted to lay on the couch and watch what i wanted to on the big tv. whatever, i enjoyed just relaxing in the living room.

so a few weekends ago i commited myself to going to gay pride in durham and then going to stephanies party that night. so saturady morning crystal met me and my house and i drove to durham. only to end up standing in the pouring rain. we missed the parade completely and ended up just driving back to stephs house. ate some lunch and just hung out. that night quite a few people ended up coming to the party. it was a lot of fun until john busted up in the door demanding to know where is wife was. BUZZ KILL. they ended up fighting for like 30 min. steph asked her to leave and she didnt.. and then she ruined one of dianes dresses. needless to say its was a really fun night until all that happened. the next morning i drove me and crystal back to my house so she could get her car and then i drove over to larrys moms house to have breakfast. HUNGOVER AS HELL. wahhhh.

work has been so frustrating lately. when we moved into the new building i was promised a position writing express service. that was a position he said i deserved.. almost three months later and i am still sitting behind the receptionist desk. doing the SAME thing. i understand that i should have patience but he promised me a job. i need MORE MONEY. im tired of being broke all the time. i applied for some part time jobs. chuck said he can give me more hours.. which is great. but give me a raise.. im struggling here OBVIOUSLY. and no one understandS why im so upset. i cant ever get ahead and it sucks. not to mention i learned to dispatch.. so now lets see.. i can cashier, write service, answer phones, and dispatch. WHOSE JOB CANT I DO. the only thing i cant do is work on the actual car, and im pretty sure they could train me to do that considering they will train anyone. so why am i like the lowest paid person here.. when i can do ANYONEs job. that makes no sense to me. i feel like i am being used, but i dont know what else to do.