IM ALREADYY TORN.

i'm not going to lie. i dont understand why im frustrated. actually i kind of do. it goes back to that whole, "i care if ANYONE is mad at me, no matter what their relationship with me is." im in between a rock and a hard place. matt makes me feel like he takes my side, but if me and larry sat down and talked about it.. there is no way matt would stand up for me against larry. which is pretty shitty considering he keeps telling me im right. also, this is not work drama. please leave it at home. this job is important to me. im an adult, and i like for people to see me as an adult. and thats exactly why when people come to me about the shit larry is saying, i respond with theres nothing to talk about, or its no ones business. what did i do that was so bad? try to keep a clean house, or get tired of cleaning up after larry? if its me that needs to move, so be it. im gone. but i pay money just like larry does. i deserve just as much as he does. im here to stay as long as matt wants me to stay.
 sidenote, that tuna sandwich and banana i had for lunch are NOT cutting it. hollaaa.

IVE NEVER HEARD SILENCE QUITE THIS LOUD

i just remembered one of the dreams i had like two weeks ago. chris goldston was in it and we were both technicans in the shop. and a really hot women was like our shop forman. and she kept saying that if chris' cheeks got any redder then he would need to go home because he was sick. and i was like thinking to myself that his cheeks are always red. idk, weird.

im having such a good day, even though it started off badly. i told matt a million times to put the dog in the krate when he goes to bed. guess what i woke up to this morning, PEE IN THE BED. i was irate. i mean seriously? i refuse to change the sheets.

i feel like it should be friday. today im making a list of all the new things we need to buy for the house. i figure if we start buying now we can build it all up by the time that we have time to work on it. aka, when larry moves out. which is like april, and i cant wait. but that makes sense right? when we have some extra money here and there, we can use it towards things for the house. HOLLA.

OH and i wanna see taylor swift in concert. <33333333

to hell with you and all your friendddds.

fuckkkkk. i wish i could remember my dreams. i hate when i wake up and tell my self to rememeber and later i cant. oh well. how about the other night i stopped at the walmart gas station to get cigarettes. and while im standing in line this awkward guys comes up and he is like  " they get pretty busy here dont they" and im like yahhh. so then hes like. how was your day? ummm fine. and he was hitting on me. and then he touched me AHHHHH i hate that shitt, you dont know me. so weird. he looked like he was on meth or something. gross.

me and matt got in a fight last night. sucks, but i was just trying to tell him how i feel. whatever, some people talk about their feelings AND SOME PEOPLE CRY. its called having emotions, or feelings. so appartantly its a promblem that i cry. whatever. so i took a drive. i had when i get headaches before i go to sleep, because they carry over to the next day. suckageee.

so much for eating healthy, matt just brought me breakfast.

my dreams have been extremely weird latelyyyy. a couple nights ago i had a dream about jarrod. it was reallhy weird. all i really remember is we were like swimming together, and he was holding me. i was like please dont do this again. everytime i call you never call back and we never hangout out. and he was like, i wont i promise. i love you. and then he kissed me. and then we were going to make cookiess and do a puzzle together? really weirddd. and i had another dream i wanted to add but i forget within like a minuteee. ahhh bummer. i still want to get married. im not letting up.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her. 

I WILL NEVERRRR SAY NEVER.

i want to see the justin bieber movie now. yahhh.
after my tax return came last thursday, i have 100.00 dollars left. yikes. but i did pay like 500.00 dollars in bills.. actually like 800.00 counting my car payment. so good for me. plus i dont have any bills again for two weeks.

saturday im having lunch with my mom a sister. who would have thought. at least im getting ragazzis out of it. matts helping me so much to deal with everything concerning my mom and sister. ive been breaking down a lot, which i think drives him crazy because he doesnt want to see me upset about something i cant control. he takes such good care of me. oh and i made an appointment for the obgyn on thursday at 9:40. yikes. i hope nothing is wrong but i kind of wish matt was going with me. ohh well. im a biggg girl now. haa.

i need to lose weight, and i need new pants. ahhhhhhhhhhh.
i had something i wanted to write about, but i forgot.

maybe the decesion to stop taking my anti-depressants wasnt a good idea. i cried last night, the first time in a while. it felt good to cry, but i just dont know why i was so upset. why is tough to not speak to my mom, when i never wanted to speak to her in the first place. when all she does is bring me down. why does it matter so much? if i let her in, she isnt going to make me feel any better. if anything i will just feel worse. and where does matt get off saying that i only want to get married because i want to prove my mom wrong? what does that even mean. why would i have ANYTHING to prove to her.  ive tried all my life to prove things to her, like im actually a good kid. or that i do work hard. and that i will NEVER be like her. even if i were to get married, and have a kid that wouldnt prove ANYTHING. because she would doubt everything i did.she would say i was too young or that i didnt know what i was doing. and i would never look to her for guidance ever. maybe im wrong, in fact i usually am. but i know what i want, and thats the bottom line.

and why would i think anything different. i didnt once mention moving in with matt in the beginning. he is the one who rushed that along, not me. so how would i not think that. he gave me the impression that we were moving fast, and that was perfectly fine with me.

i love matt.
end of story. i HATE when peoplke underestimate me. thats all theyve done all my life. it seems to be a pattern, that i thought would eventually fade. how much do i have to prove to a person?

and i dont even want to think about this period problem. i took a pregnacy test, and it was negative. the last thing i want right now is to find out that i cant have children. so im not going to the doctor. i'd rather not face my fears, thanks though.

BABYYY PLEASEE DONT GO

i had a dream last night about my sister. it was all too familar. I was meeting her and some other people to go to the movies, and when i got there i was like dressed all businessyyy and had some kind of briefcase thing. and when i couldnt find her i called her and she was like off doing something stupid. so she ruined my night because i was like off searching for her. and i could barely hear her on the phone because some black girl was like singing really loudly in the bathroom. so i asked her to please be quiet. then i remember like going through a bunch of purses and shampoo and stuff to take what was my stuff. idk, IT WEIRD. and i like overslept big time this morning.

last night sucked. i was bored as shit. but i waited of for matt to get home so i could see him. and he just came in the door and went straight to the bedroom? i asked how the game was and all he said was goog until the second half. which is fine, i understand that your upset about the game. and not even a kiss? i feel like things might be falling apart with me and matt. im not sure he still wants to be with me? i love him, sooo much. but today when i talked to him on the phone, he didnt even say i love you before he hung up.. that hurts my feelingss, seriously.

I GOT MY TAX RETURNNNNN TODAYYY. hell yeahhh
i wanna see NEVER SAY NEVER now. i might just take my self. hmph.

i love matt. no doubt about it. duhhhhh. but living in that house is starting to take its toll. theres never peace and quiet, theres never alone time, the tvs always loud, the house is always a mess. the list goes on and on. sure, it could be me. well, actually it probably is all me. but whatever. plus, i want to get married. now, lets do it. AHHHHHHHH, im so tired of waiting. idk why. lemme ask a question. when we were talking about getting an ipad matt said at the end of the month we could go and put one on a best buy credit card. okay, thats $800, we cant get a ring for that? we cant put it on the jareds card? whats the difference? these are just things i think of. JUST SAYINNN.

and if this motherrrrr fuckinnnn guy doesnt STOP pacing back and forth on his fuckinnn phoneee. its absoultly obnoxious. my fuses have been very short lately. well, all the time. whatevaaaaaa.

i guess its about time to write in this. yeah its been a while, but ive been busy. i got my little puppy ROXY, i wuvvvv her. and the new jobs been great, besides them taking me for lunches. which is absolutly ridiculous. HIRE SOMEONE. anywayss. my relationships been kinda funny? im honestly not even sure whats going on with that. im mad, im sad, im happy, whateverrrrr. and it seems like matt keeps saying things to me that hurts my feelings, then i just dont even want to talk to him because im afraid i'll say soemthing wrong. its really makes me upset when he points at all my flaws. like i ALWAYS have an attitude, or just things that i do wrong according to him. how i dont take care of my dog and stuff? I really do my best for him. Im tired of waiting to get married to, so tired of waiting that it pisses me off just to think about it. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

i feel cheated, and its such a familiar feeling. one that ive felt the majority of my life. but recently it was as if everything was falling into place. i work hard, and i work REALLY hard for things i want. but i still always feel like i dont get what i worked for. its still not paying off. not at work, not in life with my mother. i deserve way more than anyone gives me credit for.

for a wholeee year i worked for kathi & nicole. doing EVERYTHING they asked me to do. they took advantage of me on so many occasions. but i did it for my job because i like to work. and most of all i needed the money. i worked until 9 for almost a straight month. when no one else would take that shift. i worked two or three saturdays a month. i pulled tons of weight, and tons of extra weight. so when i saw a chance to move into service you would expect an easy move because i was a good employee and i deserved to move up in the company or atleast move on into something different. but that would have been too easy. it was almost a month long battle just to get kathi to let go, and chuck to take me in. and once he did, kathi still has access to me. i know you cant always get what you want, but atleast give me what i deserve.

and i want a dog. a puppy. pleaseeeeee.