i cried myself to sleep last night.

why does it feel like everyone else always gets what they want. all i was is to get married and have a kid. but why is that? is it because it will make me feel like im actually worth something? because if i have a child it will finally be like i mean something to someone. someone on this planet will actually need me. i think i thrive off of the feeling of bring needed. and im pretty sure thats not a good trait to have. actually none of my traits are good.


ahhhh.

saturday night i came very close to getting a tattoo.. then i chickened out, and the i regreted it. i still wish i would have went through with it.



i swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

what the hell is my problem?

my dreams are getting the best of me. im tired of dreaming about jarrod. its exhausting. its hard for me to sleep at night, and even harder for me to wake up in the morning. so this morning on my way to work i called Ava. just to talk to her about it. she is deffently on the same page but theres nothing either of us can do about it. its sad. plus i miss ava. i should call her more often.

my dream last night was extra ridiculous.
first of all derek was there. and we went to some convience store that appartently had been robbed but we just took stuff and left. and then these other people were in there and they got arrested for breaking in.. but me and derek got away. and then did the dirty in the car? WTH. then i dont know where i was but jarrod called! and i was like really excited and he said he was sorry. blah blah. so then we hungout. and then i was at work and me and kenia saw like this scary guys in mask come in to the parts counter. and i stood there with my purse thinking.. i dont want to just leave on the clock i guess i will wait until they actualluy start to rob us or something. then i ran away and ended up like in a back room with jenna lee who i went to high school with and then steve from work.. and a guy with a gun came in and was like steve, what do you want out of life. and steve said i know what i want. so i tried to like scoot out the door but as soon as i was out of there door i heard him say shes gonna die and i dropped my wallet. so i reached back for it and there was a gun in my face. and thats when i woke up. INTENSE dreammmm. yikes.

i'm not the answer to the questions that you still have.

where do i start? Larry moved out, and its like heaven. i love it. its nice to be alone with matt all the time. i guess im an attention hog, actually i know i am. i like to have all of matts attention, but hey whats wrong with that? i had a dream about matt and nikki last night? and we were all going somewhere and she was trying to get in the front seat while matt was driving. and i was like ummm, i need to sit in the front because if not i get really car sick. and she was like no, i wanted to sit in the front with matt. so i got mad, and just told her no i was siting there. hahaha. i have the weirdest dreams. there was another part about us all hanging out, but i cant rememeber it now.

last night we watched crash, also again it was very nice to watch it alone with no interuptions. :) i think i might go by redbox and rent a movie just because i enjoyed it so much! haha. anyways, like everyone in the movie was really racist. i guess the point of the movie was to teach that everyone is the same. whatever.

i think im going to stop taking my birth control. it fucks me up big time. im on my period again for like the 3 time this month. seriously. im still taking it now, but im going to talk to matt about it. and it was deff. supposed to be 87 today.. im wearing capris and its seriously chilly out there. ahhhhh. im ready for summer, the lake, the beach, the sun, and WARM WEATHER.

let see. not this past weekend but the weekend before that. (april 2nd) i left work early on friday because alicia, sarah, and caroline were supposed to be meeting me at my work at 4. turns out it was just caroline, and alicia. either way we stopped at best buy then headed toward salisbury to watch mikey in Hairspray! he did sooo good. i enjoyed it a lot. afterwards we went to some cast member party at some guys house. played some serious ping pong and met this guy that mikey has apparently been flirting with. so cute! haha, but we left early and just drove around for a while. it was so nice having everyone backkk together. saturday we had lunch at some cafe fro lunch, yum. then walked around the town. me, alicia, and caroline drove back. got alicias car then went to carolines apartment to take showers and get ready for dinner with some peopleeeee. we ate dinner at noodles and company but caroline kept getting up and going to the bathroom.. so i checked on her and she was like peeing blood. so we ended up going to the emergency room.. while we were there waiting on caroline ray scott like aprang his ankle while he was playing basketball. so he was there to. we left, ate mcdonalds, then just hungout for a while. sunday we all went to ihop, the to the readers corner. and like i said, i forgot how much i like to read. that weekend was so relaxing and SO much fun. i deff. pissed sarah off because i confronted her about why she wasnt with us that weekend. its just the truth, and no one else will tell her.. ohhh well? she'll figure it out one day. ive NEVER made my best friends second. theyve been there for me from the beginning when no one else was. and soon she is going to lose everything she had for some really shitty friends. that wont back her up like we all used to. once she realizes that, she going to have already done way to much damage to us. its sad.

IM ALREADYY TORN.

i'm not going to lie. i dont understand why im frustrated. actually i kind of do. it goes back to that whole, "i care if ANYONE is mad at me, no matter what their relationship with me is." im in between a rock and a hard place. matt makes me feel like he takes my side, but if me and larry sat down and talked about it.. there is no way matt would stand up for me against larry. which is pretty shitty considering he keeps telling me im right. also, this is not work drama. please leave it at home. this job is important to me. im an adult, and i like for people to see me as an adult. and thats exactly why when people come to me about the shit larry is saying, i respond with theres nothing to talk about, or its no ones business. what did i do that was so bad? try to keep a clean house, or get tired of cleaning up after larry? if its me that needs to move, so be it. im gone. but i pay money just like larry does. i deserve just as much as he does. im here to stay as long as matt wants me to stay.
 sidenote, that tuna sandwich and banana i had for lunch are NOT cutting it. hollaaa.

IVE NEVER HEARD SILENCE QUITE THIS LOUD

i just remembered one of the dreams i had like two weeks ago. chris goldston was in it and we were both technicans in the shop. and a really hot women was like our shop forman. and she kept saying that if chris' cheeks got any redder then he would need to go home because he was sick. and i was like thinking to myself that his cheeks are always red. idk, weird.

im having such a good day, even though it started off badly. i told matt a million times to put the dog in the krate when he goes to bed. guess what i woke up to this morning, PEE IN THE BED. i was irate. i mean seriously? i refuse to change the sheets.

i feel like it should be friday. today im making a list of all the new things we need to buy for the house. i figure if we start buying now we can build it all up by the time that we have time to work on it. aka, when larry moves out. which is like april, and i cant wait. but that makes sense right? when we have some extra money here and there, we can use it towards things for the house. HOLLA.

OH and i wanna see taylor swift in concert. <33333333

to hell with you and all your friendddds.

fuckkkkk. i wish i could remember my dreams. i hate when i wake up and tell my self to rememeber and later i cant. oh well. how about the other night i stopped at the walmart gas station to get cigarettes. and while im standing in line this awkward guys comes up and he is like  " they get pretty busy here dont they" and im like yahhh. so then hes like. how was your day? ummm fine. and he was hitting on me. and then he touched me AHHHHH i hate that shitt, you dont know me. so weird. he looked like he was on meth or something. gross.

me and matt got in a fight last night. sucks, but i was just trying to tell him how i feel. whatever, some people talk about their feelings AND SOME PEOPLE CRY. its called having emotions, or feelings. so appartantly its a promblem that i cry. whatever. so i took a drive. i had when i get headaches before i go to sleep, because they carry over to the next day. suckageee.

so much for eating healthy, matt just brought me breakfast.

my dreams have been extremely weird latelyyyy. a couple nights ago i had a dream about jarrod. it was reallhy weird. all i really remember is we were like swimming together, and he was holding me. i was like please dont do this again. everytime i call you never call back and we never hangout out. and he was like, i wont i promise. i love you. and then he kissed me. and then we were going to make cookiess and do a puzzle together? really weirddd. and i had another dream i wanted to add but i forget within like a minuteee. ahhh bummer. i still want to get married. im not letting up.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her.