i can always tell when im upset about something. because dumb bullshit like the movie rent makes me cry. i guess i hurt briens feelings but I didn't mean to, I was just being honest like he asked me to.. that's just how I feel. I'm just glad tomorrows friday. this whole weeks been rough on me. I've been exhausted, went to bed early and still wake up late for work. and I'm not really sure if I'm doing what I want to do. I don't even understand myself, and I don't think I ever will.
but you would think, with all that said that my stress level would slowly lower itself but really it's at an all time high. especially with my mom and my sister. I wish I could understand my mother. the whole situation really hurts my feelings and just pisses me off. Like she can just get away with everything she's done and I have to be the bigger person to just brush it under the rug and pretend everything fine. well it's not. I'm still angry. truth is, I'll always be angry and theres nothing anyone can do about it. not even her. she made way too many mistakes that she can't ever take back. and now her and her whateverrrr are have problems when just a few ago she was fuckin pregnant by him? that's great. get yourself knocked up and then have all this god damn drama on FACEBOOk? where everyone and their moms can see it. how embarrassing. grow the fuck up. get your shit together. because if I could help it, you wouldn't have gotten away with it for this long. pathetic piece of shit. you seriously ruined my life and everyday that I live miserably it's your fault. you created this fuckin battlefield I live on. and your so god damn broke but you can afford to buy Taylor diamond earrings? when did I everrr get anything like that. the money isn't he point, it's the point that I do everything for my fuckin self and the only person who try to help is my father. just because he made something of himself you feel like you have punish him for that? just because you could have had that lifestyle but you fucked YOURSElF over? he wasn't good enough? you needed other people. and you thought you were so sneaky. I was sooo young and I still knew what was going on. too bad you still think its a secret. your such a good role model. and it kills me everyday to know that my sister is just fuckig like you. selfish and pathetic. you SHOULD feel sorry for yourself because you've lost so much tht you will never get back, including your daughter. it's sad that you really could careless.
I think I'm ready to cut ALL ties,
I'm an adult right?
no one can make my choices for me anymore.
and my happiness depends on this choice.
considering now everyone is trying to push anxiety medication on me now. so I can depend on medication for happiness, that's even more pathetic.
Monday, September 27, 2010
worstttt past two weeks everrr. two wednesdays ago i called in and went to the doctor because of my butt. turned out it was an infection under the skin so he gave me an antibotic. it got worse, and worse. i didnt work the rest of the week. saturday was my fuckinnn birthdayy. but i woke up at 8, could barely walk. brien came and got in the bed with me. and i opened my presents from him. he got me the cutesttt pandora charm. a heart shaped locket with a chain that has a gold key attached. veryyyyy pretty earrings and necklace. AND MIRANDA LAMBERT ticketsss! that was pretty much the highlight of my birthday since i couldnt get out of bed. my mom called and went on about going to get another present for taylor, and he birthday cake. yadda, yadda. hurt my feelings. my parents came over later. they got a niceeeeee earrings. love em' :) and april got me a bunch of clothes, and purses and crap.
sunday i had to go back to the doctor.. i went alone and then they told me they had to cut the infection open to drain it and crap so i called my dad and asked him and april to come. it was soooo painful. i was screaming so loud. and crying and could barely walk out. they packed the cut and crap with some kind of paper stuff so they would continue to drain. GROSS. dad drove me home, and april drove my car to get my meds filled and then back to my house.
the entire following week i was out of work. tuesday i got the packing taken out. and the doctor wanted to put more in, i said NO. the that night my parents came over to watch GLEE :). friday my parents left for the beach so that night once brien got off work we headed to the beach. friday night we pretty much just had dinner. then saturday we woke up early. i couldnt sleep so i was up at 4:30. we went to charleston, SC to the naval shippp thing. idk? it was cool but a lot of walking for me, since i still have the cuts and stuff. then we ate a bubba gump shrippp. deliciousssss. they had signs that said "run forest run" and then another saying "stop forest stop" depending on if you needed your waitress or not. then brien got me and him a hoodie and since we spend more than $50? we got a cute little back pack thing like i wantedddd. YAY. its pinkkk. then we walked around the slave market and all around charleston. then april got me this really pretty necklaceee. its really simple with just one pearl. its cute. then we went back to mrytle beach. and just hungout really.
sunday me and brien didnt wake up until 9? or 10? and my parents were already on the pier, so we showered and stuff and went out there.. i was out there for like five minutes and caught a fishh. then it started raining pretty badly so we ate at the pier resturant. then brien and i packed up our stuff. we met my parents down at some storeee. and my dad got me a new shirttt. tried to convince brien to get some sperrysss, but he wouldntt. then me and brien drove down to mrytle beachhh. and walked the strip. he convinced me to go in the Ripleys haunted house. scaryyyy as fuckkk. we went in with three other people. and brien led the whole wayyy through. but the guy made me and brien go first. and this guy came out with a chainsaw and i thought that i was the end so i just took off runningg, and realized it was still the house. so we all got cloggedd up because i couldnt see and wouldnt go first. haha. then we get in the elevator and im like THANK GOD its over, it wasnt overrrr. and i literally peed in my pants. brien was so damn brave. he seriously just walked through it. then we stopped at mcdonalds to pee, and get tea. and the ride home was miserableeeee. it rained the WHOLE way there. but it wasnt too bad with brien there :) we talked a lot, and im so glad i have him. i'd be lost otherwise. then i decided to stop and see my mom. since friday i told her how she hurt my feelings, and then saturday she wanted to come by and see me. so i figured id get it out of the way because i wouldnt feel like it this weekk. she gave me my present, and taylor was going on and on about all the shit and money she got for her birthday. whateverrr. we picked up utley from staceys house and she had him dressed up! in a hoodie. HOW CUTEEE. then he peed on brien in the car. hahaha. once we got home we just crashedddddd.
sunday i had to go back to the doctor.. i went alone and then they told me they had to cut the infection open to drain it and crap so i called my dad and asked him and april to come. it was soooo painful. i was screaming so loud. and crying and could barely walk out. they packed the cut and crap with some kind of paper stuff so they would continue to drain. GROSS. dad drove me home, and april drove my car to get my meds filled and then back to my house.
the entire following week i was out of work. tuesday i got the packing taken out. and the doctor wanted to put more in, i said NO. the that night my parents came over to watch GLEE :). friday my parents left for the beach so that night once brien got off work we headed to the beach. friday night we pretty much just had dinner. then saturday we woke up early. i couldnt sleep so i was up at 4:30. we went to charleston, SC to the naval shippp thing. idk? it was cool but a lot of walking for me, since i still have the cuts and stuff. then we ate a bubba gump shrippp. deliciousssss. they had signs that said "run forest run" and then another saying "stop forest stop" depending on if you needed your waitress or not. then brien got me and him a hoodie and since we spend more than $50? we got a cute little back pack thing like i wantedddd. YAY. its pinkkk. then we walked around the slave market and all around charleston. then april got me this really pretty necklaceee. its really simple with just one pearl. its cute. then we went back to mrytle beach. and just hungout really.
sunday me and brien didnt wake up until 9? or 10? and my parents were already on the pier, so we showered and stuff and went out there.. i was out there for like five minutes and caught a fishh. then it started raining pretty badly so we ate at the pier resturant. then brien and i packed up our stuff. we met my parents down at some storeee. and my dad got me a new shirttt. tried to convince brien to get some sperrysss, but he wouldntt. then me and brien drove down to mrytle beachhh. and walked the strip. he convinced me to go in the Ripleys haunted house. scaryyyy as fuckkk. we went in with three other people. and brien led the whole wayyy through. but the guy made me and brien go first. and this guy came out with a chainsaw and i thought that i was the end so i just took off runningg, and realized it was still the house. so we all got cloggedd up because i couldnt see and wouldnt go first. haha. then we get in the elevator and im like THANK GOD its over, it wasnt overrrr. and i literally peed in my pants. brien was so damn brave. he seriously just walked through it. then we stopped at mcdonalds to pee, and get tea. and the ride home was miserableeeee. it rained the WHOLE way there. but it wasnt too bad with brien there :) we talked a lot, and im so glad i have him. i'd be lost otherwise. then i decided to stop and see my mom. since friday i told her how she hurt my feelings, and then saturday she wanted to come by and see me. so i figured id get it out of the way because i wouldnt feel like it this weekk. she gave me my present, and taylor was going on and on about all the shit and money she got for her birthday. whateverrr. we picked up utley from staceys house and she had him dressed up! in a hoodie. HOW CUTEEE. then he peed on brien in the car. hahaha. once we got home we just crashedddddd.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
the past two weeks ive worked 12-9 at honda because they still havent hired anyone for it yet. i'd just take it but im not working every saturday. sorry, i work enough of them as it is. so last week on thursday i didnt have to be in until 12 and brien just called to say he was going to be late and we drove to sanford to see the puppy. i wanted brien to go because i knew i would take him no matter what. so either way we ended up getting him and i swear ive never seen anything cuter. hes a really good puppy and he has had very many accidents. i took him to work with me on thursday and friday. friday night briien was hanging out with andy so i went over to crystals. cause matt, jenn and crystals sister were there. and i wanted little Utley to play with scooter :) so i picked up arbys for me and matt. then i left at like 11:30 so i didnt get home until 12:30..
then saturday morning i had to work at chrysler but befre i could even get there i got a phone call from matt saying there was no cashier and everyone was panicked. so i went to open up chrysler and then i left there to come open honda. and it seriously was a mad house.. i helped like 10 people as soon as i got there. and then crystal finally showed up at like 915. after i got off i had to go get crystal something to eat then drove home. gave utley a bath with the flea shampoo. then went over to my parents house and my dad gave utley his five way shot. because he was due for it. then we went over to shawn and gabbys cause i had to babysit. i fell asleep for like an hour.. so brien pretty much babysat. afterwards we just went home and went to sleep. utleys been sleeping in the bed :) and hasnt had any accidents in it ! i love my little puppyyy.
then sunday i slept in and me and brien decided to take Utley to the farmers market. and i seriously took us like 3 hours there because everyone we past wanted to see Utley and play with him. but then we left there and went to petsmart and got utley a new leash and collar and a krate for him to stay in when we arent home. then when we were in petmsart i had Utley on the ground cause i wanted him to walk and learn and not bwe scared and this women is like " its time to pick him up now he's scared.." and i just started at her. and then she said it again and im like? what, serioulsy i didnt say anything and then she picked him up and handed him to me.. so i walked to the next eisle and set him down. dumb woman. and walking into petsmart this man was asking about Utley and as i soon as i turned around i was like " are you micthell lanphiers dad? " and he was so we talked for like a good 20 minutes.. about bullshit. apparently his dad moved to apex and now has a baby and shit. whateverrr. so we went home i cookede dinner and did laundryy. yada yadaaa.
monday morning i got up and went to work. and all at the same tim eme, christina, and angie were standing with nicole.. and nicoles like " who wants to work at honda the night shift this week.." and christina's just shaking her head.. and im like " i guess i'll do it." since no one else will fuckin do it. but i asked to not work until on friday cause my birthday is on saturday.. but anyways. brien ended up calling out sick. he was throwing up and had a migraine or something? gross.
then today he called out to and went to the doctor and what not. today has sucked. ive felt like shit the whole day and now i feel like i might throw up.. but we still have two waiters.. and i cant leave.
then saturday morning i had to work at chrysler but befre i could even get there i got a phone call from matt saying there was no cashier and everyone was panicked. so i went to open up chrysler and then i left there to come open honda. and it seriously was a mad house.. i helped like 10 people as soon as i got there. and then crystal finally showed up at like 915. after i got off i had to go get crystal something to eat then drove home. gave utley a bath with the flea shampoo. then went over to my parents house and my dad gave utley his five way shot. because he was due for it. then we went over to shawn and gabbys cause i had to babysit. i fell asleep for like an hour.. so brien pretty much babysat. afterwards we just went home and went to sleep. utleys been sleeping in the bed :) and hasnt had any accidents in it ! i love my little puppyyy.
then sunday i slept in and me and brien decided to take Utley to the farmers market. and i seriously took us like 3 hours there because everyone we past wanted to see Utley and play with him. but then we left there and went to petsmart and got utley a new leash and collar and a krate for him to stay in when we arent home. then when we were in petmsart i had Utley on the ground cause i wanted him to walk and learn and not bwe scared and this women is like " its time to pick him up now he's scared.." and i just started at her. and then she said it again and im like? what, serioulsy i didnt say anything and then she picked him up and handed him to me.. so i walked to the next eisle and set him down. dumb woman. and walking into petsmart this man was asking about Utley and as i soon as i turned around i was like " are you micthell lanphiers dad? " and he was so we talked for like a good 20 minutes.. about bullshit. apparently his dad moved to apex and now has a baby and shit. whateverrr. so we went home i cookede dinner and did laundryy. yada yadaaa.
monday morning i got up and went to work. and all at the same tim eme, christina, and angie were standing with nicole.. and nicoles like " who wants to work at honda the night shift this week.." and christina's just shaking her head.. and im like " i guess i'll do it." since no one else will fuckin do it. but i asked to not work until on friday cause my birthday is on saturday.. but anyways. brien ended up calling out sick. he was throwing up and had a migraine or something? gross.
then today he called out to and went to the doctor and what not. today has sucked. ive felt like shit the whole day and now i feel like i might throw up.. but we still have two waiters.. and i cant leave.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
everyhings fine, i just hate those phases that i go through because during those phases its like nothing makes me happy. last week was ridiculous, i just didnt want to go home. so like almost everyday i just went out and drove around by myself. it was relaxing but it got old. i made up with brien on friday. apologizing and trying my best to explain what was going on. so friday night when i got off at 9, i met him, tyler and andy at some place on hillsborough street. then we all left, i picked up cigarettes and they picked up beer and we went back to the house to play beer pongg. andy was shooting under handeddd. LMAO. then after like 5 games i had to throw up. haha. but i drank more than anyone else anyways because andy was on my team and he wasnt drinking.. so i had to drink his. i guys while i was throwing up tyler and andy just dipped, haha. so i went to bed. then saturday we went to my dads house around 3 and corey, and amanda were there with their babyyy sileyyy. she was soo big and cute. then sunday we went over around 1. corey and amanda were there and so were duke and pam. but after dinner they went down to the neighbors house which was really ridiculous and everyone was upset because it was rude. they were supposed to be over for a while. but we went to sunni skies. and then came back to my dads house for a while. monday brien and i drove to smithfiield to get my bridesmaid dress for taylors wedding. so i had to pay another $90.00. which brings he dress to a total of $180.00. ughhh. then we ate at bob evans, soooo good. came back home. went to target and borders. brien got me my mommywood book! and then we went grocery shopping. anothering $93.00 i had to spend. damnn. then i came home and was cutting canalope and cut the shit out of my finger. seriously, im yelling " BRIEN I CUT MY FINGER " and he just stared at me while blood was going everywhere. he said " i thought you were just kidding " hahahaaaha. im working 12-9 this week and honda. SCORE. then saturday im working 8-3 and im baby sitting gianna at 6! makinnn that money for vacation. and my birthday is in 11 dayssss. SAY WHAT.
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