maybe the decesion to stop taking my anti-depressants wasnt a good idea. i cried last night, the first time in a while. it felt good to cry, but i just dont know why i was so upset. why is tough to not speak to my mom, when i never wanted to speak to her in the first place. when all she does is bring me down. why does it matter so much? if i let her in, she isnt going to make me feel any better. if anything i will just feel worse. and where does matt get off saying that i only want to get married because i want to prove my mom wrong? what does that even mean. why would i have ANYTHING to prove to her.  ive tried all my life to prove things to her, like im actually a good kid. or that i do work hard. and that i will NEVER be like her. even if i were to get married, and have a kid that wouldnt prove ANYTHING. because she would doubt everything i did.she would say i was too young or that i didnt know what i was doing. and i would never look to her for guidance ever. maybe im wrong, in fact i usually am. but i know what i want, and thats the bottom line.

and why would i think anything different. i didnt once mention moving in with matt in the beginning. he is the one who rushed that along, not me. so how would i not think that. he gave me the impression that we were moving fast, and that was perfectly fine with me.

i love matt.
end of story. i HATE when peoplke underestimate me. thats all theyve done all my life. it seems to be a pattern, that i thought would eventually fade. how much do i have to prove to a person?

and i dont even want to think about this period problem. i took a pregnacy test, and it was negative. the last thing i want right now is to find out that i cant have children. so im not going to the doctor. i'd rather not face my fears, thanks though.