Things are constantly changing around me. It seems as I get older things change faster. Yesterday was my biological moms birthday and I didn't even think "should I text her?"  After the drama she caused before the wedding and then not showing up I decided she is pretty much dead to me. I'm sure to an outsider it sounds harsh but I've come to terms with the way things need to be. My sister didn't attend the wedding either, go figure.

I'm starting to see children born and now they are walking and talking and it's scary how fast time is moving. I feel like I need more hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to do, but I also need to buckle down and get with the program.

I can't justify saying that work is better, but I think I've learned to tolerate it. I really have so many other outlets that I wish I could explore but my job leaves no time for anything other than cleaning and resting. And honesty, I'm making good money for my age and education level but for the hours and work that I put into it is just not worth it. Service has become a revolving door, and that's not the way things were meant to be.

I think I am going to hunker down and try to explore these things tht I enjoy and could potentially make me a stay at home mom.. for when we have kids of course. I need some motivation and some time off.

it's that time again

It's the time of year when we eat until we can't breathe, spend hours unwrapping gifts, and everyone just seems to be in a better mood. It's Christmas time.

I honestly can't believe how fast the end of the year got here. I've been married for over a month now, which was a time I felt would never come.

Our wedding was personal and beautiful and we were surrounded by all the people that mean the most to us. Our honeymoon was peaceful, fun, but exhausting a well.

While Christmas is exactly a week away from today, I am still trying to cope with the distance that getting married has wedged into my relationship with my daddy. I just don't have time to call him everyday like I used to, and the hour drive becomes too far too quick when I only have one day off that week. Not to mention conflicting schedules. I am thankful for the time that I do spend with him or talking to him, but "growing up" gets harder every day. And I know what you are thinking "boohoo, pity party for the girl who has it all" that's not what I mean. I guess it's just a little harder to manage that I thought.

On top of that, Mikey is already living in Kentucky, Caroline is moving to Nashville soon, and Alicia is already I'm Greenville to be moving to another state soon. These are my best friends and while I am happy for all they are doing and have already accomplished I don't want them moving away! I'm greedy I know.. Everyone move into my neighborhood and never leave my side.

I guess it's just sad to me and I don't know what to do. I have baby fever like crazy. But I'm trying to figure out if I am actually ready for a baby or if I am doing it to fill the gap from my friends moving away. That doesn't make much sense to anyone else, but at least it makes sense to me. I don't expect anyone to understand.

On a lighter note. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (of course) and I'm really excited thinking about getting the festivities under way. We are actually cramming everything into 4 days so that ought to be interesting/exhausting. I love spending time with my family though. Presents are great, but breakfast with the family is better.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.


Also, if the world ends at least I will die happy.

BUCKET LIST

Learn to sew better, and make something that I can use.
Ride in a hot air balloon.
Plant a garden.
Learn to bake from scratch. ( and it taste & look good )
Painting something for the house that I really couldn't live without on my walls.
Swim with the dolphins.
Learn to grill a steak like my daddy ( and future husband ) ;)
Change the oil in my car.
Learn sign language.
Go to disney world, six flags, and new york city. ( im sure the list will grow )
Write a book.

I hope the list continues to grow!


side note: im pissed because I tried to go back and look at some old posts.. and all my post from 2009 are gone.. and a whole bunch from 2010. wtf? does blogger delete them after a certain amount of time?

wow, did I call it or what? the other day I said something must be up because of the way my mom was texting me and tagging me on facebook and stuff. hmmm. friday night I stayed the night at my dads house and while we were having dinner dad tells me about everything thats been going on with him, my mom, and taylor. I was surprised at all, just reallyyy pissed. here we go..

my dad finally found out that my sister was back in North Carolina. shes going to CCCC and working at cookout. she gets sick and ask dad to take her to the doctor because she doesnt have any money.. dad doesnt go but does pay for it. a week or so later one of her friends told her that she was showing metal on her tires so she called my dad.. dad tells her to take it to mr. warren and let him check them out. she needs four tires... but atleast one to be somewhat safe. so i guess dad tells her to come up to cary on wednesday. in the meantime she texted me asking about how i leased my first car.. and then asked me did i work in cary because she was coming up. i said no and left it t that. so dad ends up putting four new tires on the car and i guess having a pretty serious intense conversation with taylor. she doesnt ever come out and say it but dad says she seems like she is sorry for everything that has happened and now she realizes the way her mom is vs. my dad. she talks about how she wants to see dad more and see me more.. she tells dad about how when she was living with mom someone stole $200.00 dollars from her and a braclet. ( i have a suspicion thats its my mother who stole it ) then she says that mom is supposed to be sending money for her to eat with but she never does.. my dad then shows her a text from my mom that says she IS in fact sending taylor money. taylor talks about how she doesnt have any clothes and mom wont give her any money for clothes. so dad offers to take her to walmart to get clothes and she agrees. ( although i dont think they actually went ) taylor leaves and dad is convinced she is trying to do the right thing now.. the next day was his birthday and my mom text him and ask him to extend his child support for another year until taylor is 19. dad simply replys "no".

so after hearing this entire story i completely loose my appetite. i had half a hotdog and a few bits of mac and cheese. im pissed. everyone was okay with the way things were and now you want to come back and basically ask for forgiveness? its not fair. he is MY dad. you took him for granted and now you just want him back? trust and respect is something you earn and girlll you are WAYYYY in the negative right now. i dont understand why this has to happen. she has always wanted what i have.. this is her just being the typical taylor. but really, why is she doing this? is it because she actually knows what the hell happened and now she knows she was in the wrong? or is it some plan to manipulate my dad into giving her what she wants. i love my dad and he is a smart man but thats his daughter and im not sure where is would draw the line. he may draw the line way to late.

ive decided that i am not giving in in the least. things are going to stay the way are. im not falling for it and im not wasting my time because things will NEVER be the same. i learned how to cope and deal with that fact and im sticking to it. you're not coming back in to screw with my emotions.

also i have this huge urge to confront my mom about someone stealing taylors 200.00 dollars and braclet. obviously i dont know if i can even believe taylors story but i still just want to confront her about it. and thats another thing.. do we believe taylor or my mom? or are they both playing together to play against us? its unreal.

wow, time really does fly. i cant believe the last time i wrote in this thing was june. thing this used to be my therapy. maybe thats why i continue to relapse over and over again. or maybe its because im not taking my medicine.. because thats what everyone else seems to think. either way ive been off my meds for quite a while now and i feel fine, and matt said he hasnt been able to tell like he normally would. so maybe im getting better? or better at masking it..

november is getting veryyy close and i am overwhelmed with all the shit i still have left to do. mikey and alicias 21st birthdays have come and past. for mikeys birthday we all went to legends. i drank in the bathroom, called a cab back to carolines apartment and we all crashed. alicias birthday i took off friday so i could drive up to greenville thursday night and surprize her. we all stayed at her apartment.

that friday night i went out with matt, larry, and larrys date (Mary) to Charlie Goodnights to see one of customers Charlie Viracola. Saturday Matt and i spent the day together, had angus barn for dinner, and then went bowling with larry and his date again. (turned out to be a big mistake) lets just say i wont being going on anymore double dates with them again. i actually wish he would just "hit it and quit it" oh well.

i hadnt really heard from my mom until the other day she texted me to see how wedding plans were coming along.. weird. something must be up because i know she doesnt actually wish she was here helping or else she would be helping from a far. and my sister.. oh hey she actually live in North Carolina again. I only know that because Mikey, Alicia, Sarah, and Caroline saw her working at cookout. i have no clue who she is leaving with or where. and she asked my dad for a new car as her 18th birthday present. HA HA. my dad said "hell no, allison paid for her second car" and taylor says "well see.. im not allison" haha, we know girl, we know. thats not something to be proud of.

what else is going on in this glamorous life of mine.
OH, i hate my job. and yes even more than before. my schedule used to be tuesday through saturday. which kind sucked working saturdays but i was okay with it. now i work every other saturday and only get one say off every other week. WTF. the schedule is horrible. so basically it pushed me over the edge. ive been searching for a new job and i got everything ready to go back to school. i didnt have time to start this semester but next semester i am going back to school for criminal justice. OH HEY, im going to be working in a prison. im really excited. hopefully i will have a new job soon. because in order to quit, i have to have a new job. lemme work from home or something, shit. or write a blog. DREAM JOB. because i have always loved to read and write.

i died my hair darkkk brown with some red high lights last night. ive always liked my hair darker. now i just want it to grow out for the wedding and forever. haha.

here comes the bride

i am engaged to be married as of March 4th, 2012.  what an amazing feeling that i waited (what feels like forever) to experience. it seems like time is flying by and November 10th will be here before i know it.

so many emotions are starting to play into this whole wedding planning thing. from day one ive been saying that my mother and sister will attend as guest, but now that i am actually having to go through with it, its tough. all this started when i found out that i was expected to be at my sister graduation. and not only would i be attending with my mother and her poentionaly gay boyfriend and his son. but also my grandmother from texas who hasnt spoken to me in a very long time. to make matters worse my father and step mother will be there. making this little get together extremely awkward, nerve-racking, and really just plain scary.

but here comes the part i dont quite understand - some idiotic part of me actually wants to go and see my grandmother. how can i feel so much anger towards certain people, yet i still have a desire to see them. and some how miss them. that makes no sense. i would love to see my sister graduate, but why? she doesnt even speak to me unless she needs something. and in case no one notice i have nothing left to give. and why should i go sit beside my grandmother to watch my sister graduate when my grandmother didnt even acknowledge when i graduated. will she even acknowledge that i am getting married. i havent even gotten a phone call, a card, a lettter. NOTHING congradulating me, or telling me how proud she is of me. i guess the truth is that i turned out just like my father, and he was never good enough for my mother OR for my grandmother. so i should expect nothing more than this.

im overwhelmed with this entire thing. i just want to stay in my cozzy little home eating easy mac until saturday has come and gone. too bad I have to live in reality. unlike my mother and sister. bad thing for them is that my reality is better than what they THINK their reality is.

switching off these emotions the best i can by drowning myself in a The Vampire Diaries marathon.

fuck you.

Why does it seem like people NEVER change for the better?

I'd like to say that my mother and sister moving to Alabama doesn't bother me but I think it is affecting me a little bit. How long has she known this guy and how did she meet him? She can't know him enough to quit her jobs, pick up and move states away. I think she is making decisions on impulse. But who am I to judge? But what really pisses me off is she's done it again.. I work so hard and get so little but she gets to quit her jobs and go on a cruise to Mexico. I might even goes as far as to say he doesn't deserve to be happy. But I guess that's pretty harsh.

Looking at pictures of my cousin Avery that I've never met and of my grandma who I haven't seen in years really gets to me. And im sure I'd be really upset if I found out exactly what they thought of me. But if they only knew I'm a hard working responsible young women I'm not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. But man up and act like an adult. Realize that you're actually the problem and me staying away was actually the solution. I wish I didn't Ben waste my time thinking of the situation.


I've been writing service since Wednesday but I guess Monday I'll be back to receptionist. I'm trying to keep my faith but it's hard.

Saturday was crazy at work and as soon as I got home we went to Matt's moms house and I soon as I got home went to bed. Matt woke me up at 10:30 to get breakfast then I came home and took and nap. Then went to dads to watch the Super Bowl.

I. Am. So. Tired.
Work tomorrow is going to suck.

I'm tired of people asking me when Matt and I are getting married. HELLO! I have no control over it because if I did I would have done it yesterday. It's getting on my nerves because I'm tired of waiting just like everyone else.

I think I'm getting sick because my throat hurts and I don't feel good.

Okay, bye.

tell me something good, tell me that you love me.

whenever i set foot into work it feels like the world is spinning. everything is crumbling under chucks feet. our BEST alignment tech is moving to new mexico and friday was his last day. so ryan (one of our service advisors) decided he wanted to move into the shop. of course i think working back there would be better for him and he would be happier and management thought the same thing so hes moved into the shop. so thats one service advisor down. now stephanie (one of our service advisors) is transfering to the nissan store in cary. so thats a second service advisor down. kenia is moving to winston - salem so she put in her two weeks. so theres one receptionist down. theres another tech leaving this friday. not to mention all rumors about other people quiting. WTF. i understand people get mad, or people have to move on for various reasons but its just weird. not to mention i thought this would be good for me because with people dropping like flies a spot should open up for me to move up like i was promised 6 months ago (need i remind you) but Bonnie was supposed to move back to reception and i was supposed to take her place but apparently that cant happen until a new receptionist is hired. i guess he wants me to train her? I guess thats a compliment but im just trying to move on before i get set back again. as anyone should understand.

friday night a bunch of us got together at the ale house to have a little get together for Tavon and Jimmy since they are bothing moving. it was a lot of fun. matt and i picked my melanie so she could drink. i ended up playing a game of pool with brent and beating him! :) but before me he was playing with chinstrap and chinstrap used the yellow 1 ball as the cue ball. what an idoit. it was said saying bye to Jimmy :( but he will be back im sure.

saturday i had to work but did NOT want to get out of bed. so i was like 10 minutes late for work. anyways it was like pouring rain so i figured everyone would stay home and we would have a pretty slow day. boy was i wrong. not only were we busy but John came up to work to confront the sales guy that crystal apparently stayed the night with the night of the christmas party. thank god all he did was talk to him but it was still nerve racking. an crystal was like two hours late. and even though larry asked john to leave he still waited for crystal to get to work so he could confront her. NOT OKAY. also chuck made an appt and misquoted tires. and i only had 9 techs and one of them was stuck on a 15 hour ticket. i didnt get lunch until 1:30 and i had to pick something up for like 5 techs since they had to work through lunch. and i didnt leave until 4. then saturday night we went over to shanes house to cookout. we had duck, steak, and baked potatos. sunday i slept ALL day. literally. and then went to bed at 12 and slept all night. i must have needed to catch up or something.

so back to this thing with crystal and her husband. i feel bad because i dont know exactly how to help her. she obviously needs to start with her drinking problem. i guess the first step is admitting that she has a problem which she has done and i think tonight she is going to an AA meeting. which is awesome. im so proud of her for that. her and john are also talking about going to counseling which would awesome for both of them. i feel like i have so much advise for them but i dont want her to feel like i am putting her down. she just needs to put down drinking for good. marriage is for better or for worse and while they are probably at the lowest point of their lifes and marriage they took those vows and they really need to work toward keeping them. marriage is a very important thing that ( in my opinion ) should be fought for. theres a reason why you married that person, so shuffle through all the shit and uncover that orginal reason. i KNOW they both love each other, theres just a lot of things making them both angry. of course it wont be easy but i know with hard work they can make it through. maybe hitting rock bottom will help crystal. i wish i could have been a better friend but 1. i know what its like for someone to bother me when I just want to be left alone 2. i didnt and still dont know the best way to go about talking to her. i dont want to offend her, or make her feel like shes being judged. everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.

I want to save the world, but first I need to save myself.

so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick

I'm ashamed that I haven't written in this thing since November. It's good therapy for me to write in here. Plus Matt uses the computer all the time but now i figured out I can use the blogger iPhone app on my iPad :))

Anyways Christmas past very quickly. I got diamond earrings, an iPhone 4s, all kinds of kitchen stuff and bedding. It was a good Christmas. And Matt loves his lazyboy! I love it too :)) haa. New years was good, we stayed at my dads house.

So the new year was supposed to bring new things for me. Especially a new job , and I told myself that if I wasn't moved by Jan then I would go to chuck and talk to him. So one of our service advisors moved to the shop so I figured it was the perfect opportunity. I was told that me moving up was in the works and they were also working on moving Bonnie back to reception. THANK GOD. Finally. I just hope it happens fast.

Oh and we got a new pup! I saved him from the harnett county animal shelter! He is so cute..

i died my hair darker and put some red in it! i used like a black on the bottom and a dark reddish brown on top. i did a pretty good job considering i did it all by myself. im getting new glasses next week. THANK GOD because the glasses i have now are so old and broken. i love this glasses but they are just sad.

im STILL waiting to get married. atleast get engaged. it seems like everyone around me is moving on in the world. we've been together/living together for over a year. lets get on with it..

i wish i could say that everything is better, but we all know that will never happen. nothing could make EVERYTHING better.  i still cant get a grip on my anxiety and depression, which makes me feel like i never will. and it seems like im running in circles with everything.. work, relationship.. never going anywhere.

so today when i get home im like extremely relieved to find that no one is home. i was alone! for about 3 minutes.. in comes BJ so i just ignore him and keep feeding the dogs. then he says something about is probation officer just brought him home and so i just ignored it.. well i find out later from matt that his probation officer has to come into MY house to check HIS room.. WHATTTTT.

this makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable and PISSED. i am sooooo angryyy.

i hate that i never have time to write in this thing anymore, because i think it had a lot to do with my anxiety. when i had somewhere to put my feelings rather than just holding them inside. i am so angry all the time, it really cant be healthy. most of my anger comes from the fact that BJ has completely moved in to my house and like taken over. i cant stress enough how bad it is for matt and i's relationship. i am trying to keep my cool, but it is VERY hard. and i find myself just getting more and more angry everyday. so angry that i dont even want to go home. you keep saying that its OUR house, well act like it.
the past weekend sucked. i did inventory at work friday night until like 10PM then saturday worked 7AM to 4PM. left work and went to my dads house. he cooked us filet mignonnn. ate dinner then i fell asleep on the couch for like 2 hours. then we went home and pretty much went to sleep. april gave me some more clothes so i went through those. i didnt want to go to bed so early because we actually got to have some time alone since bj wasnt there. sunday i was so happy to wake up and it just be matt and i at home. i had so much to do but i just wanted to lay on the couch and watch what i wanted to on the big tv. whatever, i enjoyed just relaxing in the living room.

so a few weekends ago i commited myself to going to gay pride in durham and then going to stephanies party that night. so saturady morning crystal met me and my house and i drove to durham. only to end up standing in the pouring rain. we missed the parade completely and ended up just driving back to stephs house. ate some lunch and just hung out. that night quite a few people ended up coming to the party. it was a lot of fun until john busted up in the door demanding to know where is wife was. BUZZ KILL. they ended up fighting for like 30 min. steph asked her to leave and she didnt.. and then she ruined one of dianes dresses. needless to say its was a really fun night until all that happened. the next morning i drove me and crystal back to my house so she could get her car and then i drove over to larrys moms house to have breakfast. HUNGOVER AS HELL. wahhhh.

work has been so frustrating lately. when we moved into the new building i was promised a position writing express service. that was a position he said i deserved.. almost three months later and i am still sitting behind the receptionist desk. doing the SAME thing. i understand that i should have patience but he promised me a job. i need MORE MONEY. im tired of being broke all the time. i applied for some part time jobs. chuck said he can give me more hours.. which is great. but give me a raise.. im struggling here OBVIOUSLY. and no one understandS why im so upset. i cant ever get ahead and it sucks. not to mention i learned to dispatch.. so now lets see.. i can cashier, write service, answer phones, and dispatch. WHOSE JOB CANT I DO. the only thing i cant do is work on the actual car, and im pretty sure they could train me to do that considering they will train anyone. so why am i like the lowest paid person here.. when i can do ANYONEs job. that makes no sense to me. i feel like i am being used, but i dont know what else to do.

matt and I obviously have different goals. I want to get married. Why is this not a common goal. Someone help me understand.


Anyways. My birthday was awesome. I got my tattoo Friday night. Then Saturday Matt got a new truck. Afterwards we went to eat dinner at south point and we went shopping after dinner. Sunday we had my party at marts moms house. So many people came, it was so much fun. Except I drank too much wine and was asleep by like 8:30. Hahaha.

Last night I got my hair cut to my shoulders. Woww. But whatever it will grow backkk. And tonight kenia and I are cooking spaghetti and watching jersey shore.

do you know what it feels like to hate EVERYTHING.
to hate everything around you. every person, every attitude, your job, your house, your situation. does anyone on earth know what that feels like. you dont want to. its something you cant control. you just have this negative attitude towards everything and everyone. everything thing makes you mad or upset. and you just feel like giving up. because giving up would be so much easier. but then you realize that you cant give up because that would effect everyone around you and that would be unfair. but your torn.. because who cares? its like your at a crossroads.. except for the fact that both ways is a train wreck. no one will ever understand. its like i am fighting myself all day everyday and tears could pour out at anytime.

its a constant battle, and im tired of fighting it.
it feels like im drowning, and no one can find a life jacket.

i think the worst part is that the people that are most important to me dont understand. all i hear is change your attitude, or dont let it bother you. or im tired of hearing you cry and whine. seriously? you have a lot of nerve.

I've neglected this thing.

summing up like the past month. I still have my foster dog Annie. We got an ipad. I started doing all the Internet stuff for d-sass. I learned to dispatch at work, so I'm starting to work a few saturdays. Bj turned himself into rehab and somehow eneded up living with us.. which I am not very hppy about. and im still working the job I hate sitting beside a person that i hate. I got a root canal done last week and my jaw is still sore. Ahhhh :(

Since I've been so busy with everything I wish I could just find a home for Annie because I don't have time for this foster shit anymore. I have too much on my plate.. And trying to go or get her to an event every Saturday sucks. I just have too much going on.

When bj turned himself in Matt said he was just coming to stay on the couch for 3 days.. Somehow that turned into moving into the spare bedroom. I HATE it. Once again Matt and I don't have any alone time. I can't find anything in my kitchen. And I can never be alone. It's miserable. I thought Matt and I were finally settling down.. And then here comes bj. How many chances are you going to give someone seriously? I'm so sick of not having any say in anything. Call me selfish.. Whatever.

I'm miserable.

wilddd weekend.

friday i got off work and went straight home. my foster dog was delivered! she is precious. her name is Annie. They brought lots of food, some toys, a crate and bowls and stuff for her. Her and Roxy are having some trouble getting along sometimes. but for the most parts it good. then matt got home and the time warner people came. they didnt fix anything though.. soon after i was in bed. saturday morning i had to work at 7am! since we are moving to the new building next weekend.. crystal and i had lots of files to move! we didnt stop until 4:40PM. we were sooo tiredd. so i went home and just laid on he couch. went over to crystals for a while but i was just too sore and too tired to stay.

matt and larry got up at like 3 in the morning to go get some stupid boat from south carolina. i didnt wake up until like 10:30AM and crystal was ringing my doorbell over and over. so we went out to get some food. we drove around foreverrr then finally decided on Yong Feu Lous. then we went to the dollar tree, and went to some witch like store.. i forget what its called. so then we drove around forever trying to find a good will. and once we did i had to poop soooo bad. so i blew up the bathroom in wendys! HOLLA. hahaha. so after that i went home and just watched tv. then at 11:30PM i was letting the dogs inside and Annie (my foster dog) came inside very slowly and her mouth was extremely swollen. so i woke matt up and he said she probably just licked a frog... but either way to took her to the emergency pet doctor but i couldnt get up with anyone from the foster place. they took her in and said he was bitten by a snakee. yikes.. i finally got up with someone from the humane society and they paid for the treatment and stuff. i had to leave Annie over night.. but i didnt get home until like 3:30AM. so now i am extremely tired.

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy. In such situations, you may find that you are less inhibited sexually. Perhaps you need to bring the same sense of adventure into your existing relationship.

that dream was weird. i never had sex with anyone, but it was still weird. ohh and that explanation up there pretty much just says "you're horny" hahahhaa.

i had a weirddd dream last night. i was out at some like campsite and there were picnic tables and i was on the phone with matt except i had a bluetooth on.. and he was like i really need to tell you something.. and i remember feeling really nervous and then he started talking and it got really loud around me and the phone was breaking in and out and i was so mad because i couldnt hear anything he was saying. and then we got disconnected and i took the bluetooth off and like threw it.

To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone your know,  signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself. If  you are put on hold, then the dream is a metaphor for being taken for granted or being unable to freely express yourself.

either wayy, last night when i got off work i drove to crabtree. i got a bathing suit from belk and then met alicia and cam in hallmark. then me, alicia, cam, mikey, matt, and caroline all ate at the cheesecake factory! and it took like foreverrr. but it was sooo good. then we came home and i read some of midnight sun and then went to bed.