yesterday i was tired as fuckkk. and i got to work at 8. got off at four. went home did some laundry, took a nap. went to OCHARLEYS with matt, then went to his house and watched pawn stars for like hours. and went to bed.

i honestly wouldnt trade my life for anything. i never thought id be where i am now. i have amazing parents. an amazing boyfriend who im sooo thankful for. hes soo much more than i feel like i deserve. i must have done something really good to deserve him. he's everything ive ever wanted. hes mature, i mean i guess that just comes with age. he can take care of me. he loves me, and he shows it. he has awesome friends, who dont mind me being around. ahhh he can cook :) hahaha. hes responsible. he gets along great with my family, and hes just like my freakinn dad. my dad trusts him completely. hes amazing. i love him. forever.

fridayyy i left work at 5 and went home to pack a bag for the weekend. then drove back to matts house, and stopped by honda to see him since he was working until 9. cleaned his kitchennnn, hahaa. it was so messy. then i met him and larry at chilis for dinner. then we pretty much just went to bed. matt had to work saturday anyways. so saturday i slept until like 930? and didnt do anythingggg all day. haha. i watched like 3 movies. downloaded music, and made cds. when matt got home we went to lowes to get each others keys cut. so he'll have a copy and so will i. that'll make life a lot easier. then we went to kohls to look at pots and pans. nooo fun. haha. i just dont want him spending that money. i guess i need to get over that? but then we went to lowess the food store and got beer, and mayo. hahahaaa. and i got cigarettes and the lady was soo dumbbb. she handed me like four differnet kinds and the one she did get right she put back. haha. then we rode the forewheeler <3 over to shaness to cookout. i met a lot of peopleee :) larrys mom, aunt, brother, his wife, and yeahh. its really cool that matt took me over there. we jumped on the trampolinee. after we ate, and larrys dumbass kept catching the grill on fire. hahaha, and finally matt had to put it out for him. we went back to matts to play pokerrr. sooo much funn. i was doing pretty good. i even got four of a kind with 7's. hilarious. i went to bed once i was out and just waited for matt to finish :)

sunday we got up at like 830 -900 and showered and then drove allt he way to my house to drop off my car. then we went to the fair! loveeee it. i had two hotdogs, hahaha. and we just walked around like i love to do! matt got me a carolina shirt :) and he got a state one. too cuteee. i had a pickle! but it started getting so crowded that i just wanted to get outta there. i had A LOT of fun though. then we went to my parents house cause my dad cooked us filet <3 i couldnt eat but half of it. thennn we went to sunni skiess. i love how well my parents and matt get along. :))) it was a good weekendddd.


but last night on the way to sunni skies me and matt had a serious marriage talk?? i guess, idk thats what he called it. i dont like talking about it anymore because i dont want to freak him out. but i just wanted him to understand that im already an adult.. ha. ive already missed my "youth". its just the way i grew up. im not asking to get married tomorrow, but im a lot more grown up and ready for the concept than anyone else my age. if there is anyone i could see myself marrying it would be matt. im happy with my life. i have some amazingggg people around me.

i was late for work today, go figureee. last night was soooo much fun. matt ended up going with me <33 so i got off and 4 and had to go get him clothes and feed jesses dogs and whatever. and once i got on forty it was like sitting still FOREVER. got home, changed, cleaned a little and starting trying to put together this pink thing i have so matt has something beside the bed. hahaha. we got there at like 8 or so? saw like half of eric church, who i didnt really knoww. miranda lambertt was soooo amazing. she put on a really good show, and it was a lot of fun. i think matt might have thought i wasnt having a good time cause i dont dance and stuff? idk, its just not me. but i did have a veryy good time!! and on the way out he got me a shirtt ;) sweet boyy is too good for me. went home and passed out, and i overslept.. sooo glad its the weekend.

the sunshine hit me dead in the eye, like its mad that i gave half the day to last night.

i got off at four and went straight to matts house. i was soooo tired i pretty much just changed, and went to sleep. once he got home he woke me up and we went over to crystals! me and crystal carved our pumpkins and they pretty much look like shittt. haha. but it was funn. matt brought me breakfast this morningggg. and its been raining so hopefully they wont cancel the concert !! ahhh, id be so upset.

its kind of funny how nothing my mom says directly to me bothers me anymore. she obviously knew me and brien werent together anymore. its all over facebook. but she deffently didnt make it a point to call or anything. but last night she posted a video of me and him and then liked on of his status' i mean really? so i sent her a message saying that i had moved on but i would appreciate it if she didnt talk to brien or anything or else i would have to delete her. haaa, she got pissed. she was like im glad you moved on, and i hope your happy cause i guess thats all that matters anyways. but i think you might have rushed into it a little but. i RUSHED? seriously. you got pregnant... it does matter if im happy because i spent too much time trying to please everyone else. and then she went on about how she wasnt going to let my selfishness effect her and taylor anymore.. MY SELFISHNESS? how am i selfish? what the fuckkk have i ever asked her for? what have i ever asked ANYONE for? shes the selfish one.. buying the cars that she did.. two at a time. or going out all weekend and me having to stay at home with taylor before i could drive. those were my high school weekends. and then bringing random ass guys home.. thats not selfish? we were too young for that. ridiculous. you neverrrr put me first, ever. im not a mom but im pretty sure your child comes first, at least mine will anyways. and my dad alwayssss puts me first. its clear we cant have a normal relationship, and now we cant have a relationship at all. and the sad part is thats fine with me. because maybe it is be being selfish? but im tired of letting you bring me down. so this is it. you shouldnt try to call, write, whateverrr. it wont do any good. finally i stood up for myself. and maybe i am mad at all the mistakes shes mad, but i ALWAYS give people chances.. im not the kind of person to just write people off. its going to be a sad day when she doesnt see me get married, or doesnt see me on christmas. its going to be sad when taylor fucks up more than she already is, and then she realizes that i work as hard as i do. im so thankful for my dad, april, matt, and all my friendsss.

i just want to write about you, all dayyyyy.

today i mentioned thanksgiving and christmas to matt and he said "oh i will be with you christmas morning, thats what i care about the most" how sweettt. and he bought me two tickets to see miranda lambert since brien returned my other ones. so me and april are going to the concert tomorrow!! im so excited. and got tickets to the state fair. i swear i love that boy. he's going to spoil meee. i feel so stable, when almost two weeks ago i was sooo unstable. its amazing and im very proud myself. i couldnt ask for better family, or friends, or boyfriendddd. :)) im on top of the world. its such an incredible feeling. i knew that the only place there was to go was up, and it didnt take me longg. i get off at four, so im going to matts, and either taking a nap until he gets home.. or going to crystals once she gets off. probably nap! hahaa. but once matt gets home we are going to crystalsss.


being with matt is sooo incredible, and so normal? which doesnt make sense. but its like.. we've been together for a while. idkk, i cant explain it. its great to have someone who appreciates me, who wants to do things for me, and just cares. with me and my dad being so close.. i thinkkk its a good thing that him and matt are just alike. i like it anyways. i think its good to be best franss before anyways. which means we will always be if something happens. event thoughhh it never will. yepp, k.

yesterday i workedd at chrysler, plus mercedes, plus bmw. on my lunch break i had to take the dress women my dress so she can alter it for the weddinggg. it was the most awkward thinggg. hahaa. we were just standing in her living room and she was like, " go ahead and get undressed, theres no one here but me " hahaha, until i relized i was wearing the smallest pair of underwear i own. LMAO. so i got that done. i got off at four so matt just met me at the housee. but theres was a wreck on US1 so i tried to tell him to get around it but i suckkk so bad at directionss. haha. after i went home and changed we just went for a drive, then to get my hair color, and to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner. :) matt cooked chicken ceaser salad with bacon for my parentsssss. omggg, sooo good. :))) so we watched glee, then did my hair. it looks soo good. i like it much better than my red. but i ended up needing two bottles because i have such thick hair soo matt and my dad had to go to the store together. hahaha. cute. i watched like half of teen mom that came on at 12 but i passed out earlyyy.

everythings perfectttt.
i love you.

i love when people tell the truth. that question that i was dreading from matt came up saturday night. turns out jesse actually told him the truth. yeahh it was after he lied and kept it a lie for months but either way atleast now matt knows i was being truthful. go me. i dont feel like i just came out of a relationship either.. i feel like brien isnt worth me being worried, or upset about. someone like that doesnt deserve to me in my life. im not rebounding. im doing what makes me happy. which i should have done months ago.

last night was retarded at work. it was like a millionnn degrees. so when i finally got off matt just picked me up from here. he brought me new silverware. like some get got like five years ago for christmas and hasnt used. hahaha. then we drove to my house so i could shower and changee. and we ended up going to daniels. yummmm. then we pretty much just came home and watched  jersey shoreee. haha. i was sooo tired, i just didnt want to sleep because i hate missing time with him. he's the sweetesttt thing. but we woke up this morning and i had nooo covers! haha. and i was freezinggg. it was ridiculous. i got ready in like .5 seconds. haha.

matts been worried about my dad knowing.. ? which i guess i kind of understand why. i mean.. my dads not dumb. we spend a lot of time together. but i talked to my dad about it this morning and he is pretty okay with it. just wants me to be careful. im taking a risk trusting someone, but ive been able to trust matt for a longggg time. whateverrr. im doing what makes me happy, its not like im out sleeping around or anything. we communicate so well, i dont know if its a maturity thing or what? either wayy its awesome. we are going to the state fair on sunday because matt has to work on saturday! im sooo excited to go to the fair. i just like walking around. and all the food. ahhhh, i cant wait!! i love fall sooo much. my birthday, then the weather gets nice, then the fair, then thanksgiving, and then christmasss!! yayyy. me and matt talked about going to the christmas party together this year. how exciting! plus i get off at 4 todayyyy. so im meeting matt at my house. then later me and april are going to buy my hair dye. doing my hair, and watching glee!! so serious about my glee, but the last episode suckedd.

i feel baddd, that i dont feel bitter.

as of wednesday, brien no longer lives in NC. i was fucked over, but im better now. ive moved into my OWN apartment all by myself. :) i went to the doctor for my anxiety and stress and they prescribed me some medicineee. i got rid of utley.. and jesus sooo much has changed. im glad things ended when they did, and its kind of bad that im not exactly upset anymore. soo, wednesday i we moved all my stuff over to my new apartment. then thursday i went over to crystals house. utley was at home so i had to drive all the way home. but matt got off at 630 so he just rode with me. we got utley and went over to crystals house. we pretty much just sat around like alwaysss.

FRIDAY, i went to dinner with my parents. i got off at four so i went home to start laundry and take a nap. we had dinner at daniels ! my dad picked me up, so they went to drop me off and help straighten up my apartment. ssooo me and april were outside smoking and on the balcony across from mine we heard BANG BANG BANG, APEX POLICE. OPEN UP. so there were like people in there but i guess they had the door locked? so eventually they like busted down the door and searched the place and couldnt find anyone? so later the cops came like beating on my door, and they wanted to like see my attic space and stuff to see if there was anyway they could get up in there. the cops were like playing with utley and stuff. hahaha. then later they arrested 2 guys. then my parents left. and chris came over around 1? we pretty much just watched tv, i was soo tired. and i had to get up early so he left at like 230?

SATURDAY, i went with my parents to get some shoes for taylors wedding. we drove there, picked them up and came back to fuquay. went to kohls and got 2 pairs of work pants, and some jeans. then my parents wanted me to go to the groccery store with them so i would have to pay. then i went home to finish laundry. at like 4, matt came over. the people buying the washer and dryer were supposed to come at 5 but they got there at like 6. so until then, me, my parents, and matt watchedd the carolina/clemson gamee. and we wonnn. once they took the washer and dryer.. me and matt left. we stopped by the store to get stuff for dinner and beer. then we stopped by his house so he could changee and pick up his friend BJ. and it ended up that larry, and jesse came too. then on the way to crystals we had to get more beer and cigarettes. hahaha. we were at crystals untill like 2? it was hilarious. and there was randomly like 15 people there? matt took us all back to his houseee. i just remember not being able to see and being like " CAN YOU PUT YOUR BRIGHTS ON PLEASE? " hahaha? once we got back to matts we were up until like 5AM. hahahaa. got up at like 12 and crystal and everyone were at waffle house but me and matt went to griffins instead.. then went to lowes to get some stuff for his bathtub drain, and a mail boxxx. haha. then we met crystal and john and janine at target. but matt and john ended up going to the junkyard with jason so me crystal and janine shopped then went back to her house. and took at nap. then went to hillshire farms. which was like reallyyy cool if i was 6? haha. so we didnt stay long, just got our pumpkins and lefttt. then me and matt went to harris teeter to get stuff to make spaghetti. and when it was almost done i went to smoke a cigarette and burnt the noodles. haha. then we watched glee. and went to sleeppp.

awesomeeeee weekend.

doesnt it make you said to know, that life is more than who we are?

friday sucked, we argueddd. after having dinner at chilis. i dont even remember what we argued about. but brien called me a bitch. so i just left and went to redbox and got remember me. took it home, watched half of it and fell asleep. saturday i woke up at like nine to go get jake from the vet, and then take him to my parents house. and i said kim and leo after i dropped him off. they were going to the zoo, and landon is sooo big. then i went home and we drove out to the flea market but forgot that its closed all of october because of the fairr. <333. so we went to petsmart. then dropped Utley off and went back to apex to go shopping. then i already had plans to go to crystals but i had no gas plus brien wasnt going. thenn, we had some huge argument because it seemed like brien didnt want me to hangout with him, tyler, and andy, so whatever, they dropped me off at crystals. and i hungout there all nightt. stephanie, her cousin matt, jenn, damon, larry, matt moore, and janine were there. we pretty much just sat my the fire and drank. and janaine was so obnoxiously drunkk. and it was hilarious. matt e apparently said something and it sounded like he was calling her a whore, adn she flipped out. then me, stephanine, matt e, and matt m all went to waffle houseee. lmao. then brien picked me up from there, pissed for no damn reason? then sunday was football, and brien had tyler, andy, and andys brother so i went to crystals. me, crystal, john, janaine, and matt m went to halloween store, then to sallys. i just sat in the truck with matt and john. while crystal and janaine went in. then we went and ate mexican. and went back to crystals house and played dress up, and watched glee. then monday nicole tried to send me to chrysler, and i really didnt want to. so she sent me anyways just to train the other girl. thats a fuckinggg diaster. this girl really was soo annoying. and i end up staying until 12, then going to switchboard until 2, then i had lunch with matt m at the mall, and then closed honda at 7.. matt order pizza after work, so i picked it up and we all went to crystals and watched dawn of the dead. like the old oneee. hahaha. brien was asleep when i got home.. and now im at chrysler AGAIN answer damn phones...

im really sick of all this drama with my mom. she's constiently hurting my feelings. shes the one who made everyone pick sides, and ultimately i had to go with what was better for me. if i continue to talk to her and what not, or if i cut the ties.. either way its going to hurt me. and i can admit that she isnt worth my time, never was. but its not that easy to just dropp your mom. i'd have to explain myself, not that i owe her any explnation. im pretty sure she owes me one. i dont want her at my wedding, i dont want her helping with anythinggg in my future. as a matter of fact, i'll just write off the her whole side of family. its not like i hear from any of them anyways, thanks for the phone calls on my birthday, when i was in bed all dayyyy because i couldnt fucking walk. or sit. they all mean nothing to me. thats harsh, but i dont miss my mom at all. who would? all i need is my dad, stepmom, and friends. they'll have to keep me going, somehow. although come to think of.. i work wayyy more hours a day than my mother. OH and i work monday through saturday most weeks. OH and i drive a 2010 car, brand newww. OH and im 19 years old and do everything for myself. but my 16 year old sister is amazing, never wanting anything?? working hard for everything. she doesnt work hard, and never has for anything she owns. my uncles just handing her a fucking car. and without and job, how is she going to fill up the gas tank. i worked when i was 15 until now. and that apparently means nothing to my mother. whatever. im tired of trying to please her. because it will NEVER be good enough. and thats sad. really sad. dont blame me for ANY of this, because ive tried my best. and im really tired of trying. your worthless, and the best thing my dad did was leave, because you treated him like shit. and he wasnt good enough for you either, apparently. i shouldnt have to live with this anger. and im not going to.. as soon as i figure out how to do that.

and whats wrong with me and brien. its constant fighting. im sooo sick of arguing with him. maybe once again its my fault? because maybe im not fit for a relationship. i cant be sure. im not sure of anything. i dont know what to do to make myself happier. how ridiculous.. its my own life but i dont know how to make it better. it makes no sense. i dont even know whats making me unhappy. is it brien? is it work? is it me not being in school? i wish i knew.

i talked to christine yesterday, and today. and i feel a lot better.

dont give me options..

don't call me a bitch, that just makes everything worse.

on top of everything this is ridiculous. and I cant even just drive around to relax. because I have no god damn money because of not working for a week and then having to pay fucking AT&T so now I'm just sitting in the Harris teter parking lot. how pathetic. is it really me? the problem is I'm not really even sure. whatever. i guess it's a part of my mother that will never go away. I hatebeing compared to her and I really hate feeling like I'm acting like her. this relationship is so different, but vie stayed the same. maybe that's the fucking problem. but mom is pure evidence that I may never have a decent relationship because my attitude. how do you explain that to someone?

then once I left the house I realized that all my best friends are gone. to college or either we just don't talk anymore. I have no where to go besides my parents house but they are out of town. I've fucked myself. I don't want to be with anyone else, thats obvious. I just seem to have a problem with relationships. I'm not even sure how it's lasted this long.

writing on this thing from my iPhone just hurts my god damn eyes, so fuckkkk it.