i wish i could make up my mind. im mentally, and emotionally drained.

some days are easier than others.

my job isnt horrible ALL the time. when im at honda im fine, or a day like today its nice to be able to just kind of relax at work. last night i got off of work and met chris at the bowling alley. then we drove out to the barn placeee, i went there a longgg time ago to go fishing. but this time he just had to give the horses water and stuff. i guess they pay him to take care of the horses? idk, im not to fond of horses. lmao. after that he wanted to go check on his grandma. so i wasnt sure if i should go in or what? thats kind of awkward meeting his grandma. but i went in and she was sooo cute. she's 93 years old. and she does sudoku all day long, she was telling me how she even made her own. then we liked walked around the house. and its suchhh an old house that i was really cool. he showed me his crx, which id seen pictures of and the motor because when he worked at honda it was in his bay. lmao. then we left there and met his old roomate chase at best buy and we waited until it was almost 10:00PM to go to MOJOES cause burgers are 2 dollars after ten. so i got a burger with chili and cheese and mustarddd. it was soo good.then we were on our way back to best buy and this lady was seriously drunk or something.. she was driving all over the road, curb, and grass. then she like almost didnt stop at the red light, and we she did her head was like bobbinggg all over the place. then she almost hit the grandpa that was driving next to us. chase and chris had me dyinggg laughing about that old women. then we dropped chase of at his car and chris took me back to the bowling alley. and we got to talking as alwayssss, about religion and shitt. then at like 12:10 i headed home. part of me thinks that was a little late, and the another part of me thinks that im an adult and i dont have a curfew. idk? im kind of over talking about it all anyways. i want my space, ALOT. but i know its something that brien isnt used to. its going to take time, hopefully we can work it out? chris is my only friend that hasnt gone off to college. not my only friend, but the only friend that i hangout with. anywaysss, its only thursdayy. DAMN. and i have to work saturday. whateverrr, ballinnnn paycheck.

people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

lets go back to thursdayy. i worked 12-9 at honda, and afterwards me and chris went to play pool for a while. brien was obviously upset about it, but since he said he didnt care i went anyways. i mean, i havent seen chris since me and brien got together. friday morning i woke up with a horribleeee headache. so i didnt go to work. i ended up reading on briens blog about how he was pissed that i went out thursday night. and whatever else. so that pissed me off, because he wouldnt even talk to me about it on thursday and then friday acted as if everything was fine. so after a 40 minute long conversation i left to go hangout with casee to get my mind of everything. i met her in aniger then we went to salsaritas. my dad was upset about the whole thing, and he told me to atleast let brien know i was okay.. even though he passed me and casee on the road.. then dad told me i needed to go home and talk to him. i forgot everything and told him how much i loved him. we ended up going with andy to the moredcai house, and some dorthea dix cemetary. and then got ice cream at goodberrys because we couldnt find the walmart. bahahah. we talked some more once we got home and everything was fine. saturday we just hungout at the house, it was nice and relaxing. then saturday night we went to tonys for my dad and avas birthday. it was a lot of fun, and i was glad that brien finally got to meet ava & j. considering they are a hugee parttt of my life. sunday we went shopping for my dad and grandpas birthday but ended up getting a bunch of stuff for us. hahaa. but we got my dad a giftcard to DICKS for 50 dollars. secondhand lions on dvd cause he loves that damn movie. and some candyyy. and we got my grandpa some golf gloves. we ate at sullivans. and brien saw dwight howard? apparently some really good basketball player or something. whateverrr.

im counting on this week flying by, but either way i have to work on saturday. that blows. and ive been getting badddd headaches. hopefully that really gross sinus rinse will help it out. i was doing it last night and i kept saying " BRIEN LOOK, ITS COMING OUT OF MY OTHER NOSTRIL." hahaha.

you know, a while back when the drama with christine and andy started. brien and i agreed that i should block her and stop reading her blog. those things obviously helped. and not reading her blog is hard, im not really sure why. i guess its just intresting when people you dont know give you so much incite to their life, or maybe my life just isnt interesting enough? im not sure, but once i promised brien that i wouldnt read it anymore. i havent since. but its sooo hard not to remember the things she said about me or brien in it. i never even told brien about the time that she mentioned about her and andy being so close, she also mentioned how he downgraded to me, how i was fat and a slob. and how andy never even knew me. this girl is going to continue to be toxic to our relationship until me and brien sit down and talk about it. i dont necessarily want to talk about her. but i want to know about their relationship. how he felt about it, other than he just hated it. he was obviously hurt at some point. its so hard to explain to him what i mean but i talked to nina about it a little bit and she agreed. she said she understood. and thats another thing. brien told nina that if i brought up christine not to talk about it with me. WHY? is it because he didnt want me bringing this up to him because he didnt want to talk about it. or is it because he is hiding something? i'd like to believe he wasnt hiding something, but who could blame me? i just want to understand his past. if we are going to get married, i dont want any secrets popping up. its important to know about your partners past relationships because he helps your relationships. by seeing the mistakes that were made and what not. its just a difficult situation in general. and really, she beat him up? was that fight that serious? and obviously brien was defenseless, shes a girl. he want going to hit her. WTH? i dont understandddd. i wish it would all just go away, but i cant help thinking about it.

i feel like my time with you is never wasted. i want to be with you forever. but i have to be honest. im scared. scared of you lying. scared of you betraying me. scared of you finding someone new to spend your new life with. scared that all of these is a big lie. scared that im already in too deep. scared that moving in so soon was a mistake. scared that im too young. two years ago was horrible, and i never want to relive it. and i cant get it out of my head. he lied soooo easily and so good, why wouldnt he do it now? it may be that i think too much. or i worry too much. i may be so worried that it starts to effect our relationship. i mean, lets hope not. but can anyone blame me? i dont know. talking to nina about our relationship helped. but nothing else will. except for the fact that my parents have so much faith in him, and so does everyone else at work. and tis mayy be reallyyyy bad for me to say. but sometimes im SOOO jealous of him. because since he's moved here he's gotten everything i wanted. an apartment. a new job, at my dads HONDA. where he has already gotten a raise. he gets a long with my parents better than i do. i feel like he is kind of replacing me. yeah i want him to be their son, but not over shadowing me.. its kind of BITTERSWEET.

i think its safe to say that you cant trust many people these days. im SOOO lucky to have the friends that i have. ive offically given up on people like andy. i know him and brien go way back. but how many times has he betrayed brien, and me? i know that andy was lying to. and then had the nerve to come over and say sorry. maybe its because i never really knew andy very much? but i just dont exactly see someone i can trust. and now briens parents have come down for the weekend he is soo upset that no one told him they were coming. and that he didnt get to meet them, or show them around. stoppppp. no one cares, seriously. they werent even here long enough to see us barely, much less you. and after all your drama they think NOTHING of you. your really on my last nerve.

yesterday i talked to chuck, he was on vacation last week tuesday - friday. so i called him and he said i hate to tell you that we hired someone else. he said he would make me a deal.. PSHH. next job that comes avaliable he will call me first. then he had the nerve to say " IS THAT OKAY? " ummm i guess it has to be? so after talking to stephaniee. i found out that the new guy started LAST WEEK. which means not only did he give me the run around, but he also lied to me. so ive kind of given up on leith inc. im not to fond of the management. i talked to dad and he said he would mention to teresa bays that i was intrested in moving. he said something about receptionist at honda, which would be okay because the phones there are SUPER busy and i would probably have an increase in pay! but im just waiting it out. hopefully things will work out for the best. i should have taken the warranty job at nissan a longgg time ago when danny offered it to me. but atleast i learned. and now ive have tons of experience under my belt.

monday i left work early because i felt sooo bad. i went home made me some soup and grilled cheese and then slept until 730? then brien came in and laid with me and i went back to sleep at like 1030. then yesterday i didnt get off work until 700PM so once i got home i just made me an egg sanwich and laid in bed until TEENMOM, and i could barely stay awake so as soon as it was over i crashed.

baby be honest, is this what you wanted?

is already monday, and i feel like shit. me and brien didnt go to bed until like 2AM last night. friday briens parents and nina drove here for new jerseyy. its only supposed to take 7 hours, but traffic was sooo bad it took them 12. so once they finally got here they went to their hotel and then met at the apartment. and they actually got there the same time i did. so we had DOMINOS, and my hunnyyy got me cinna stix ! just walked around the neighborhood a little. then his parents went back to the hotel and nina stayed with us. so we went to wal-mart and sunni skies. saturday morning one of the other floaters at work called me at 8:15 in the morning for NO DAMN REASON. i mean really. her question was dumb, and didnt matter. so then we went to downtown raleigh with his parents. showed them the capitol building, and had lunch at The Oxkford. its was really good. then we went backk, i took a little nap. haaa. then we went over to my parents house. i was a little nervous, but everything was finee. they hit it off really quickly. we had a reallyyy good dinner cause im dad can fuckinnn cook. hahaha. then we sat on the patio and talked. my dad was riding nina a little bit about the whole get a job thing and then it made me really upset because i was thinking about my mom and how i wish i had a mom like nina does. plus everyonee was giving brien hell about having four mikes hard lemonades and being drunkkk. hahaa. we all left around 1130. went home and went to bed.  but i was like briennn can you please make me some ceareal. and i told him to fill the bowl with cereal but i wanted 3/4'S MILKK. he filled the milk all the way to them topp. so of course being in bed i spilt some milk on briens blankettt. hahaha. he was so mad. then sunday morning i woke up and i really just wantedd some of the reeses chips ahoy cookies, so he brought me some :) thatt boy is one of a kindd. so then sunday we went to the meseum of life and science in durham. and brien and i went last weekend, but i still had SOOO much fun. we got to hold butterfliess! and then brien came out when we were leaving and said he bought us all surprizes and he gave me a little ladybug :)!! it was sooo cute. we had to cut it a little short, because i had to go babysit. so me and nina went over to watch gianna. but since we had some extra time we figured we would go by mcdonalds and get me a tea and her that frappe thing she alwayss drinks. soo i pull up and WAIT, AND WAIT. and someone plus up in the second lane beside me and he answers them. so that pissed me off. then i was giving him my order and i said EXTRA ICE three timesss. and he never put it on the screen. so ninas like laughinggg so hard and i speed around the corner. and im like, did you get extra ice because it didnt come up one the screen and he said " UMMM, EXTRA ICE? " and just closed the window.. so ninas crackinggg up and i just waited, and waited, and he finally said " ummm you gave me the money so youu good " EXCUSE ME? " wthhh? so we just drove off and ended up being 5 minutes late. brien brought us some penne ella vodka from daniels. SOOO GOOD. we left at like 1030? then drove around for probably 45 minutes just talkinggg. i had to get soo much off my chest. and nina was so easy to talk to because briens her brotherrr. we got home and brien was alseep but he woke up and we talked for like an hour and a half. this morning nina and her parents left to go back to new jersey, which sucksss. i wish they lived here.

does it really make me that bad of a person? all i want is to have briens parents and my parents together without any stress, or worries. i didnt tell my mom or my sister for a reason. i dont want my sister there because she makes me feel on edge and uncomfortable all the time. since there wouldnt be much attention on her she would be pissed anyways and cause a scene. and i reallyyy dont want my mom knowing. i dont want her to ask to meet them. especially her and her boyfrienddd Demetruissss. jesus christ. its all just too much to handle. as far as my in-laws know aprils my mom, and my dad is my dad. and we'll leave it at that as long as we can.
its simple, and simple is good.

after the disagreement tuesday it made me realize how much brien really doesnt know about my past, about my mother, about my grandparents, and about why i am the way i am today. sure, for some reason he only sees the good things about me. but once in a while, for instance, tuesday night.. he'll see a different side of me. i blame it on all those years i lived with my mother and her issues. my mother was SOO angry at herself, and the situation SHE put HERSELF in. and she was fine, until something triggered her anger, and it was all down hill from there. she never beat me, but she came close. and sometimes i think verbal abuse is a lot worse than anything else. yelling, screaming, fighting, throwing things, locking me in my bedroom or locking herself in her bedroom. none of those things were the right way to handle anything. and even though i know that. its like some instinct i have just to get angry and scream and fight. i HATE it. but its like i cant control it. anyone who knows me, knows i want to be NOTHING like my mother. its just going to take some time. she really needed therapy or something. when something as small as not putting a coaster underneath a drink can result in kicking your daughter out, theres something wrong. but im doing  a lot better than i used to. i used to worry about my mother and sister all the time, but ive realized theres nothing i can do for them. same goes with my grandma. god only knows what i did that was so wrong, but i can only imagine my mothers told her how bad of  child i really was. if only she lived closer, or called more often. or ATTEMPTED to come to my graduation. then i might give a fuckkkk. but thankkk god you kicked me out. because it got me to where i am now. and i love my lifeee. but theres still a lot of things that i will never forgive you for. and i'll always be angry at you. but i just have to let go, because theres nothing else i can do. so i'm giving up.

I COMPARE THINGS TOO MUCH.

yesturday kristyn came to my work so we could have lunch. i brought my lunch so we just ate at work and stuff. she's hopefully getting a new job which is really exciting for her. she's trying to start everything over, kudos on that. after work i went home and made chicken, potatoes, and green beans. when caroline got there were taking apart the tv stand and put it back together for the second time, and one of the shelves was backwards. so we had to take it apart again, and put it back together for a third time. caroline had dinner with me and brien. then briens mom called and asked me what she should wear saturday, and what she should bring and everything. she talked to me for like 20 minutes. cutest lady everrr. and im really glad that she feels like she can call me like that. i mean my dad does that with brien, so its nice for us to have that relationship. plus, shes one more mother figure. and she treats me like her daughter. kind of like when were in atlantic city and she was getting brien and nina something, she was like " pick something out, im getting them stuff!" haha. i really didnt want anything but it makes me feel really good when she offers like that. i want to feel like her daughter. <33.  anyways, after i talked to her me and caroline went to walmart to get hair dye. of course it took us foreverrr to find the one we wanted so i was like sitting on the floor waiting for her to decide. hahaa. then on the way home we were talking about brien proposing and me getting married. it gives me chills. i really cant wait, its going to be incredible. and if her did it when his parents were down here, im sure they would love that. well atleast his mom would. so we got hair dye everywhereee. thank god it came up. my hair turned out niceeee. a little bit darker and a good amount of aubrun in it. i cant explain it, but i like it. but i didnt get any laundryyy done last night. so tonight i have to clean, do lundry and all that crap. cause the in-laws are comingggg tomorrow !!

i just wrote this HUGE email to brien, and i clicked send and everything was erased. but i feel much better, i guess because i got it off my chest? HA.

yesterday i texted briens mom to see if there as anything she needed, or that we should get when they come down this weekend. we got to talking and she said she was worried about brien. because he was stressed about bills. i told her i knew he was, but he wouldnt let me pay. and she made it sound like she thought we had been spliting rent. so i got upset, and embarrased because i thought she knew, and i didnt want her thinking i wasnt responsible. she sounded like she was angry with me. but brien called her, and cleared everything up and she texted me back saying she wasnt mad or anything. but it just upset me, because me and brien JUSTTT talked about this last week. i care a lot about briens parents, and a lot about what they think of me. i try to do my part for the apartment. as much as brien will let me. i work hard for a reason, and i dont want people looking down on me because i dont pay rent. i like to think that i make it up in other ways.. like furniture, or grocerys. or cooking dinner. ANYWAYS, we had dinner at salsaritas <3333 loveee their nachos. then we went by walmart to get a new trashcan that was bigger and had a lid. so we ended up getting a new trashcan. PLUS i bought a new tv stand that wy our end table can go beside the couch like its supposed to. i got a little bottle like briens cause ive been using his, but i got it for $1.00 :) and brien got me a cute little pink lunch box for when i take my lunch to work. he said he was tired of my damn BAHAMA BREEZE bag. haha. i started laundry, and started trying to build that new tv stand before TEENMOM came on! haaa. so brien waas convinced that i couldnt do it so i let him do it, while i watched teenmom. well, guess who ended up putting it together.. ME. once it was all together.. i was already in  bad mood because i hit my knee on the corner and it was taking so damn long to build that thing. but we moved it over and put the tv on it.. and two of the shelfs are facing the wrong wayyyyy. so the rw wood part shows. LMAO. i was SOOO mad. so i started cleaning up stuff.. and just being mad. and of course since i was mad i didnt feel like talking which pisses brien off. and when he begs me to tell him whats wrong.. i snap.
but tonight im going to take that tv stand apart.. and rebuild it. ONLY because my in-laws are coming..

the link to my old blog is on the side, incase you need to catch up :)

yesterday i left work early for my OBGYN appointment. EW. after i left there i went to see april at work. some young guy from enterprise was talking to us and when he left to go home april said " he has a nice butt ! i stare at his legs ALL DAY. " HAA. so then i came home and like immediately went to sleep? i didnt even know i was tired. but i woke up around 9:30. briens nosey ass was on the patio. apparently some guy in our aprtment complex like threw his girlfriend out and they were all fighting in the street or something? IDK? i slept through it all. then we watched LIZARD LICK, like always. and then went right back to bed. and i could here some assholes outside being loud with their fuckinn car so i just stood on the patio and stared. then brien said what are you doing? i said trying to get those ASSHOLES TO SHUT THE HELL UP. really loud. haha..  and this morning it was so hard to wake up.. after i slept that much.

BRIENS PARENTS ARE COMING ON FRIDY <3

MONDAY, AUGUST 9TH

having the weekend off was amazing. friday night i had dinner with mikey and sarah and brien. we had TGI fridays. but i was reallyyy tired and bitchy because i worked 11 and a half hours on friday. cause i didnt take a lunch, plus u was there until 7:00pm. so after dinner, i went home and went to bed. haaa. saturday morning brien and i decided to go to the meuseum of life and science in durham. just to get out for a day. its was sooo much fun. we went all through the museum, got in a space ship. then we thought the door didnt lead outside so we walkedd alll the way back through and as i was walking brien said " OHHH, ALLISON LOOK A SNAKE " so i turned my head left and there was a snake right beside my are. some lady was like showing it to everyone but i was scared to death. so brien pet it. i just stood awayy. hahaha. then we walked through a little train car thing. had lunch and the little cafe. then we went through the butterfly thing where the butterflies just fly around and land on you and stuff. and we saw a butterfly like hatch? out of a cocoon. but he got stuck so some guy tried to help him out and the butterfly like fell and like smashed on the ground.. LMAO. then we walked down the dinosuar trail, which was really cool and the dinosuars were HUGEE. then we walked around to see the black bearss, and a fox or something. the bears were cute thoughhh cause they were running around and stuff. it was actually better than the ZOO because they had a few cameras that you could use to zoom in on the animals and stuff. then we went to the gift shop and got ASTRONUAT ICE CREAM !! and lollipops with crickets in them !! haha. we got two for my parents. afterwards we went to get alicias birthday presentt. then went to my parents house to have dinner. Mike & Holly and their new baby NATHAN came over so we all cookout. after we were done eating and stuff we were just hanging out on the back patio and the neighbors that live behind my dads house.. they walked around naked with their blinds open. we watched them have sex for like 15 MIN. LMAOO. awkward. and my dad said some really sweet things to brien !! i cant wait for his parents to come down next weekend. sunday was cleaning dayy. then we got ready and went to crabtree to eat at the cheesecake factory for ALICIAS birthday! we all wore spongebob hats, and sarah and caroline got alicia a vibrator for her birthdayyy. hahaha. dumbass. then i got brien some cheesecake, and we went grocery shopping at like 11:00PM. i always pay for grocerys, and this time they were $120.00. DAMNNNN.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE;
i can see how much brien loves, and cares for me. the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, and the way he treats me. he's INCREDIBLE. i couldnt ask for anything better. but sometimes i feel like maybe he gives more than i give. and i know thats how derek and i were, except i was the giver. so i dont want brien to ever feel that way. i love him sooo much, its such a different feeling than ive ever had. he makes me truly happy. i could never ask for more than HAPPINESS.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5TH

out with the old, in with the new.

 wednesdays argument between brien and i somewhat carried over to thursday. wednesday i just wanted to go out to eat once i got off work. so i texted brien i see if he wanted to go, and he says " im trying to save up money for all the bills that are due on friday. so lets go friday since its payday " i understand he has bills to pay BUT i work, so i offered to pay. but he doesnt want that. i understand he doesnt want me to pay, but why should i even work if i cant go out and do things like that. so of course it upset me, so i took like an hour name, and then finally made me something to eat and watched lifetime. if you want to pay the bills, GREAT. but let me do something once in a while. it just upset me. but since im working in cary, i went over to honda yesterday for lunch and we talked someone, and i talked to my dad so everything was fine. my dad pretty much said thats one of the things he likes about brien, and that i should just give it sometime. so last night i decided to have dinner with my parents. so of course brien said he didnt want to go. my dad threw a fit about how brien was part of the family, and he cared about him and BLAH BLAH. so we all ended up going to andys for dinner, which wasnt th ebest ever, and some bug kept flying towards me, pissing me off. afterwards we all went to walmart. once me and brien got home, i finished up one of our youtube videos. all this youtube crap is so much fun. and now brien wants to do some blog tv thing, which sounds like a lot of fun!