does it really make me that bad of a person? all i want is to have briens parents and my parents together without any stress, or worries. i didnt tell my mom or my sister for a reason. i dont want my sister there because she makes me feel on edge and uncomfortable all the time. since there wouldnt be much attention on her she would be pissed anyways and cause a scene. and i reallyyy dont want my mom knowing. i dont want her to ask to meet them. especially her and her boyfrienddd Demetruissss. jesus christ. its all just too much to handle. as far as my in-laws know aprils my mom, and my dad is my dad. and we'll leave it at that as long as we can.
its simple, and simple is good.

after the disagreement tuesday it made me realize how much brien really doesnt know about my past, about my mother, about my grandparents, and about why i am the way i am today. sure, for some reason he only sees the good things about me. but once in a while, for instance, tuesday night.. he'll see a different side of me. i blame it on all those years i lived with my mother and her issues. my mother was SOO angry at herself, and the situation SHE put HERSELF in. and she was fine, until something triggered her anger, and it was all down hill from there. she never beat me, but she came close. and sometimes i think verbal abuse is a lot worse than anything else. yelling, screaming, fighting, throwing things, locking me in my bedroom or locking herself in her bedroom. none of those things were the right way to handle anything. and even though i know that. its like some instinct i have just to get angry and scream and fight. i HATE it. but its like i cant control it. anyone who knows me, knows i want to be NOTHING like my mother. its just going to take some time. she really needed therapy or something. when something as small as not putting a coaster underneath a drink can result in kicking your daughter out, theres something wrong. but im doing  a lot better than i used to. i used to worry about my mother and sister all the time, but ive realized theres nothing i can do for them. same goes with my grandma. god only knows what i did that was so wrong, but i can only imagine my mothers told her how bad of  child i really was. if only she lived closer, or called more often. or ATTEMPTED to come to my graduation. then i might give a fuckkkk. but thankkk god you kicked me out. because it got me to where i am now. and i love my lifeee. but theres still a lot of things that i will never forgive you for. and i'll always be angry at you. but i just have to let go, because theres nothing else i can do. so i'm giving up.

I COMPARE THINGS TOO MUCH.

yesturday kristyn came to my work so we could have lunch. i brought my lunch so we just ate at work and stuff. she's hopefully getting a new job which is really exciting for her. she's trying to start everything over, kudos on that. after work i went home and made chicken, potatoes, and green beans. when caroline got there were taking apart the tv stand and put it back together for the second time, and one of the shelves was backwards. so we had to take it apart again, and put it back together for a third time. caroline had dinner with me and brien. then briens mom called and asked me what she should wear saturday, and what she should bring and everything. she talked to me for like 20 minutes. cutest lady everrr. and im really glad that she feels like she can call me like that. i mean my dad does that with brien, so its nice for us to have that relationship. plus, shes one more mother figure. and she treats me like her daughter. kind of like when were in atlantic city and she was getting brien and nina something, she was like " pick something out, im getting them stuff!" haha. i really didnt want anything but it makes me feel really good when she offers like that. i want to feel like her daughter. <33.  anyways, after i talked to her me and caroline went to walmart to get hair dye. of course it took us foreverrr to find the one we wanted so i was like sitting on the floor waiting for her to decide. hahaa. then on the way home we were talking about brien proposing and me getting married. it gives me chills. i really cant wait, its going to be incredible. and if her did it when his parents were down here, im sure they would love that. well atleast his mom would. so we got hair dye everywhereee. thank god it came up. my hair turned out niceeee. a little bit darker and a good amount of aubrun in it. i cant explain it, but i like it. but i didnt get any laundryyy done last night. so tonight i have to clean, do lundry and all that crap. cause the in-laws are comingggg tomorrow !!