you know, a while back when the drama with christine and andy started. brien and i agreed that i should block her and stop reading her blog. those things obviously helped. and not reading her blog is hard, im not really sure why. i guess its just intresting when people you dont know give you so much incite to their life, or maybe my life just isnt interesting enough? im not sure, but once i promised brien that i wouldnt read it anymore. i havent since. but its sooo hard not to remember the things she said about me or brien in it. i never even told brien about the time that she mentioned about her and andy being so close, she also mentioned how he downgraded to me, how i was fat and a slob. and how andy never even knew me. this girl is going to continue to be toxic to our relationship until me and brien sit down and talk about it. i dont necessarily want to talk about her. but i want to know about their relationship. how he felt about it, other than he just hated it. he was obviously hurt at some point. its so hard to explain to him what i mean but i talked to nina about it a little bit and she agreed. she said she understood. and thats another thing. brien told nina that if i brought up christine not to talk about it with me. WHY? is it because he didnt want me bringing this up to him because he didnt want to talk about it. or is it because he is hiding something? i'd like to believe he wasnt hiding something, but who could blame me? i just want to understand his past. if we are going to get married, i dont want any secrets popping up. its important to know about your partners past relationships because he helps your relationships. by seeing the mistakes that were made and what not. its just a difficult situation in general. and really, she beat him up? was that fight that serious? and obviously brien was defenseless, shes a girl. he want going to hit her. WTH? i dont understandddd. i wish it would all just go away, but i cant help thinking about it.

i feel like my time with you is never wasted. i want to be with you forever. but i have to be honest. im scared. scared of you lying. scared of you betraying me. scared of you finding someone new to spend your new life with. scared that all of these is a big lie. scared that im already in too deep. scared that moving in so soon was a mistake. scared that im too young. two years ago was horrible, and i never want to relive it. and i cant get it out of my head. he lied soooo easily and so good, why wouldnt he do it now? it may be that i think too much. or i worry too much. i may be so worried that it starts to effect our relationship. i mean, lets hope not. but can anyone blame me? i dont know. talking to nina about our relationship helped. but nothing else will. except for the fact that my parents have so much faith in him, and so does everyone else at work. and tis mayy be reallyyyy bad for me to say. but sometimes im SOOO jealous of him. because since he's moved here he's gotten everything i wanted. an apartment. a new job, at my dads HONDA. where he has already gotten a raise. he gets a long with my parents better than i do. i feel like he is kind of replacing me. yeah i want him to be their son, but not over shadowing me.. its kind of BITTERSWEET.