i wish i could say that everything is better, but we all know that will never happen. nothing could make EVERYTHING better.  i still cant get a grip on my anxiety and depression, which makes me feel like i never will. and it seems like im running in circles with everything.. work, relationship.. never going anywhere.

so today when i get home im like extremely relieved to find that no one is home. i was alone! for about 3 minutes.. in comes BJ so i just ignore him and keep feeding the dogs. then he says something about is probation officer just brought him home and so i just ignored it.. well i find out later from matt that his probation officer has to come into MY house to check HIS room.. WHATTTTT.

this makes me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable and PISSED. i am sooooo angryyy.

i hate that i never have time to write in this thing anymore, because i think it had a lot to do with my anxiety. when i had somewhere to put my feelings rather than just holding them inside. i am so angry all the time, it really cant be healthy. most of my anger comes from the fact that BJ has completely moved in to my house and like taken over. i cant stress enough how bad it is for matt and i's relationship. i am trying to keep my cool, but it is VERY hard. and i find myself just getting more and more angry everyday. so angry that i dont even want to go home. you keep saying that its OUR house, well act like it.
the past weekend sucked. i did inventory at work friday night until like 10PM then saturday worked 7AM to 4PM. left work and went to my dads house. he cooked us filet mignonnn. ate dinner then i fell asleep on the couch for like 2 hours. then we went home and pretty much went to sleep. april gave me some more clothes so i went through those. i didnt want to go to bed so early because we actually got to have some time alone since bj wasnt there. sunday i was so happy to wake up and it just be matt and i at home. i had so much to do but i just wanted to lay on the couch and watch what i wanted to on the big tv. whatever, i enjoyed just relaxing in the living room.

so a few weekends ago i commited myself to going to gay pride in durham and then going to stephanies party that night. so saturady morning crystal met me and my house and i drove to durham. only to end up standing in the pouring rain. we missed the parade completely and ended up just driving back to stephs house. ate some lunch and just hung out. that night quite a few people ended up coming to the party. it was a lot of fun until john busted up in the door demanding to know where is wife was. BUZZ KILL. they ended up fighting for like 30 min. steph asked her to leave and she didnt.. and then she ruined one of dianes dresses. needless to say its was a really fun night until all that happened. the next morning i drove me and crystal back to my house so she could get her car and then i drove over to larrys moms house to have breakfast. HUNGOVER AS HELL. wahhhh.

work has been so frustrating lately. when we moved into the new building i was promised a position writing express service. that was a position he said i deserved.. almost three months later and i am still sitting behind the receptionist desk. doing the SAME thing. i understand that i should have patience but he promised me a job. i need MORE MONEY. im tired of being broke all the time. i applied for some part time jobs. chuck said he can give me more hours.. which is great. but give me a raise.. im struggling here OBVIOUSLY. and no one understandS why im so upset. i cant ever get ahead and it sucks. not to mention i learned to dispatch.. so now lets see.. i can cashier, write service, answer phones, and dispatch. WHOSE JOB CANT I DO. the only thing i cant do is work on the actual car, and im pretty sure they could train me to do that considering they will train anyone. so why am i like the lowest paid person here.. when i can do ANYONEs job. that makes no sense to me. i feel like i am being used, but i dont know what else to do.

matt and I obviously have different goals. I want to get married. Why is this not a common goal. Someone help me understand.


Anyways. My birthday was awesome. I got my tattoo Friday night. Then Saturday Matt got a new truck. Afterwards we went to eat dinner at south point and we went shopping after dinner. Sunday we had my party at marts moms house. So many people came, it was so much fun. Except I drank too much wine and was asleep by like 8:30. Hahaha.

Last night I got my hair cut to my shoulders. Woww. But whatever it will grow backkk. And tonight kenia and I are cooking spaghetti and watching jersey shore.

do you know what it feels like to hate EVERYTHING.
to hate everything around you. every person, every attitude, your job, your house, your situation. does anyone on earth know what that feels like. you dont want to. its something you cant control. you just have this negative attitude towards everything and everyone. everything thing makes you mad or upset. and you just feel like giving up. because giving up would be so much easier. but then you realize that you cant give up because that would effect everyone around you and that would be unfair. but your torn.. because who cares? its like your at a crossroads.. except for the fact that both ways is a train wreck. no one will ever understand. its like i am fighting myself all day everyday and tears could pour out at anytime.

its a constant battle, and im tired of fighting it.
it feels like im drowning, and no one can find a life jacket.

i think the worst part is that the people that are most important to me dont understand. all i hear is change your attitude, or dont let it bother you. or im tired of hearing you cry and whine. seriously? you have a lot of nerve.

I've neglected this thing.

summing up like the past month. I still have my foster dog Annie. We got an ipad. I started doing all the Internet stuff for d-sass. I learned to dispatch at work, so I'm starting to work a few saturdays. Bj turned himself into rehab and somehow eneded up living with us.. which I am not very hppy about. and im still working the job I hate sitting beside a person that i hate. I got a root canal done last week and my jaw is still sore. Ahhhh :(

Since I've been so busy with everything I wish I could just find a home for Annie because I don't have time for this foster shit anymore. I have too much on my plate.. And trying to go or get her to an event every Saturday sucks. I just have too much going on.

When bj turned himself in Matt said he was just coming to stay on the couch for 3 days.. Somehow that turned into moving into the spare bedroom. I HATE it. Once again Matt and I don't have any alone time. I can't find anything in my kitchen. And I can never be alone. It's miserable. I thought Matt and I were finally settling down.. And then here comes bj. How many chances are you going to give someone seriously? I'm so sick of not having any say in anything. Call me selfish.. Whatever.

I'm miserable.

wilddd weekend.

friday i got off work and went straight home. my foster dog was delivered! she is precious. her name is Annie. They brought lots of food, some toys, a crate and bowls and stuff for her. Her and Roxy are having some trouble getting along sometimes. but for the most parts it good. then matt got home and the time warner people came. they didnt fix anything though.. soon after i was in bed. saturday morning i had to work at 7am! since we are moving to the new building next weekend.. crystal and i had lots of files to move! we didnt stop until 4:40PM. we were sooo tiredd. so i went home and just laid on he couch. went over to crystals for a while but i was just too sore and too tired to stay.

matt and larry got up at like 3 in the morning to go get some stupid boat from south carolina. i didnt wake up until like 10:30AM and crystal was ringing my doorbell over and over. so we went out to get some food. we drove around foreverrr then finally decided on Yong Feu Lous. then we went to the dollar tree, and went to some witch like store.. i forget what its called. so then we drove around forever trying to find a good will. and once we did i had to poop soooo bad. so i blew up the bathroom in wendys! HOLLA. hahaha. so after that i went home and just watched tv. then at 11:30PM i was letting the dogs inside and Annie (my foster dog) came inside very slowly and her mouth was extremely swollen. so i woke matt up and he said she probably just licked a frog... but either way to took her to the emergency pet doctor but i couldnt get up with anyone from the foster place. they took her in and said he was bitten by a snakee. yikes.. i finally got up with someone from the humane society and they paid for the treatment and stuff. i had to leave Annie over night.. but i didnt get home until like 3:30AM. so now i am extremely tired.

To dream about sex with someone other than your spouse or significant other, suggests dissatisfaction with the physical side of your relationship. On the other hand, it may be harmless fantasy. In such situations, you may find that you are less inhibited sexually. Perhaps you need to bring the same sense of adventure into your existing relationship.

that dream was weird. i never had sex with anyone, but it was still weird. ohh and that explanation up there pretty much just says "you're horny" hahahhaa.

i had a weirddd dream last night. i was out at some like campsite and there were picnic tables and i was on the phone with matt except i had a bluetooth on.. and he was like i really need to tell you something.. and i remember feeling really nervous and then he started talking and it got really loud around me and the phone was breaking in and out and i was so mad because i couldnt hear anything he was saying. and then we got disconnected and i took the bluetooth off and like threw it.

To dream that you are having a telephone conversation with someone your know,  signifies an issue that you need to confront with that person. This issue may have to do with letting go some part of yourself. If  you are put on hold, then the dream is a metaphor for being taken for granted or being unable to freely express yourself.

either wayy, last night when i got off work i drove to crabtree. i got a bathing suit from belk and then met alicia and cam in hallmark. then me, alicia, cam, mikey, matt, and caroline all ate at the cheesecake factory! and it took like foreverrr. but it was sooo good. then we came home and i read some of midnight sun and then went to bed.

all these post secrets explain better than my words can.

i wish i could learn this.

 planking.

i guess my anxeity and depression is getting better. who knows. i cant tell for myself. only the people around me can tell. who really knows how to control it? maybe the medicine will help?

so 32 days until vacation. thank god. saturday night i had a little get together at the house. we made hamburgers, pasta salad, fires, and jalapeno poppers. it was a lot of fun. oh and crystal nieto has started to downward spiral. shes missed so much work. and got in a fight with crystal stanley so stanley slapped her. hahaa. good times. fourth of july was well spent. a good weekend until my anxiety hit.

work isnt really getting better or worse. im just going to work and doing my thing. keeping myself busy. its all i really can do i guess.

oh and i had a dream about my wedding. i was signing autographs it was weirdd!

To wear a wedding dress in your dream, indicates that you are evaluating and assessing your personal relationship.



To dream of a marriage, signifies commitment, harmony or transitions. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life.  The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself.  In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

 To dream that someone is asking for your autograph, suggests that you are giving your consent or approval to someone. 

To see and hear rain falling, symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning from your troubles and problems.

i'm not trying to be hard to get along with. i wish i knew what was wrong so i could fix it. i feel like im sick, and i feel like ive been sick for a long time. everyone always wants to help but there is nothing they can do. i just feel like im unhappy with everything. i have no money ever. i dont even have enough money to pay the bills that i have. i work so much harder than a lot of people and i get nothing for it. my boss hates me because of my dad. my friends are far away. and the friends that i do have around never want to go out and do anything. im tired all the time. my house is a mess. everything is wrong. and thats as far as my complant goes. because i dont know anything more.

i cried myself to sleep last night.

why does it feel like everyone else always gets what they want. all i was is to get married and have a kid. but why is that? is it because it will make me feel like im actually worth something? because if i have a child it will finally be like i mean something to someone. someone on this planet will actually need me. i think i thrive off of the feeling of bring needed. and im pretty sure thats not a good trait to have. actually none of my traits are good.


ahhhh.

saturday night i came very close to getting a tattoo.. then i chickened out, and the i regreted it. i still wish i would have went through with it.



i swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun

what the hell is my problem?

my dreams are getting the best of me. im tired of dreaming about jarrod. its exhausting. its hard for me to sleep at night, and even harder for me to wake up in the morning. so this morning on my way to work i called Ava. just to talk to her about it. she is deffently on the same page but theres nothing either of us can do about it. its sad. plus i miss ava. i should call her more often.

my dream last night was extra ridiculous.
first of all derek was there. and we went to some convience store that appartently had been robbed but we just took stuff and left. and then these other people were in there and they got arrested for breaking in.. but me and derek got away. and then did the dirty in the car? WTH. then i dont know where i was but jarrod called! and i was like really excited and he said he was sorry. blah blah. so then we hungout. and then i was at work and me and kenia saw like this scary guys in mask come in to the parts counter. and i stood there with my purse thinking.. i dont want to just leave on the clock i guess i will wait until they actualluy start to rob us or something. then i ran away and ended up like in a back room with jenna lee who i went to high school with and then steve from work.. and a guy with a gun came in and was like steve, what do you want out of life. and steve said i know what i want. so i tried to like scoot out the door but as soon as i was out of there door i heard him say shes gonna die and i dropped my wallet. so i reached back for it and there was a gun in my face. and thats when i woke up. INTENSE dreammmm. yikes.

i'm not the answer to the questions that you still have.

where do i start? Larry moved out, and its like heaven. i love it. its nice to be alone with matt all the time. i guess im an attention hog, actually i know i am. i like to have all of matts attention, but hey whats wrong with that? i had a dream about matt and nikki last night? and we were all going somewhere and she was trying to get in the front seat while matt was driving. and i was like ummm, i need to sit in the front because if not i get really car sick. and she was like no, i wanted to sit in the front with matt. so i got mad, and just told her no i was siting there. hahaha. i have the weirdest dreams. there was another part about us all hanging out, but i cant rememeber it now.

last night we watched crash, also again it was very nice to watch it alone with no interuptions. :) i think i might go by redbox and rent a movie just because i enjoyed it so much! haha. anyways, like everyone in the movie was really racist. i guess the point of the movie was to teach that everyone is the same. whatever.

i think im going to stop taking my birth control. it fucks me up big time. im on my period again for like the 3 time this month. seriously. im still taking it now, but im going to talk to matt about it. and it was deff. supposed to be 87 today.. im wearing capris and its seriously chilly out there. ahhhhh. im ready for summer, the lake, the beach, the sun, and WARM WEATHER.

let see. not this past weekend but the weekend before that. (april 2nd) i left work early on friday because alicia, sarah, and caroline were supposed to be meeting me at my work at 4. turns out it was just caroline, and alicia. either way we stopped at best buy then headed toward salisbury to watch mikey in Hairspray! he did sooo good. i enjoyed it a lot. afterwards we went to some cast member party at some guys house. played some serious ping pong and met this guy that mikey has apparently been flirting with. so cute! haha, but we left early and just drove around for a while. it was so nice having everyone backkk together. saturday we had lunch at some cafe fro lunch, yum. then walked around the town. me, alicia, and caroline drove back. got alicias car then went to carolines apartment to take showers and get ready for dinner with some peopleeeee. we ate dinner at noodles and company but caroline kept getting up and going to the bathroom.. so i checked on her and she was like peeing blood. so we ended up going to the emergency room.. while we were there waiting on caroline ray scott like aprang his ankle while he was playing basketball. so he was there to. we left, ate mcdonalds, then just hungout for a while. sunday we all went to ihop, the to the readers corner. and like i said, i forgot how much i like to read. that weekend was so relaxing and SO much fun. i deff. pissed sarah off because i confronted her about why she wasnt with us that weekend. its just the truth, and no one else will tell her.. ohhh well? she'll figure it out one day. ive NEVER made my best friends second. theyve been there for me from the beginning when no one else was. and soon she is going to lose everything she had for some really shitty friends. that wont back her up like we all used to. once she realizes that, she going to have already done way to much damage to us. its sad.

IM ALREADYY TORN.

i'm not going to lie. i dont understand why im frustrated. actually i kind of do. it goes back to that whole, "i care if ANYONE is mad at me, no matter what their relationship with me is." im in between a rock and a hard place. matt makes me feel like he takes my side, but if me and larry sat down and talked about it.. there is no way matt would stand up for me against larry. which is pretty shitty considering he keeps telling me im right. also, this is not work drama. please leave it at home. this job is important to me. im an adult, and i like for people to see me as an adult. and thats exactly why when people come to me about the shit larry is saying, i respond with theres nothing to talk about, or its no ones business. what did i do that was so bad? try to keep a clean house, or get tired of cleaning up after larry? if its me that needs to move, so be it. im gone. but i pay money just like larry does. i deserve just as much as he does. im here to stay as long as matt wants me to stay.
 sidenote, that tuna sandwich and banana i had for lunch are NOT cutting it. hollaaa.

IVE NEVER HEARD SILENCE QUITE THIS LOUD

i just remembered one of the dreams i had like two weeks ago. chris goldston was in it and we were both technicans in the shop. and a really hot women was like our shop forman. and she kept saying that if chris' cheeks got any redder then he would need to go home because he was sick. and i was like thinking to myself that his cheeks are always red. idk, weird.

im having such a good day, even though it started off badly. i told matt a million times to put the dog in the krate when he goes to bed. guess what i woke up to this morning, PEE IN THE BED. i was irate. i mean seriously? i refuse to change the sheets.

i feel like it should be friday. today im making a list of all the new things we need to buy for the house. i figure if we start buying now we can build it all up by the time that we have time to work on it. aka, when larry moves out. which is like april, and i cant wait. but that makes sense right? when we have some extra money here and there, we can use it towards things for the house. HOLLA.

OH and i wanna see taylor swift in concert. <33333333

to hell with you and all your friendddds.

fuckkkkk. i wish i could remember my dreams. i hate when i wake up and tell my self to rememeber and later i cant. oh well. how about the other night i stopped at the walmart gas station to get cigarettes. and while im standing in line this awkward guys comes up and he is like  " they get pretty busy here dont they" and im like yahhh. so then hes like. how was your day? ummm fine. and he was hitting on me. and then he touched me AHHHHH i hate that shitt, you dont know me. so weird. he looked like he was on meth or something. gross.

me and matt got in a fight last night. sucks, but i was just trying to tell him how i feel. whatever, some people talk about their feelings AND SOME PEOPLE CRY. its called having emotions, or feelings. so appartantly its a promblem that i cry. whatever. so i took a drive. i had when i get headaches before i go to sleep, because they carry over to the next day. suckageee.

so much for eating healthy, matt just brought me breakfast.

my dreams have been extremely weird latelyyyy. a couple nights ago i had a dream about jarrod. it was reallhy weird. all i really remember is we were like swimming together, and he was holding me. i was like please dont do this again. everytime i call you never call back and we never hangout out. and he was like, i wont i promise. i love you. and then he kissed me. and then we were going to make cookiess and do a puzzle together? really weirddd. and i had another dream i wanted to add but i forget within like a minuteee. ahhh bummer. i still want to get married. im not letting up.

To dream that you are swimming, suggests that you are exploring aspects of your unconscious mind and emotions. The dream may be a sign that you are seeking some sort of emotional support. It is a common dream image for people going through therapy.

If you are kissing a close friend, then it represents your respect and adoration for your friend. You are seeking some intimate closeness that is lacking in some waking relationship. It may or may not signify a romantic interest for him or her. 

I WILL NEVERRRR SAY NEVER.

i want to see the justin bieber movie now. yahhh.
after my tax return came last thursday, i have 100.00 dollars left. yikes. but i did pay like 500.00 dollars in bills.. actually like 800.00 counting my car payment. so good for me. plus i dont have any bills again for two weeks.

saturday im having lunch with my mom a sister. who would have thought. at least im getting ragazzis out of it. matts helping me so much to deal with everything concerning my mom and sister. ive been breaking down a lot, which i think drives him crazy because he doesnt want to see me upset about something i cant control. he takes such good care of me. oh and i made an appointment for the obgyn on thursday at 9:40. yikes. i hope nothing is wrong but i kind of wish matt was going with me. ohh well. im a biggg girl now. haa.

i need to lose weight, and i need new pants. ahhhhhhhhhhh.
i had something i wanted to write about, but i forgot.

maybe the decesion to stop taking my anti-depressants wasnt a good idea. i cried last night, the first time in a while. it felt good to cry, but i just dont know why i was so upset. why is tough to not speak to my mom, when i never wanted to speak to her in the first place. when all she does is bring me down. why does it matter so much? if i let her in, she isnt going to make me feel any better. if anything i will just feel worse. and where does matt get off saying that i only want to get married because i want to prove my mom wrong? what does that even mean. why would i have ANYTHING to prove to her.  ive tried all my life to prove things to her, like im actually a good kid. or that i do work hard. and that i will NEVER be like her. even if i were to get married, and have a kid that wouldnt prove ANYTHING. because she would doubt everything i did.she would say i was too young or that i didnt know what i was doing. and i would never look to her for guidance ever. maybe im wrong, in fact i usually am. but i know what i want, and thats the bottom line.

and why would i think anything different. i didnt once mention moving in with matt in the beginning. he is the one who rushed that along, not me. so how would i not think that. he gave me the impression that we were moving fast, and that was perfectly fine with me.

i love matt.
end of story. i HATE when peoplke underestimate me. thats all theyve done all my life. it seems to be a pattern, that i thought would eventually fade. how much do i have to prove to a person?

and i dont even want to think about this period problem. i took a pregnacy test, and it was negative. the last thing i want right now is to find out that i cant have children. so im not going to the doctor. i'd rather not face my fears, thanks though.

BABYYY PLEASEE DONT GO

i had a dream last night about my sister. it was all too familar. I was meeting her and some other people to go to the movies, and when i got there i was like dressed all businessyyy and had some kind of briefcase thing. and when i couldnt find her i called her and she was like off doing something stupid. so she ruined my night because i was like off searching for her. and i could barely hear her on the phone because some black girl was like singing really loudly in the bathroom. so i asked her to please be quiet. then i remember like going through a bunch of purses and shampoo and stuff to take what was my stuff. idk, IT WEIRD. and i like overslept big time this morning.

last night sucked. i was bored as shit. but i waited of for matt to get home so i could see him. and he just came in the door and went straight to the bedroom? i asked how the game was and all he said was goog until the second half. which is fine, i understand that your upset about the game. and not even a kiss? i feel like things might be falling apart with me and matt. im not sure he still wants to be with me? i love him, sooo much. but today when i talked to him on the phone, he didnt even say i love you before he hung up.. that hurts my feelingss, seriously.

I GOT MY TAX RETURNNNNN TODAYYY. hell yeahhh
i wanna see NEVER SAY NEVER now. i might just take my self. hmph.

i love matt. no doubt about it. duhhhhh. but living in that house is starting to take its toll. theres never peace and quiet, theres never alone time, the tvs always loud, the house is always a mess. the list goes on and on. sure, it could be me. well, actually it probably is all me. but whatever. plus, i want to get married. now, lets do it. AHHHHHHHH, im so tired of waiting. idk why. lemme ask a question. when we were talking about getting an ipad matt said at the end of the month we could go and put one on a best buy credit card. okay, thats $800, we cant get a ring for that? we cant put it on the jareds card? whats the difference? these are just things i think of. JUST SAYINNN.

and if this motherrrrr fuckinnnn guy doesnt STOP pacing back and forth on his fuckinnn phoneee. its absoultly obnoxious. my fuses have been very short lately. well, all the time. whatevaaaaaa.

i guess its about time to write in this. yeah its been a while, but ive been busy. i got my little puppy ROXY, i wuvvvv her. and the new jobs been great, besides them taking me for lunches. which is absolutly ridiculous. HIRE SOMEONE. anywayss. my relationships been kinda funny? im honestly not even sure whats going on with that. im mad, im sad, im happy, whateverrrrr. and it seems like matt keeps saying things to me that hurts my feelings, then i just dont even want to talk to him because im afraid i'll say soemthing wrong. its really makes me upset when he points at all my flaws. like i ALWAYS have an attitude, or just things that i do wrong according to him. how i dont take care of my dog and stuff? I really do my best for him. Im tired of waiting to get married to, so tired of waiting that it pisses me off just to think about it. ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

i feel cheated, and its such a familiar feeling. one that ive felt the majority of my life. but recently it was as if everything was falling into place. i work hard, and i work REALLY hard for things i want. but i still always feel like i dont get what i worked for. its still not paying off. not at work, not in life with my mother. i deserve way more than anyone gives me credit for.

for a wholeee year i worked for kathi & nicole. doing EVERYTHING they asked me to do. they took advantage of me on so many occasions. but i did it for my job because i like to work. and most of all i needed the money. i worked until 9 for almost a straight month. when no one else would take that shift. i worked two or three saturdays a month. i pulled tons of weight, and tons of extra weight. so when i saw a chance to move into service you would expect an easy move because i was a good employee and i deserved to move up in the company or atleast move on into something different. but that would have been too easy. it was almost a month long battle just to get kathi to let go, and chuck to take me in. and once he did, kathi still has access to me. i know you cant always get what you want, but atleast give me what i deserve.

and i want a dog. a puppy. pleaseeeeee.

i dont sympathize cause you're a simple bitch.

i had a dream about my mom last night. it was really awkward. i was crying and saying i miss my mom, i really miss her. and she was sitting right there so i was pretty much talking to her. and she just like patted my head while i was laying it on her lap. weird? idk why. she hasnt really been on mind. except for her messaging me on facebook. which doesnt really seem like that big of a deal anymore. whatever.

christmas passed quickly once it got here. christmas is always special to me. but it was good, and i got more than i ever could ask for. new years was good. i went to mikeys with everyone like old days. but i wasnt the same? i had fun. but i missed my house, and matt.

ive always liked shopping for deal and stuff. but ive taken it to a whole new level. like coupons and all. i think its so much fun. ive been to the groccery store twice this week. the first time i had a savings of 50percent. and the second time was a savings of 70percent ! cool.

lately ive just been thinking about how much time has passed. the passed three years have been up and down. but where i am now, shows me that theyve been good to me.

im back in this triangle between me, kathi, and chuck. it might as well be a fuckin circle because im going around and around, and around. kathi cant make a decesion. or either she can make a decesion but she cant call anyone back. i wish i would have neverrr started as a floater, or been good at my job. if this position at honda doesnt come through for me, im looking for another job.. ive always wanted to work at honda, not because of the people but because ive always had a honda, and i grew up around it. but if i have to start from scratch then i guess thats what i'll do. i'll do what i have to, to get where i want to be.

ive never been so in love either. matt and i are doing so well. ive never had anyone treat me the way he treats me, or be sooo happy to see me when he comes home. and ive never wanted to do so much for one person. matt cleared out the spare bedroom for me so i could set up a little room for my wii. so i can do my wii fit and get back into some kind of shape. its neat. i even got a bookshelf for the room! larry called it a "she cave " hahahaha.

ohh yeah. new years i came home at like 4 in the morning.. and there was a wreck on 440. and i saw a guy who was dead in the middle of the highwayyy. ahhhh.

i think its supposed to snow a little tonight? then a lot on monday or somethinggggg. cool.