THREE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

im so excited for christmas. i cant wait to spend it with matt. and give him all his presents! i got him so manyyy, i hope he loves them :) christmas is sooo special to me because of the past few years. i mean two years ago started it all. when i started to actually live life for my self. i was on top of the world. i had a best friend that i will never forget. then this time last year i was coming home from new york. and got to spend christmas with my family & best friend knowing that i was home for good. i got my job at leith soon there after. and little did i know, but that was the beginning of my life. i met the love of my life, even though i didnt know it right away. and now here i am living with him, and spending our first christmas together. ive grown up soo much, and im so much happier than ive ever been before. everything happens for a reason, and im so glad it did.


im getting paid serious moneyyy this week. BIG pay check, and my christmas bonus.

chnages dont excite me anymore. they are sooo scary. the past year has been full of changes and almost all of them came back to slap me in the faceee. im scared, so now im afraid to change anything.

EIGHT DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS, SAY WHAT.

I pity the foooool that falls in love with you

ohhh dearr. i should update like i used to. but im just either too busy, or too lazy. ha. last week i didnt work much because of my butt. ahhh. its all better now. he didnt have to cut it open but he numbed it and thats the most painful thing. then stuck like a suringe in there like thing and pulled out the puss and stuff. gross. then saturday matt had to work so i just cleaned the kitchen and stuff. i made cup cakes for the christmas thing on sunday. saturday night i think we just laid around. we watched the blindside <3 then sunday we went to matts moms for bobbys familys christmas. everyone was really nice. and they even got me a gift. some stuff from bath & body works that i loveee. its like one of my favorite scents. so i feel kind of bad for not getting them anything. but i had no warning! but one of the guys reallyyy liked my cupcakes. haa. then we went to target to get step up 2. haha. apparently matt loves that movie.. i started working on ornaments but got close to nothing accomplished.. so i must finish those tonight, or atleast soon. my sleep schedules been mangled because of being sick and sleeping in and stuff. oppss. last night i made some chicken and rice casserole and it was perfectt. its exactly what i wanted it to come out to be. yum. i think imma make soup tonight. for like dinner tomorrow and lunch and stuff.

CHRISTMAS IN 11 DAYS.
 cant wait.

i dont understand why im so impatient to get married. i love matt, and im going to be with him forever. so it shouldnt matter how long it takes. i mean, i think i just waited a while to find him. to find the person i would fall in love with. but i also think theres a reason for everything. mine and dereks relationship was pretty much to teach me and to give me a good friend.  i loved derek, but i wasnt IN love with derek. and i knew we would never get married. ha, i couldnt marry him. then i had my time when i wasnt in a relationship and had all these guys thats were possibilites but never good enough. then brien, well i guess i was just tired of being single or something? and after what he did to me, i was relieved to have matt. because i knew that i was in love with him. and im glad he is here. because i think i deserve someone who treats me the way he does. and he deserves me, actually probably something better than me. but at least im a step up from what he's had before. cause they treated him like shit. im in love, and i like it. ahhh, i hate when i ramble. my point was. WHY AM I SO IMPATIENT? im not extremely impatient, because i would NEVER leave matt because he was waiting too long to ask me to marry him. maybe im just excited? whatevaaa.

i cant believe it finally happened to me. i found the person that i want to be with forever. like get married, and have kids, forever.

"..that's one thing i don't understand with life. You meet thousands of people. And then you'll meet that one person.. and your life will change forever."

last friday i waited for matt to get off work and we rode out to the auction. except we were stuck in traffic for an hour because of a wreck. so by the time we got there, they were closing up. so we went by chick-fil-a on the way home and just relaxed friday night. saturday morning i woke up at like 7 and fell back asleep on the couch until like 10. then we both got up and cleaned and matts mom came over with tracey for a little bit. then we took showers and got ready and went over to matts moms for the night. had a lot of fun. sunday we finished moving everything from my apartment and got everything moved into the house. its all done. the moneys paid. greattt. last night matt went with larry and brent to go spotlighting and i got everything in the house organized and started laundry. love it.

but last night i woke up from pain on my crack, and this morning it felt swollen and red. so i went to the doctor and my infection came back on one side. and it hurtsss sitting on it. if i have to get surgery againnn, imma be pissed. ahhh.

 If you are not married and find a wedding ring in your dream, then it means that your personal relationship has reached a new level.

To dream that you are engaged to be married, represents sexual or relationship needs. You may be trying to resolve your feelings of loneliness. Alternatively, it symbolizes your commitments and desires for security. More directly, if you are unmarried, the dream may indicate your desires for some form of commitment.

its been so long since i wrote in this thing. i dont even know where to start. thanksgiving we got up early and drove to greensboro to matts grandmas house. it was nice. i got to meet his moms side of the family. and everyone was really nice. his aunt came in and just like kissed me on the forehead. hahaa. and his smallest cousin ashlyn was so sweet. i played with her most of the time. then we left there and went to larrys moms. had a good time over there but ate wayyy too much. then i finally had the weekend off. so friday we went to jareds to get my watch fitted! thattt sweet boy got me a watch for christmas and gave it to me early :) but its sooo pretty and he picked it out all by himself! then after work we went to best buy to get my new phone. i let the other one go unpaid and now im just on matts family plan. then i went home and just wrapped some presents. did some stuff around the house. while i was wrapping all the presents matt sat with me. it was nice just spending time together. saturday we got up and went shopping to try to finish all our christmas shopping. so we got everyone done except my parents! then we went over to my dads because he was frying a turkeyyy. sunday i got up real early and had a horrible headache. so i fell back asleep on the couch while matt was outside cleaning the porch and stuff. bless his heart. so i woke up and like 12 and cleaned the kitchen and straighten up the living room. so we went and had lunch then got our christmas tree! and a wreath for over the mantle. so we went my matts mommys to get some ornaments. then we got back to our house, and put the christmas tree inside but we dont have enough lightsss :( so my parents came over for a little bit.. and we just decided to finished the tree on monday. so we watched the carolina game, finished laundry, and larry fried deer meat.

im sooo happy.

drop everything now.

last friday after work me and matt left for his dads house. it was a decent drive, but we took 64 so we skipped all the traffic that was on 40. once we got there we had chicken and pastry! my favoriteeee. and we just watched tv and stuff. saturday we got up and went to eat breakfast at Millers? i think thats what its called. that was really good. then we went to the mall in winston-salem. then we went back to the house and i took a little nap :) haha. we had dinner at this cute little place and it was veryy good. i had shrimp <3 then we watched toy story three! it was sooo good, just kind of sad. sunday matt made us breakfast then we headed home. went by belk to pick up the new pots and pans.

i dont really remember much cause its been so long. one day last week we moved all my clothes and bathroom stuff from my apartment to matts. friday night matt had the state game and he asked if he could drive my car because it would be easier to park than his truck at the rbc center. so i took his truck to go shopping in :) haha, well dollar tree shopping anyways.i had to work saturday. so saturday morning i go out to my car and i have rain guards on my windows! i was so excited. ive been waiting those since i got my car. he never took my car to the rbc center. haha, he left it at honda for dewayne to put the visors on! how cute is he? i love surprisesssss. i had lunch with him and larry at macaroni grill. then after work we drove out to lake gaston to meet up with crystal and john. we got there around nine, and crystal was already trashed. and it wasnt long before i was too. yikeeess. i took 7? shots within like an hour. why? idkkk? hahaha. so i threw up and went to bed at like 11? hahaha. it was fun though. and melissa, and my babyyy sat beside me when i was throwing up. haha. apparently im a calm drunk. i remember matt coming up to the door and i was just like " HEYY, i just threw up " haha then brushing my teeth. lmao. sunday morning we all went to cracker barrell! it had been so long i was happy to eat there. then i played with melissas kids for a while and we drove home.we laid around for a little bit. then took showers and got ready to go to my grandmas. while we were getting ready matt got upset because he lost a pair of pants i guess that are expensive and fit really good or something? so he was like flipping out and yelling. so i yelled back. then i just left the room and waited for him to get done. and he told me he was sorry for yelling and kissed me. he apologized, WOW. i didnt even know what to say because i was in such shock that a guy was apologizing to me. and meant it. so we went to my grandmas, dinner was amazinggg. i cut like a billon coupons from the paper. then we went to HARRIS TEETER. shopping with matt was nerve racking. im not sure why. but he's right. once we get into the swing of things it will be okay.

last night i left work early to take my apartment complex my letter for moving out and my check for the two months rent. then matt and larry came over. and we moved the dining room table and a bunch of stuff. ate dinner at carrabas. then i went home and went to sleep. then matt woke me up at 1AM. ;) ahhhhh.


being in love is such an incredible feeling.

i havent written in a whileee. friday matt had to do inventory until late so i hung out with heather at his house. we ordered pizza and watched the recorded episode of glee. then we went to the store and went to pick up morgan. i took them up to honda to see everyone, then we went to coldstone. saturday me and matt both had to work. it started off as a good day, but got really suckkyyy. i got upset on the way to my parents house about rentt. and matt was so patient with me. and he wanted to talk to me. it was reallyy nice. we had steak for dinner and we just played pool all night. then sunday we went to matts mommys house for lunch! she made vegtable soup. it was reallyyy good. then we rode forewheelers for a while. sooo much fun. now i want one! then we drove back to my parents for the halloween dinner thing. watched everyone trick or treat. then went back to youngsville. monday i didnt go to work. i didnt feel like getting out of bed honestly. like getting up wasnt worth it. plus my whole body was aching. but i got up around lunch time and ate, and cleaned the kitchen and living room and whatever else. its already dirty again, so it doesnt matter. we had applebees for dinner. then tuesday i worked at honda, then maserati. went with matt so he could vote. went to kohls. went to wendys. then got ice cream at lowes.

while matt was inside voting, his phone flashed like dead battery? and it made me so curious. which is weird. i never go through peoples things, especially not phones. but for some reason i haddd to. the only thing that i read was some stuff with kristine. it just hurt my feelings a little bit. i should have neverrr went through his phone. that was sooo wrong on my part. but we talked about it, and worked it out quite easily :) it was nice having someone who just talks about it with you. i was mad, i just wanted to talk.

and about this moving out thing. ahhhh, i dont even know exactly where i stand. i would love nothing more than to live with matt. duhhh! haha. but there is so much more to it. they were there first, and i dont want to move in on anyones space. especially larrys. because thats matts best frannn. plus, i dont want to feel like im the only one keeping the house clean and what not. i dont mind cleaning, but it just seems like no one cares when i do. and is there even room for me in the closet or bathroom? and how long are we going to stay in that house? i cant buy a new house anytime soon. i can barely afford living right now. and what happens if one month im short on rent? i cant run to my dad then. ahhh. its just scary because i love matt, and i dont want anything to get in the way of our relationship.

your lies just made me find the truth in myself.

yesterday i had my doctors appoitment to check up on how i was doing. my daddy couldnt go so matt went with me cause i was nervous and stuff :( we werent in there long. and he just decided to keep me on my same meds and everythingg. i go back in december. so i got to work late. worked at honda. finallyyyy. had lunch with matt and larry at paneraa. yumm. but almost flipped out at all the comotion. then i left at five and met kristyn at starbucks. we stayed for like an hour 1/2. it was nice catching up. because we hadnt seen each other in soo long. then i spilled coffee all down my shirt. hahaha. picked up janine from maserati and drove her to crystals. then we had to go to the store. then i went back to matts to watch the gamee. yeahh right. but i figured i would just hangout anyways. and we had this heateddd discussion about sports. haha, it was fun. i love him so much. state ended up winning. and matt made a gooddd dinner. LOVE MY LIFE.

It's okay, life is a tough crowd

monday i was supposed to have a get together with everyone at my house but i was wayyy too tired. and no one was getting there until like midnight or one. and i was having a terrible day. i was really depressed all day? then on my way to my car i was just messing around with jesse and was like " dont be knocking on the door or playing the drums cause im going home to take a nap " and he really hurt my feelings because i was just joking. so that made me more upset. once i got to matts i just went to sleep. he called at seven when he got off and me and larry were supposed to order pizza. so we ate pizza, larrys friend candace came over and then we went to bed. but he woke me up at like 12 playing with me ;) so we woke up, did it, and i went back to bed. hahaha. it was nicee though.
then yesterday i went home from work and cleaned my apartment, did the laundry, and took a shower. then once matt got home we were going to his sisters house in cary. and he surprised me witht he taylor swift cd! i swear he is the sweetest thing. he is soooo good to me. so we went to his sister robins and she was soo nice. and a really good mom. i liked her a lot. and her son was soo cute. then we ate at jack astors again. went home, and went to sleep.

now my phones screen is all white with a bunch of lines, so im taking it to crabtree at 4:30.
bummm ass phone.

ive never cared about someone so much in my life. he's everything ive ever wanted, AND MORE. <3 sometimes i feel like the word love doesnt even begin to describe how i feel about him.

thursdayyy i went right after work with april to get my nails done for the weddingg. and found out that matt was coming to the wedding ! so after we got our nails done i met matt back at my house and we went to belk because i had to get a gift for taylor. i ended up getting a plate, bowl, and mug. then i met matt over in the pots and pans sections. go figureee. and he's like " dont look at the prices, just pick between these two " and of course i looked at the prices, they were both 200 buckks.. so we are standing there and this old lady comes up to us and just started raddiling off all the crap about the pot and pan sets. so we ended up putting it on layaway to get 15 percent off then i got a belk card to get another belk card. so it wasnt too bad. then we had dinner at jack astors <333 luhhh that place.

friday i left work at 3, went home and got ready for the rehersal dinner. it took us like an hour to get through it all twice. then we had dinner. and it was gooddd. chicken, prime rib, potatos, rolls, salad. yummm. then some of the girls headed back to taylors house but i just drove home.

saturday i got up at 7AM and drove to erwin to the hair place, and like no one was there. but then eric and his brother pulled up and he was like "do you work here?" hahahha, i said ERIC. and then he realized and he gave me some flowers that he got for taylor. SO SWEET. ahhhh. then we all got our hair done. and while jamie was doing my make up there was this women in there who like apparently had throat cancer or something. and she had a hole in her throat talking through one of those things. and jamie was like i wish she would stop talking, its creeping me out! hahaha, she said everyone knows you had cancer. thats hateful, but it was soo funny. once we got to the church we changed and took pictures then we waited for a while. did the wedding and then took soo many pictures after too. went to the reception and saww ava and my honeyy. and they didnt even have real food, just like finger food and i was starvinggg. all i had was breakfast. so we stayed for a while then dipped. went to matts house to pick up clothes. then went to traceys cause it was her birthday! and matts mom was there. she was soooo sweet! i dont know why i was ever worried about her. i feel like we could just hangout. idk, it was nice. then we went to crystals and we had to change into flinestone costumes ! hahaha. it was soo cute and funny. i had a good time, but i was so tired we went home at like 1230.

sunday we got up at like 9. showered together <33 then rode to crystals to get matts phone and my glasses. then had breakfast at sonic : ) then i dropped him off to play golf with my dad. the right after i got back to the apartment caroline got there. so i jumped in the shower and got ready. then alicia got there. we went out to garner to eat logans! then went to target. came back home went to dollar tree. then caroline had to leave for her meetings so me alicia and matt just hungout. then we met zack and amanda in raleigh and we all went to the fair! it was sooo much fun. we had the krispy kreme burger!! yummm. fried cookie dough. corndog. a pickle! fries! and some other crapp. haha. and we just kind of walked around and stuff. sooo much fun. then got ice cream on the way out and they were doing fireworks. so matt and zack watched the fireworks while me and amanda talked. i miss her and zack so much, and we made an agreement to atleast hangout once a month! matt and zack got along really well, they just kept talkinggg. :)


i'm sooo in love.

at least they can say i never give up.

ive come a longgg way in the past few weeks. everything got completely out of control and i had no idea how to handle it. its deffently been building up with my mother and all the other stress and my dad was trying very hard to get me to the doctor for anxiety & stress medicine but i refused. on that wednesday after i found out that brien didnt show up for work and was moving back, everything was crazy. i ended up getting off early and going to the doctor that day. after the doctor i went back to the apartment complex to find all briens stuff packed. i signed a lease to my own apartment and moved everything across the hall within like 2 hours. i love my new apartment, and i love living by myself. the medicine is deffently helping. or either ive just gotten stronger. i dont stress about small things anymore, its great. matt was such a good friend to me throughout it all, even though i probably didnt deserve it. its amazing after all that time, he was still there for me. hes such an incredible person, more than i could ever ask for. our relationship is so much different than anyhing ive ever been in before. he knows exactly how to make me happy, and hes completely honest with me :) even if it hurts my feelinnn. hahaha. i couldnt be happier, i know that much. that boyss too good for mee <3

lucky to be in love with my best friend.

tuesdayy i got off at four and went straight home. i was sooo tired. but casee came over with the two autistic kids she watches during the day. the little girl laura just likes to color but she colors the ENTIRE paper sooo much that its pretty much wax paper. its ridiculous. and then when they were leaving the boy kyle? like got up but wouldnt leave and casee kept saying "lets go, lets go" and he would pretend he was going to cut the tv on, or he would cut it on then cut it right back off. hahahaha. she she finally got him to go. i went to the groccery store to get stuff for breakfast. then right after i got back home casee came back. and we started to watch GLEE but it was a re run ! ahhhh. so we started dinner, then matt got home <33 and we ate, watched the teen mom review thing and then passed out. i was soooo tired.

then wednesday i got off at four and went straight to matts house and went to sleep. then the next thing i rememeber is matt getting home. and apparently jesse was like knocking on the door and stuff? haha, i must have been pretty dead to the world. so jesse and matt cooked dinner, and it was reallyyy good. watched the bounty hunter, then just talked for a while.

my hair is reallyyy soft today? this weekend is really going to suckk. going to get my nails done with april tonight for the wedding on saturdayy. okayyy byeeeeeeee. <3

Gives you something you can do with your hands
Makes you look cool and feel like a man
In the morning you'll probably regret me
Me and your cigarettes

Started young, it's too late to quit
Most call it a bad, bad habit
Your mama told you, you could end up dead with me
Me and your cigarettes

Always there every time you need me
It ain't love, it's just like nicotine
You're addicted to a feeling you can only get
From me and your cigarettes

yesterday i was tired as fuckkk. and i got to work at 8. got off at four. went home did some laundry, took a nap. went to OCHARLEYS with matt, then went to his house and watched pawn stars for like hours. and went to bed.

i honestly wouldnt trade my life for anything. i never thought id be where i am now. i have amazing parents. an amazing boyfriend who im sooo thankful for. hes soo much more than i feel like i deserve. i must have done something really good to deserve him. he's everything ive ever wanted. hes mature, i mean i guess that just comes with age. he can take care of me. he loves me, and he shows it. he has awesome friends, who dont mind me being around. ahhh he can cook :) hahaha. hes responsible. he gets along great with my family, and hes just like my freakinn dad. my dad trusts him completely. hes amazing. i love him. forever.

fridayyy i left work at 5 and went home to pack a bag for the weekend. then drove back to matts house, and stopped by honda to see him since he was working until 9. cleaned his kitchennnn, hahaa. it was so messy. then i met him and larry at chilis for dinner. then we pretty much just went to bed. matt had to work saturday anyways. so saturday i slept until like 930? and didnt do anythingggg all day. haha. i watched like 3 movies. downloaded music, and made cds. when matt got home we went to lowes to get each others keys cut. so he'll have a copy and so will i. that'll make life a lot easier. then we went to kohls to look at pots and pans. nooo fun. haha. i just dont want him spending that money. i guess i need to get over that? but then we went to lowess the food store and got beer, and mayo. hahahaaa. and i got cigarettes and the lady was soo dumbbb. she handed me like four differnet kinds and the one she did get right she put back. haha. then we rode the forewheeler <3 over to shaness to cookout. i met a lot of peopleee :) larrys mom, aunt, brother, his wife, and yeahh. its really cool that matt took me over there. we jumped on the trampolinee. after we ate, and larrys dumbass kept catching the grill on fire. hahaha, and finally matt had to put it out for him. we went back to matts to play pokerrr. sooo much funn. i was doing pretty good. i even got four of a kind with 7's. hilarious. i went to bed once i was out and just waited for matt to finish :)

sunday we got up at like 830 -900 and showered and then drove allt he way to my house to drop off my car. then we went to the fair! loveeee it. i had two hotdogs, hahaha. and we just walked around like i love to do! matt got me a carolina shirt :) and he got a state one. too cuteee. i had a pickle! but it started getting so crowded that i just wanted to get outta there. i had A LOT of fun though. then we went to my parents house cause my dad cooked us filet <3 i couldnt eat but half of it. thennn we went to sunni skiess. i love how well my parents and matt get along. :))) it was a good weekendddd.


but last night on the way to sunni skies me and matt had a serious marriage talk?? i guess, idk thats what he called it. i dont like talking about it anymore because i dont want to freak him out. but i just wanted him to understand that im already an adult.. ha. ive already missed my "youth". its just the way i grew up. im not asking to get married tomorrow, but im a lot more grown up and ready for the concept than anyone else my age. if there is anyone i could see myself marrying it would be matt. im happy with my life. i have some amazingggg people around me.

i was late for work today, go figureee. last night was soooo much fun. matt ended up going with me <33 so i got off and 4 and had to go get him clothes and feed jesses dogs and whatever. and once i got on forty it was like sitting still FOREVER. got home, changed, cleaned a little and starting trying to put together this pink thing i have so matt has something beside the bed. hahaha. we got there at like 8 or so? saw like half of eric church, who i didnt really knoww. miranda lambertt was soooo amazing. she put on a really good show, and it was a lot of fun. i think matt might have thought i wasnt having a good time cause i dont dance and stuff? idk, its just not me. but i did have a veryy good time!! and on the way out he got me a shirtt ;) sweet boyy is too good for me. went home and passed out, and i overslept.. sooo glad its the weekend.

the sunshine hit me dead in the eye, like its mad that i gave half the day to last night.

i got off at four and went straight to matts house. i was soooo tired i pretty much just changed, and went to sleep. once he got home he woke me up and we went over to crystals! me and crystal carved our pumpkins and they pretty much look like shittt. haha. but it was funn. matt brought me breakfast this morningggg. and its been raining so hopefully they wont cancel the concert !! ahhh, id be so upset.

its kind of funny how nothing my mom says directly to me bothers me anymore. she obviously knew me and brien werent together anymore. its all over facebook. but she deffently didnt make it a point to call or anything. but last night she posted a video of me and him and then liked on of his status' i mean really? so i sent her a message saying that i had moved on but i would appreciate it if she didnt talk to brien or anything or else i would have to delete her. haaa, she got pissed. she was like im glad you moved on, and i hope your happy cause i guess thats all that matters anyways. but i think you might have rushed into it a little but. i RUSHED? seriously. you got pregnant... it does matter if im happy because i spent too much time trying to please everyone else. and then she went on about how she wasnt going to let my selfishness effect her and taylor anymore.. MY SELFISHNESS? how am i selfish? what the fuckkk have i ever asked her for? what have i ever asked ANYONE for? shes the selfish one.. buying the cars that she did.. two at a time. or going out all weekend and me having to stay at home with taylor before i could drive. those were my high school weekends. and then bringing random ass guys home.. thats not selfish? we were too young for that. ridiculous. you neverrrr put me first, ever. im not a mom but im pretty sure your child comes first, at least mine will anyways. and my dad alwayssss puts me first. its clear we cant have a normal relationship, and now we cant have a relationship at all. and the sad part is thats fine with me. because maybe it is be being selfish? but im tired of letting you bring me down. so this is it. you shouldnt try to call, write, whateverrr. it wont do any good. finally i stood up for myself. and maybe i am mad at all the mistakes shes mad, but i ALWAYS give people chances.. im not the kind of person to just write people off. its going to be a sad day when she doesnt see me get married, or doesnt see me on christmas. its going to be sad when taylor fucks up more than she already is, and then she realizes that i work as hard as i do. im so thankful for my dad, april, matt, and all my friendsss.

i just want to write about you, all dayyyyy.

today i mentioned thanksgiving and christmas to matt and he said "oh i will be with you christmas morning, thats what i care about the most" how sweettt. and he bought me two tickets to see miranda lambert since brien returned my other ones. so me and april are going to the concert tomorrow!! im so excited. and got tickets to the state fair. i swear i love that boy. he's going to spoil meee. i feel so stable, when almost two weeks ago i was sooo unstable. its amazing and im very proud myself. i couldnt ask for better family, or friends, or boyfriendddd. :)) im on top of the world. its such an incredible feeling. i knew that the only place there was to go was up, and it didnt take me longg. i get off at four, so im going to matts, and either taking a nap until he gets home.. or going to crystals once she gets off. probably nap! hahaa. but once matt gets home we are going to crystalsss.


being with matt is sooo incredible, and so normal? which doesnt make sense. but its like.. we've been together for a while. idkk, i cant explain it. its great to have someone who appreciates me, who wants to do things for me, and just cares. with me and my dad being so close.. i thinkkk its a good thing that him and matt are just alike. i like it anyways. i think its good to be best franss before anyways. which means we will always be if something happens. event thoughhh it never will. yepp, k.

yesterday i workedd at chrysler, plus mercedes, plus bmw. on my lunch break i had to take the dress women my dress so she can alter it for the weddinggg. it was the most awkward thinggg. hahaa. we were just standing in her living room and she was like, " go ahead and get undressed, theres no one here but me " hahaha, until i relized i was wearing the smallest pair of underwear i own. LMAO. so i got that done. i got off at four so matt just met me at the housee. but theres was a wreck on US1 so i tried to tell him to get around it but i suckkk so bad at directionss. haha. after i went home and changed we just went for a drive, then to get my hair color, and to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner. :) matt cooked chicken ceaser salad with bacon for my parentsssss. omggg, sooo good. :))) so we watched glee, then did my hair. it looks soo good. i like it much better than my red. but i ended up needing two bottles because i have such thick hair soo matt and my dad had to go to the store together. hahaha. cute. i watched like half of teen mom that came on at 12 but i passed out earlyyy.

everythings perfectttt.
i love you.

i love when people tell the truth. that question that i was dreading from matt came up saturday night. turns out jesse actually told him the truth. yeahh it was after he lied and kept it a lie for months but either way atleast now matt knows i was being truthful. go me. i dont feel like i just came out of a relationship either.. i feel like brien isnt worth me being worried, or upset about. someone like that doesnt deserve to me in my life. im not rebounding. im doing what makes me happy. which i should have done months ago.

last night was retarded at work. it was like a millionnn degrees. so when i finally got off matt just picked me up from here. he brought me new silverware. like some get got like five years ago for christmas and hasnt used. hahaha. then we drove to my house so i could shower and changee. and we ended up going to daniels. yummmm. then we pretty much just came home and watched  jersey shoreee. haha. i was sooo tired, i just didnt want to sleep because i hate missing time with him. he's the sweetesttt thing. but we woke up this morning and i had nooo covers! haha. and i was freezinggg. it was ridiculous. i got ready in like .5 seconds. haha.

matts been worried about my dad knowing.. ? which i guess i kind of understand why. i mean.. my dads not dumb. we spend a lot of time together. but i talked to my dad about it this morning and he is pretty okay with it. just wants me to be careful. im taking a risk trusting someone, but ive been able to trust matt for a longggg time. whateverrr. im doing what makes me happy, its not like im out sleeping around or anything. we communicate so well, i dont know if its a maturity thing or what? either wayy its awesome. we are going to the state fair on sunday because matt has to work on saturday! im sooo excited to go to the fair. i just like walking around. and all the food. ahhhh, i cant wait!! i love fall sooo much. my birthday, then the weather gets nice, then the fair, then thanksgiving, and then christmasss!! yayyy. me and matt talked about going to the christmas party together this year. how exciting! plus i get off at 4 todayyyy. so im meeting matt at my house. then later me and april are going to buy my hair dye. doing my hair, and watching glee!! so serious about my glee, but the last episode suckedd.

i feel baddd, that i dont feel bitter.

as of wednesday, brien no longer lives in NC. i was fucked over, but im better now. ive moved into my OWN apartment all by myself. :) i went to the doctor for my anxiety and stress and they prescribed me some medicineee. i got rid of utley.. and jesus sooo much has changed. im glad things ended when they did, and its kind of bad that im not exactly upset anymore. soo, wednesday i we moved all my stuff over to my new apartment. then thursday i went over to crystals house. utley was at home so i had to drive all the way home. but matt got off at 630 so he just rode with me. we got utley and went over to crystals house. we pretty much just sat around like alwaysss.

FRIDAY, i went to dinner with my parents. i got off at four so i went home to start laundry and take a nap. we had dinner at daniels ! my dad picked me up, so they went to drop me off and help straighten up my apartment. ssooo me and april were outside smoking and on the balcony across from mine we heard BANG BANG BANG, APEX POLICE. OPEN UP. so there were like people in there but i guess they had the door locked? so eventually they like busted down the door and searched the place and couldnt find anyone? so later the cops came like beating on my door, and they wanted to like see my attic space and stuff to see if there was anyway they could get up in there. the cops were like playing with utley and stuff. hahaha. then later they arrested 2 guys. then my parents left. and chris came over around 1? we pretty much just watched tv, i was soo tired. and i had to get up early so he left at like 230?

SATURDAY, i went with my parents to get some shoes for taylors wedding. we drove there, picked them up and came back to fuquay. went to kohls and got 2 pairs of work pants, and some jeans. then my parents wanted me to go to the groccery store with them so i would have to pay. then i went home to finish laundry. at like 4, matt came over. the people buying the washer and dryer were supposed to come at 5 but they got there at like 6. so until then, me, my parents, and matt watchedd the carolina/clemson gamee. and we wonnn. once they took the washer and dryer.. me and matt left. we stopped by the store to get stuff for dinner and beer. then we stopped by his house so he could changee and pick up his friend BJ. and it ended up that larry, and jesse came too. then on the way to crystals we had to get more beer and cigarettes. hahaha. we were at crystals untill like 2? it was hilarious. and there was randomly like 15 people there? matt took us all back to his houseee. i just remember not being able to see and being like " CAN YOU PUT YOUR BRIGHTS ON PLEASE? " hahaha? once we got back to matts we were up until like 5AM. hahahaa. got up at like 12 and crystal and everyone were at waffle house but me and matt went to griffins instead.. then went to lowes to get some stuff for his bathtub drain, and a mail boxxx. haha. then we met crystal and john and janine at target. but matt and john ended up going to the junkyard with jason so me crystal and janine shopped then went back to her house. and took at nap. then went to hillshire farms. which was like reallyyy cool if i was 6? haha. so we didnt stay long, just got our pumpkins and lefttt. then me and matt went to harris teeter to get stuff to make spaghetti. and when it was almost done i went to smoke a cigarette and burnt the noodles. haha. then we watched glee. and went to sleeppp.

awesomeeeee weekend.

doesnt it make you said to know, that life is more than who we are?

friday sucked, we argueddd. after having dinner at chilis. i dont even remember what we argued about. but brien called me a bitch. so i just left and went to redbox and got remember me. took it home, watched half of it and fell asleep. saturday i woke up at like nine to go get jake from the vet, and then take him to my parents house. and i said kim and leo after i dropped him off. they were going to the zoo, and landon is sooo big. then i went home and we drove out to the flea market but forgot that its closed all of october because of the fairr. <333. so we went to petsmart. then dropped Utley off and went back to apex to go shopping. then i already had plans to go to crystals but i had no gas plus brien wasnt going. thenn, we had some huge argument because it seemed like brien didnt want me to hangout with him, tyler, and andy, so whatever, they dropped me off at crystals. and i hungout there all nightt. stephanie, her cousin matt, jenn, damon, larry, matt moore, and janine were there. we pretty much just sat my the fire and drank. and janaine was so obnoxiously drunkk. and it was hilarious. matt e apparently said something and it sounded like he was calling her a whore, adn she flipped out. then me, stephanine, matt e, and matt m all went to waffle houseee. lmao. then brien picked me up from there, pissed for no damn reason? then sunday was football, and brien had tyler, andy, and andys brother so i went to crystals. me, crystal, john, janaine, and matt m went to halloween store, then to sallys. i just sat in the truck with matt and john. while crystal and janaine went in. then we went and ate mexican. and went back to crystals house and played dress up, and watched glee. then monday nicole tried to send me to chrysler, and i really didnt want to. so she sent me anyways just to train the other girl. thats a fuckinggg diaster. this girl really was soo annoying. and i end up staying until 12, then going to switchboard until 2, then i had lunch with matt m at the mall, and then closed honda at 7.. matt order pizza after work, so i picked it up and we all went to crystals and watched dawn of the dead. like the old oneee. hahaha. brien was asleep when i got home.. and now im at chrysler AGAIN answer damn phones...

im really sick of all this drama with my mom. she's constiently hurting my feelings. shes the one who made everyone pick sides, and ultimately i had to go with what was better for me. if i continue to talk to her and what not, or if i cut the ties.. either way its going to hurt me. and i can admit that she isnt worth my time, never was. but its not that easy to just dropp your mom. i'd have to explain myself, not that i owe her any explnation. im pretty sure she owes me one. i dont want her at my wedding, i dont want her helping with anythinggg in my future. as a matter of fact, i'll just write off the her whole side of family. its not like i hear from any of them anyways, thanks for the phone calls on my birthday, when i was in bed all dayyyy because i couldnt fucking walk. or sit. they all mean nothing to me. thats harsh, but i dont miss my mom at all. who would? all i need is my dad, stepmom, and friends. they'll have to keep me going, somehow. although come to think of.. i work wayyy more hours a day than my mother. OH and i work monday through saturday most weeks. OH and i drive a 2010 car, brand newww. OH and im 19 years old and do everything for myself. but my 16 year old sister is amazing, never wanting anything?? working hard for everything. she doesnt work hard, and never has for anything she owns. my uncles just handing her a fucking car. and without and job, how is she going to fill up the gas tank. i worked when i was 15 until now. and that apparently means nothing to my mother. whatever. im tired of trying to please her. because it will NEVER be good enough. and thats sad. really sad. dont blame me for ANY of this, because ive tried my best. and im really tired of trying. your worthless, and the best thing my dad did was leave, because you treated him like shit. and he wasnt good enough for you either, apparently. i shouldnt have to live with this anger. and im not going to.. as soon as i figure out how to do that.

and whats wrong with me and brien. its constant fighting. im sooo sick of arguing with him. maybe once again its my fault? because maybe im not fit for a relationship. i cant be sure. im not sure of anything. i dont know what to do to make myself happier. how ridiculous.. its my own life but i dont know how to make it better. it makes no sense. i dont even know whats making me unhappy. is it brien? is it work? is it me not being in school? i wish i knew.

i talked to christine yesterday, and today. and i feel a lot better.

dont give me options..

don't call me a bitch, that just makes everything worse.

on top of everything this is ridiculous. and I cant even just drive around to relax. because I have no god damn money because of not working for a week and then having to pay fucking AT&T so now I'm just sitting in the Harris teter parking lot. how pathetic. is it really me? the problem is I'm not really even sure. whatever. i guess it's a part of my mother that will never go away. I hatebeing compared to her and I really hate feeling like I'm acting like her. this relationship is so different, but vie stayed the same. maybe that's the fucking problem. but mom is pure evidence that I may never have a decent relationship because my attitude. how do you explain that to someone?

then once I left the house I realized that all my best friends are gone. to college or either we just don't talk anymore. I have no where to go besides my parents house but they are out of town. I've fucked myself. I don't want to be with anyone else, thats obvious. I just seem to have a problem with relationships. I'm not even sure how it's lasted this long.

writing on this thing from my iPhone just hurts my god damn eyes, so fuckkkk it.

i can always tell when im upset about something. because dumb bullshit like the movie rent makes me cry. i guess i hurt briens feelings but I didn't mean to, I was just being honest like he asked me to.. that's just how I feel. I'm just glad tomorrows friday. this whole weeks been rough on me. I've been exhausted, went to bed early and still wake up late for work. and I'm not really sure if I'm doing what I want to do. I don't even understand myself, and I don't think I ever will.

but you would think, with all that said that my stress level would slowly lower itself but really it's at an all time high. especially with my mom and my sister. I wish I could understand my mother. the whole situation really hurts my feelings and just pisses me off. Like she can just get away with everything she's done and I have to be the bigger person to just brush it under the rug and pretend everything fine. well it's not. I'm still angry. truth is, I'll always be angry and theres nothing anyone can do about it. not even her. she made way too many mistakes that she can't ever take back. and now her and her whateverrrr are have problems when just a few ago she was fuckin pregnant by him? that's great. get yourself knocked up and then have all this god damn drama on FACEBOOk? where everyone and their moms can see it. how embarrassing. grow the fuck up. get your shit together. because if I could help it, you wouldn't have gotten away with it for this long. pathetic piece of shit. you seriously ruined my life and everyday that I live miserably it's your fault. you created this fuckin battlefield I live on. and your so god damn broke but you can afford to buy Taylor diamond earrings? when did I everrr get anything like that. the money isn't he point, it's the point that I do everything for my fuckin self and the only person who try to help is my father. just because he made something of himself you feel like you have punish him for that? just because you could have had that lifestyle but you fucked YOURSElF over? he wasn't good enough? you needed other people. and you thought you were so sneaky. I was sooo young and I still knew what was going on. too bad you still think its a secret. your such a good role model. and it kills me everyday to know that my sister is just fuckig like you. selfish and pathetic. you SHOULD feel sorry for yourself because you've lost so much tht you will never get back, including your daughter. it's sad that you really could careless.

I think I'm ready to cut ALL ties,
I'm an adult right?
no one can make my choices for me anymore.
and my happiness depends on this choice.


considering now everyone is trying to push anxiety medication on me now. so I can depend on medication for happiness, that's even more pathetic.

worstttt past two weeks everrr. two wednesdays ago i called in and went to the doctor because of my butt. turned out it was an infection under the skin so he gave me an antibotic. it got worse, and worse. i didnt work the rest of the week. saturday was my fuckinnn birthdayy. but i woke up at 8, could barely walk. brien came and got in the bed with me. and i opened my presents from him. he got me the cutesttt pandora charm. a heart shaped locket with a chain that has a gold key attached. veryyyyy pretty earrings and necklace. AND MIRANDA LAMBERT ticketsss! that was pretty much the highlight of my birthday since i couldnt get out of bed. my mom called and went on about going to get another present for taylor, and he birthday cake. yadda, yadda. hurt my feelings. my parents came over later. they got a niceeeeee earrings. love em' :) and april got me a bunch of clothes, and purses and crap.

sunday i had to go back to the doctor.. i went alone and then they told me they had to cut the infection open to drain it and crap so i called my dad and asked him and april to come. it was soooo painful. i was screaming so loud. and crying and could barely walk out. they packed the cut and crap with some kind of paper stuff so they would continue to drain. GROSS. dad drove me home, and april drove my car to get my meds filled and then back to my house.

the entire following week i was out of work. tuesday i got the packing taken out. and the doctor wanted to put more in, i said NO. the that night my parents came over to watch GLEE :). friday my parents left for the beach so that night once brien got off work we headed to the beach. friday night we pretty much just had dinner. then saturday we woke up early. i couldnt sleep so i was up at 4:30. we went to charleston, SC to the naval shippp thing. idk? it was cool but a lot of walking for me, since i still have the cuts and stuff. then we ate a bubba gump shrippp. deliciousssss. they had signs that said "run forest run" and then another saying "stop forest stop" depending on if you needed your waitress or not. then brien got me and him a hoodie and since we spend more than $50? we got a cute little back pack thing like i wantedddd. YAY. its pinkkk. then we walked around the slave market and all around charleston. then april got me this really pretty necklaceee. its really simple with just one pearl. its cute. then we went back to mrytle beach. and just hungout really.

sunday me and brien didnt wake up until 9? or 10? and my parents were already on the pier, so we showered and stuff and went out there.. i was out there for like five minutes and caught a fishh. then it started raining pretty badly so we ate at the pier resturant. then brien and i packed up our stuff. we met my parents down at some storeee. and my dad got me a new shirttt. tried to convince brien to get some sperrysss, but he wouldntt. then me and brien drove down to mrytle beachhh. and walked the strip. he convinced me to go in the Ripleys haunted house. scaryyyy as fuckkk. we went in with three other people. and brien led the whole wayyy through. but the guy made me and brien go first. and this guy came out with a chainsaw and i thought that i was the end so i just took off runningg, and realized it was still the house. so we all got cloggedd up because i couldnt see and wouldnt go first. haha. then we get in the elevator and im like THANK GOD its over, it wasnt overrrr. and i literally peed in my pants. brien was so damn brave. he seriously just walked through it. then we stopped at mcdonalds to pee, and get tea. and the ride home was miserableeeee. it rained the WHOLE way there. but it wasnt too bad with brien there :) we talked a lot, and im so glad i have him. i'd be lost otherwise. then i decided to stop and see my mom. since friday i told her how she hurt my feelings, and then saturday she wanted to come by and see me. so i figured id get it out of the way because i wouldnt feel like it this weekk. she gave me my present, and taylor was going on and on about all the shit and money she got for her birthday. whateverrr. we picked up utley from staceys house and she had him dressed up! in a hoodie. HOW CUTEEE. then he peed on brien in the car. hahaha. once we got home we just crashedddddd.

the past two weeks ive worked 12-9 at honda because they still havent hired anyone for it yet. i'd just take it but im not working every saturday. sorry, i work enough of them as it is. so last week on thursday i didnt have to be in until 12 and brien just called to say he was going to be late and we drove to sanford to see the puppy. i wanted brien to go because i knew i would take him no matter what. so either way we ended up getting him and i swear ive never seen anything cuter. hes a really good puppy and he has had very many accidents. i took him to work with me on thursday and friday. friday night briien was hanging out with andy so i went over to crystals. cause matt, jenn and crystals sister were there. and i wanted little Utley to play with scooter :) so i picked up arbys for me and matt. then i left at like 11:30 so i didnt get home until 12:30..

then saturday morning i had to work at chrysler but befre i could even get there i got a phone call from matt saying there was no cashier and everyone was panicked. so i went to open up chrysler and then i left there to come open honda. and it seriously was a mad house.. i helped like 10 people as soon as i got there. and then crystal finally showed up at like 915. after i got off i had to go get crystal something to eat then drove home. gave utley a bath with the flea shampoo. then went over to my parents house and my dad gave utley his five way shot. because he was due for it. then we went over to shawn and gabbys cause i had to babysit. i fell asleep for like an hour.. so brien pretty much babysat. afterwards we just went home and went to sleep. utleys been sleeping in the bed :) and hasnt had any accidents in it ! i love my little puppyyy.

then sunday i slept in and me and brien decided to take Utley to the farmers market. and i seriously took us like 3 hours there because everyone we past wanted to see Utley and play with him. but then we left there and went to petsmart and got utley a new leash and collar and a krate for him to stay in when we arent home. then when we were in petmsart i had Utley on the ground cause i wanted him to walk and learn and not bwe scared and this women is like " its time to pick him up now he's scared.." and i just started at her. and then she said it again and im like? what, serioulsy i didnt say anything and then she picked him up and handed him to me.. so i walked to the next eisle and set him down. dumb woman. and walking into petsmart this man was asking about Utley and as i soon as i turned around i was like " are you micthell lanphiers dad? " and he was so we talked for like a good 20 minutes.. about bullshit. apparently his dad moved to apex and now has a baby and shit. whateverrr. so we went home i cookede dinner and did laundryy. yada yadaaa.

monday morning i got up and went to work. and all at the same tim eme, christina, and angie were standing with nicole.. and nicoles like " who wants to work at honda the night shift this week.." and christina's just shaking her head.. and im like " i guess i'll do it." since no one else will fuckin do it. but i asked to not work until on friday cause my birthday is on saturday.. but anyways. brien ended up calling out sick. he was throwing up and had a migraine or something? gross.

then today he called out to and went to the doctor and what not. today has sucked. ive felt like shit the whole day and now i feel like i might throw up.. but we still have two waiters.. and i cant leave.

i got a new puppy, and he's the cutesttttt thing.

everyhings fine, i just hate those phases that i go through because during those phases its like nothing makes me happy. last week was ridiculous, i just didnt want to go home. so like almost everyday i just went out and drove around by myself. it was relaxing but it got old. i made up with brien on friday. apologizing and trying my best to explain what was going on. so friday night when i got off at 9, i met him, tyler and andy at some place on hillsborough street. then we all left, i picked up cigarettes and they picked up beer and we went back to the house to play beer pongg. andy was shooting under handeddd. LMAO. then after like 5 games i had to throw up. haha. but i drank more than anyone else anyways because andy was on my team and he wasnt drinking.. so i had to drink his. i guys while i was throwing up tyler and andy just dipped, haha. so i went to bed. then saturday we went to my dads house around  3 and corey, and amanda were there with their babyyy sileyyy. she was soo big and cute. then sunday we went over around 1. corey and amanda were there and so were duke and pam. but after dinner they went down to the neighbors house which was really ridiculous and everyone was upset because it was rude. they were supposed to be over for a while. but we went to sunni skies. and then came back to my dads house for a while. monday brien and i drove to smithfiield to get my bridesmaid dress for taylors wedding. so i had to pay another $90.00. which brings he dress to a total of $180.00. ughhh. then we ate at bob evans, soooo good. came back home. went to target and borders. brien got me my mommywood book! and then we went grocery shopping. anothering $93.00 i had to spend. damnn. then i came home and was cutting canalope and cut the shit out of my finger. seriously, im yelling " BRIEN I CUT MY FINGER " and he just stared at me while blood was going everywhere. he said " i thought you were just kidding " hahahaaaha. im working 12-9 this week and honda. SCORE. then saturday im working 8-3 and im baby sitting gianna at 6! makinnn that money for vacation. and my birthday is in 11 dayssss. SAY WHAT.

i wish i could make up my mind. im mentally, and emotionally drained.

some days are easier than others.

my job isnt horrible ALL the time. when im at honda im fine, or a day like today its nice to be able to just kind of relax at work. last night i got off of work and met chris at the bowling alley. then we drove out to the barn placeee, i went there a longgg time ago to go fishing. but this time he just had to give the horses water and stuff. i guess they pay him to take care of the horses? idk, im not to fond of horses. lmao. after that he wanted to go check on his grandma. so i wasnt sure if i should go in or what? thats kind of awkward meeting his grandma. but i went in and she was sooo cute. she's 93 years old. and she does sudoku all day long, she was telling me how she even made her own. then we liked walked around the house. and its suchhh an old house that i was really cool. he showed me his crx, which id seen pictures of and the motor because when he worked at honda it was in his bay. lmao. then we left there and met his old roomate chase at best buy and we waited until it was almost 10:00PM to go to MOJOES cause burgers are 2 dollars after ten. so i got a burger with chili and cheese and mustarddd. it was soo good.then we were on our way back to best buy and this lady was seriously drunk or something.. she was driving all over the road, curb, and grass. then she like almost didnt stop at the red light, and we she did her head was like bobbinggg all over the place. then she almost hit the grandpa that was driving next to us. chase and chris had me dyinggg laughing about that old women. then we dropped chase of at his car and chris took me back to the bowling alley. and we got to talking as alwayssss, about religion and shitt. then at like 12:10 i headed home. part of me thinks that was a little late, and the another part of me thinks that im an adult and i dont have a curfew. idk? im kind of over talking about it all anyways. i want my space, ALOT. but i know its something that brien isnt used to. its going to take time, hopefully we can work it out? chris is my only friend that hasnt gone off to college. not my only friend, but the only friend that i hangout with. anywaysss, its only thursdayy. DAMN. and i have to work saturday. whateverrr, ballinnnn paycheck.

people are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

lets go back to thursdayy. i worked 12-9 at honda, and afterwards me and chris went to play pool for a while. brien was obviously upset about it, but since he said he didnt care i went anyways. i mean, i havent seen chris since me and brien got together. friday morning i woke up with a horribleeee headache. so i didnt go to work. i ended up reading on briens blog about how he was pissed that i went out thursday night. and whatever else. so that pissed me off, because he wouldnt even talk to me about it on thursday and then friday acted as if everything was fine. so after a 40 minute long conversation i left to go hangout with casee to get my mind of everything. i met her in aniger then we went to salsaritas. my dad was upset about the whole thing, and he told me to atleast let brien know i was okay.. even though he passed me and casee on the road.. then dad told me i needed to go home and talk to him. i forgot everything and told him how much i loved him. we ended up going with andy to the moredcai house, and some dorthea dix cemetary. and then got ice cream at goodberrys because we couldnt find the walmart. bahahah. we talked some more once we got home and everything was fine. saturday we just hungout at the house, it was nice and relaxing. then saturday night we went to tonys for my dad and avas birthday. it was a lot of fun, and i was glad that brien finally got to meet ava & j. considering they are a hugee parttt of my life. sunday we went shopping for my dad and grandpas birthday but ended up getting a bunch of stuff for us. hahaa. but we got my dad a giftcard to DICKS for 50 dollars. secondhand lions on dvd cause he loves that damn movie. and some candyyy. and we got my grandpa some golf gloves. we ate at sullivans. and brien saw dwight howard? apparently some really good basketball player or something. whateverrr.

im counting on this week flying by, but either way i have to work on saturday. that blows. and ive been getting badddd headaches. hopefully that really gross sinus rinse will help it out. i was doing it last night and i kept saying " BRIEN LOOK, ITS COMING OUT OF MY OTHER NOSTRIL." hahaha.

you know, a while back when the drama with christine and andy started. brien and i agreed that i should block her and stop reading her blog. those things obviously helped. and not reading her blog is hard, im not really sure why. i guess its just intresting when people you dont know give you so much incite to their life, or maybe my life just isnt interesting enough? im not sure, but once i promised brien that i wouldnt read it anymore. i havent since. but its sooo hard not to remember the things she said about me or brien in it. i never even told brien about the time that she mentioned about her and andy being so close, she also mentioned how he downgraded to me, how i was fat and a slob. and how andy never even knew me. this girl is going to continue to be toxic to our relationship until me and brien sit down and talk about it. i dont necessarily want to talk about her. but i want to know about their relationship. how he felt about it, other than he just hated it. he was obviously hurt at some point. its so hard to explain to him what i mean but i talked to nina about it a little bit and she agreed. she said she understood. and thats another thing. brien told nina that if i brought up christine not to talk about it with me. WHY? is it because he didnt want me bringing this up to him because he didnt want to talk about it. or is it because he is hiding something? i'd like to believe he wasnt hiding something, but who could blame me? i just want to understand his past. if we are going to get married, i dont want any secrets popping up. its important to know about your partners past relationships because he helps your relationships. by seeing the mistakes that were made and what not. its just a difficult situation in general. and really, she beat him up? was that fight that serious? and obviously brien was defenseless, shes a girl. he want going to hit her. WTH? i dont understandddd. i wish it would all just go away, but i cant help thinking about it.

i feel like my time with you is never wasted. i want to be with you forever. but i have to be honest. im scared. scared of you lying. scared of you betraying me. scared of you finding someone new to spend your new life with. scared that all of these is a big lie. scared that im already in too deep. scared that moving in so soon was a mistake. scared that im too young. two years ago was horrible, and i never want to relive it. and i cant get it out of my head. he lied soooo easily and so good, why wouldnt he do it now? it may be that i think too much. or i worry too much. i may be so worried that it starts to effect our relationship. i mean, lets hope not. but can anyone blame me? i dont know. talking to nina about our relationship helped. but nothing else will. except for the fact that my parents have so much faith in him, and so does everyone else at work. and tis mayy be reallyyyy bad for me to say. but sometimes im SOOO jealous of him. because since he's moved here he's gotten everything i wanted. an apartment. a new job, at my dads HONDA. where he has already gotten a raise. he gets a long with my parents better than i do. i feel like he is kind of replacing me. yeah i want him to be their son, but not over shadowing me.. its kind of BITTERSWEET.

i think its safe to say that you cant trust many people these days. im SOOO lucky to have the friends that i have. ive offically given up on people like andy. i know him and brien go way back. but how many times has he betrayed brien, and me? i know that andy was lying to. and then had the nerve to come over and say sorry. maybe its because i never really knew andy very much? but i just dont exactly see someone i can trust. and now briens parents have come down for the weekend he is soo upset that no one told him they were coming. and that he didnt get to meet them, or show them around. stoppppp. no one cares, seriously. they werent even here long enough to see us barely, much less you. and after all your drama they think NOTHING of you. your really on my last nerve.

yesterday i talked to chuck, he was on vacation last week tuesday - friday. so i called him and he said i hate to tell you that we hired someone else. he said he would make me a deal.. PSHH. next job that comes avaliable he will call me first. then he had the nerve to say " IS THAT OKAY? " ummm i guess it has to be? so after talking to stephaniee. i found out that the new guy started LAST WEEK. which means not only did he give me the run around, but he also lied to me. so ive kind of given up on leith inc. im not to fond of the management. i talked to dad and he said he would mention to teresa bays that i was intrested in moving. he said something about receptionist at honda, which would be okay because the phones there are SUPER busy and i would probably have an increase in pay! but im just waiting it out. hopefully things will work out for the best. i should have taken the warranty job at nissan a longgg time ago when danny offered it to me. but atleast i learned. and now ive have tons of experience under my belt.

monday i left work early because i felt sooo bad. i went home made me some soup and grilled cheese and then slept until 730? then brien came in and laid with me and i went back to sleep at like 1030. then yesterday i didnt get off work until 700PM so once i got home i just made me an egg sanwich and laid in bed until TEENMOM, and i could barely stay awake so as soon as it was over i crashed.

baby be honest, is this what you wanted?

is already monday, and i feel like shit. me and brien didnt go to bed until like 2AM last night. friday briens parents and nina drove here for new jerseyy. its only supposed to take 7 hours, but traffic was sooo bad it took them 12. so once they finally got here they went to their hotel and then met at the apartment. and they actually got there the same time i did. so we had DOMINOS, and my hunnyyy got me cinna stix ! just walked around the neighborhood a little. then his parents went back to the hotel and nina stayed with us. so we went to wal-mart and sunni skies. saturday morning one of the other floaters at work called me at 8:15 in the morning for NO DAMN REASON. i mean really. her question was dumb, and didnt matter. so then we went to downtown raleigh with his parents. showed them the capitol building, and had lunch at The Oxkford. its was really good. then we went backk, i took a little nap. haaa. then we went over to my parents house. i was a little nervous, but everything was finee. they hit it off really quickly. we had a reallyyy good dinner cause im dad can fuckinnn cook. hahaha. then we sat on the patio and talked. my dad was riding nina a little bit about the whole get a job thing and then it made me really upset because i was thinking about my mom and how i wish i had a mom like nina does. plus everyonee was giving brien hell about having four mikes hard lemonades and being drunkkk. hahaa. we all left around 1130. went home and went to bed.  but i was like briennn can you please make me some ceareal. and i told him to fill the bowl with cereal but i wanted 3/4'S MILKK. he filled the milk all the way to them topp. so of course being in bed i spilt some milk on briens blankettt. hahaha. he was so mad. then sunday morning i woke up and i really just wantedd some of the reeses chips ahoy cookies, so he brought me some :) thatt boy is one of a kindd. so then sunday we went to the meseum of life and science in durham. and brien and i went last weekend, but i still had SOOO much fun. we got to hold butterfliess! and then brien came out when we were leaving and said he bought us all surprizes and he gave me a little ladybug :)!! it was sooo cute. we had to cut it a little short, because i had to go babysit. so me and nina went over to watch gianna. but since we had some extra time we figured we would go by mcdonalds and get me a tea and her that frappe thing she alwayss drinks. soo i pull up and WAIT, AND WAIT. and someone plus up in the second lane beside me and he answers them. so that pissed me off. then i was giving him my order and i said EXTRA ICE three timesss. and he never put it on the screen. so ninas like laughinggg so hard and i speed around the corner. and im like, did you get extra ice because it didnt come up one the screen and he said " UMMM, EXTRA ICE? " and just closed the window.. so ninas crackinggg up and i just waited, and waited, and he finally said " ummm you gave me the money so youu good " EXCUSE ME? " wthhh? so we just drove off and ended up being 5 minutes late. brien brought us some penne ella vodka from daniels. SOOO GOOD. we left at like 1030? then drove around for probably 45 minutes just talkinggg. i had to get soo much off my chest. and nina was so easy to talk to because briens her brotherrr. we got home and brien was alseep but he woke up and we talked for like an hour and a half. this morning nina and her parents left to go back to new jersey, which sucksss. i wish they lived here.

does it really make me that bad of a person? all i want is to have briens parents and my parents together without any stress, or worries. i didnt tell my mom or my sister for a reason. i dont want my sister there because she makes me feel on edge and uncomfortable all the time. since there wouldnt be much attention on her she would be pissed anyways and cause a scene. and i reallyyy dont want my mom knowing. i dont want her to ask to meet them. especially her and her boyfrienddd Demetruissss. jesus christ. its all just too much to handle. as far as my in-laws know aprils my mom, and my dad is my dad. and we'll leave it at that as long as we can.
its simple, and simple is good.

after the disagreement tuesday it made me realize how much brien really doesnt know about my past, about my mother, about my grandparents, and about why i am the way i am today. sure, for some reason he only sees the good things about me. but once in a while, for instance, tuesday night.. he'll see a different side of me. i blame it on all those years i lived with my mother and her issues. my mother was SOO angry at herself, and the situation SHE put HERSELF in. and she was fine, until something triggered her anger, and it was all down hill from there. she never beat me, but she came close. and sometimes i think verbal abuse is a lot worse than anything else. yelling, screaming, fighting, throwing things, locking me in my bedroom or locking herself in her bedroom. none of those things were the right way to handle anything. and even though i know that. its like some instinct i have just to get angry and scream and fight. i HATE it. but its like i cant control it. anyone who knows me, knows i want to be NOTHING like my mother. its just going to take some time. she really needed therapy or something. when something as small as not putting a coaster underneath a drink can result in kicking your daughter out, theres something wrong. but im doing  a lot better than i used to. i used to worry about my mother and sister all the time, but ive realized theres nothing i can do for them. same goes with my grandma. god only knows what i did that was so wrong, but i can only imagine my mothers told her how bad of  child i really was. if only she lived closer, or called more often. or ATTEMPTED to come to my graduation. then i might give a fuckkkk. but thankkk god you kicked me out. because it got me to where i am now. and i love my lifeee. but theres still a lot of things that i will never forgive you for. and i'll always be angry at you. but i just have to let go, because theres nothing else i can do. so i'm giving up.

I COMPARE THINGS TOO MUCH.

yesturday kristyn came to my work so we could have lunch. i brought my lunch so we just ate at work and stuff. she's hopefully getting a new job which is really exciting for her. she's trying to start everything over, kudos on that. after work i went home and made chicken, potatoes, and green beans. when caroline got there were taking apart the tv stand and put it back together for the second time, and one of the shelves was backwards. so we had to take it apart again, and put it back together for a third time. caroline had dinner with me and brien. then briens mom called and asked me what she should wear saturday, and what she should bring and everything. she talked to me for like 20 minutes. cutest lady everrr. and im really glad that she feels like she can call me like that. i mean my dad does that with brien, so its nice for us to have that relationship. plus, shes one more mother figure. and she treats me like her daughter. kind of like when were in atlantic city and she was getting brien and nina something, she was like " pick something out, im getting them stuff!" haha. i really didnt want anything but it makes me feel really good when she offers like that. i want to feel like her daughter. <33.  anyways, after i talked to her me and caroline went to walmart to get hair dye. of course it took us foreverrr to find the one we wanted so i was like sitting on the floor waiting for her to decide. hahaa. then on the way home we were talking about brien proposing and me getting married. it gives me chills. i really cant wait, its going to be incredible. and if her did it when his parents were down here, im sure they would love that. well atleast his mom would. so we got hair dye everywhereee. thank god it came up. my hair turned out niceeee. a little bit darker and a good amount of aubrun in it. i cant explain it, but i like it. but i didnt get any laundryyy done last night. so tonight i have to clean, do lundry and all that crap. cause the in-laws are comingggg tomorrow !!

i just wrote this HUGE email to brien, and i clicked send and everything was erased. but i feel much better, i guess because i got it off my chest? HA.

yesterday i texted briens mom to see if there as anything she needed, or that we should get when they come down this weekend. we got to talking and she said she was worried about brien. because he was stressed about bills. i told her i knew he was, but he wouldnt let me pay. and she made it sound like she thought we had been spliting rent. so i got upset, and embarrased because i thought she knew, and i didnt want her thinking i wasnt responsible. she sounded like she was angry with me. but brien called her, and cleared everything up and she texted me back saying she wasnt mad or anything. but it just upset me, because me and brien JUSTTT talked about this last week. i care a lot about briens parents, and a lot about what they think of me. i try to do my part for the apartment. as much as brien will let me. i work hard for a reason, and i dont want people looking down on me because i dont pay rent. i like to think that i make it up in other ways.. like furniture, or grocerys. or cooking dinner. ANYWAYS, we had dinner at salsaritas <3333 loveee their nachos. then we went by walmart to get a new trashcan that was bigger and had a lid. so we ended up getting a new trashcan. PLUS i bought a new tv stand that wy our end table can go beside the couch like its supposed to. i got a little bottle like briens cause ive been using his, but i got it for $1.00 :) and brien got me a cute little pink lunch box for when i take my lunch to work. he said he was tired of my damn BAHAMA BREEZE bag. haha. i started laundry, and started trying to build that new tv stand before TEENMOM came on! haaa. so brien waas convinced that i couldnt do it so i let him do it, while i watched teenmom. well, guess who ended up putting it together.. ME. once it was all together.. i was already in  bad mood because i hit my knee on the corner and it was taking so damn long to build that thing. but we moved it over and put the tv on it.. and two of the shelfs are facing the wrong wayyyyy. so the rw wood part shows. LMAO. i was SOOO mad. so i started cleaning up stuff.. and just being mad. and of course since i was mad i didnt feel like talking which pisses brien off. and when he begs me to tell him whats wrong.. i snap.
but tonight im going to take that tv stand apart.. and rebuild it. ONLY because my in-laws are coming..

the link to my old blog is on the side, incase you need to catch up :)

yesterday i left work early for my OBGYN appointment. EW. after i left there i went to see april at work. some young guy from enterprise was talking to us and when he left to go home april said " he has a nice butt ! i stare at his legs ALL DAY. " HAA. so then i came home and like immediately went to sleep? i didnt even know i was tired. but i woke up around 9:30. briens nosey ass was on the patio. apparently some guy in our aprtment complex like threw his girlfriend out and they were all fighting in the street or something? IDK? i slept through it all. then we watched LIZARD LICK, like always. and then went right back to bed. and i could here some assholes outside being loud with their fuckinn car so i just stood on the patio and stared. then brien said what are you doing? i said trying to get those ASSHOLES TO SHUT THE HELL UP. really loud. haha..  and this morning it was so hard to wake up.. after i slept that much.

BRIENS PARENTS ARE COMING ON FRIDY <3

MONDAY, AUGUST 9TH

having the weekend off was amazing. friday night i had dinner with mikey and sarah and brien. we had TGI fridays. but i was reallyyy tired and bitchy because i worked 11 and a half hours on friday. cause i didnt take a lunch, plus u was there until 7:00pm. so after dinner, i went home and went to bed. haaa. saturday morning brien and i decided to go to the meuseum of life and science in durham. just to get out for a day. its was sooo much fun. we went all through the museum, got in a space ship. then we thought the door didnt lead outside so we walkedd alll the way back through and as i was walking brien said " OHHH, ALLISON LOOK A SNAKE " so i turned my head left and there was a snake right beside my are. some lady was like showing it to everyone but i was scared to death. so brien pet it. i just stood awayy. hahaha. then we walked through a little train car thing. had lunch and the little cafe. then we went through the butterfly thing where the butterflies just fly around and land on you and stuff. and we saw a butterfly like hatch? out of a cocoon. but he got stuck so some guy tried to help him out and the butterfly like fell and like smashed on the ground.. LMAO. then we walked down the dinosuar trail, which was really cool and the dinosuars were HUGEE. then we walked around to see the black bearss, and a fox or something. the bears were cute thoughhh cause they were running around and stuff. it was actually better than the ZOO because they had a few cameras that you could use to zoom in on the animals and stuff. then we went to the gift shop and got ASTRONUAT ICE CREAM !! and lollipops with crickets in them !! haha. we got two for my parents. afterwards we went to get alicias birthday presentt. then went to my parents house to have dinner. Mike & Holly and their new baby NATHAN came over so we all cookout. after we were done eating and stuff we were just hanging out on the back patio and the neighbors that live behind my dads house.. they walked around naked with their blinds open. we watched them have sex for like 15 MIN. LMAOO. awkward. and my dad said some really sweet things to brien !! i cant wait for his parents to come down next weekend. sunday was cleaning dayy. then we got ready and went to crabtree to eat at the cheesecake factory for ALICIAS birthday! we all wore spongebob hats, and sarah and caroline got alicia a vibrator for her birthdayyy. hahaha. dumbass. then i got brien some cheesecake, and we went grocery shopping at like 11:00PM. i always pay for grocerys, and this time they were $120.00. DAMNNNN.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE;
i can see how much brien loves, and cares for me. the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me, and the way he treats me. he's INCREDIBLE. i couldnt ask for anything better. but sometimes i feel like maybe he gives more than i give. and i know thats how derek and i were, except i was the giver. so i dont want brien to ever feel that way. i love him sooo much, its such a different feeling than ive ever had. he makes me truly happy. i could never ask for more than HAPPINESS.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5TH

out with the old, in with the new.

 wednesdays argument between brien and i somewhat carried over to thursday. wednesday i just wanted to go out to eat once i got off work. so i texted brien i see if he wanted to go, and he says " im trying to save up money for all the bills that are due on friday. so lets go friday since its payday " i understand he has bills to pay BUT i work, so i offered to pay. but he doesnt want that. i understand he doesnt want me to pay, but why should i even work if i cant go out and do things like that. so of course it upset me, so i took like an hour name, and then finally made me something to eat and watched lifetime. if you want to pay the bills, GREAT. but let me do something once in a while. it just upset me. but since im working in cary, i went over to honda yesterday for lunch and we talked someone, and i talked to my dad so everything was fine. my dad pretty much said thats one of the things he likes about brien, and that i should just give it sometime. so last night i decided to have dinner with my parents. so of course brien said he didnt want to go. my dad threw a fit about how brien was part of the family, and he cared about him and BLAH BLAH. so we all ended up going to andys for dinner, which wasnt th ebest ever, and some bug kept flying towards me, pissing me off. afterwards we all went to walmart. once me and brien got home, i finished up one of our youtube videos. all this youtube crap is so much fun. and now brien wants to do some blog tv thing, which sounds like a lot of fun!